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#290782 - 06/08/09 01:41 PM Non-Sexual
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I grew up in a "christian" house hold and I use the term "christian" loosely because neither of my parents practiced it.

Anyway, growing up, I always thought I was gay because I would get e's from my classmates in my gym class. I'm 27 now and I've been with two men and zero women (although I feel the same way when I look at them too). In the encounter with the men I have not been able to o and it's starting to raise a lot of questions.

I honestly feel non-sexual sometimes and I would rather have the intimacy of friendship with these men rather than a sexual one. And I've dated women, but always avoided acting out with them because I always felt that it would spoil the intimacy. Anyone with any help on this matter or have been through what I'm going through?



Edited by h.beat,h.break (06/10/09 10:44 AM)
_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#292647 - 06/22/09 06:32 PM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: h.beat,h.break]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Thanks for your post,
It sounds like it to me that you have a choice. I think that's good because when you were young you really didn't have a choice... Like most of us. Part of my life I was split down the middle but then I made a choice. And I focused on my choice. You get what you focus on consistently. It has not been easy but nothing of worth ever is. We celebrated our 35 anniversary last week, so I guess you might say I made a good choice. Interestingly enough I just shared my CSA with her 2 months ago.

Much Love and choose wisely, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#292792 - 06/23/09 10:46 PM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: Tedure]
sedanman Offline


Registered: 05/28/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Northeast
I am a 42 year old virgin. I have always thought that a happy normal (whatever that means, no judgement implied) sex life was something that "other people" had and I was not entitled to. I am working on these issues.


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#293024 - 06/25/09 04:03 PM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: h.beat,h.break]
gt92507 Offline


Registered: 05/25/09
Posts: 13
Loc: california
yep we just have to work our therapy there'san answer but we haven't reached it yet good luck


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#293267 - 06/26/09 11:25 PM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: gt92507]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I read a couple of your posts (actually one maybe two can't remember). But in all seriousness, I feel asexual at times. I said non-sexual in the sense that I don't portray a "maleness" or a "femaleness" to me, but my experiences with men and women leave me discouraged because I leave these relationships (if you can even call them that) being used, admired for my physical features and used for someone else's enjoyment just like in my past abuse.

I guess it would be easier to just remain asexual because I wouldn't have to deal with all that bullshit that comes with sex. I'm just sick of being taken advantage of by men and women. I don't think it's the best option though.

_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#294476 - 07/07/09 06:52 AM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: h.beat,h.break]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
....



Edited by LilacLouie (07/12/09 04:01 AM)

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#294552 - 07/07/09 08:43 PM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: LilacLouie]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
A good friend of mine,(screen name mogigo), suggests that labels are for cans.

I think that works for me. People are just people.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#294596 - 07/08/09 03:11 AM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: Geeders]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
hbhb

Asexual is an orientation describing individuals who do not experience sexual attraction. Which by it's very definition you could not be one because you said in your post that you have had erections in regards to both men and women.
I think from your post you are dealing with issues relating to being abused and being triggered because of being sexual with someone. In regards to women you made a comment of never acting out. Is being sexual to you about acting out towards someone or them towards you? By the way you worded it,it seems that being sexual = being abusive or abused.
If so I can relate to you because I have felt very much the same way myself. When I dated which was not often and it became sexual. I always regretted it later. Because no matter how much I enjoyed it. Afterwards I would feel guilty because I always felt as if I used them or that they had used me. And whatever closeness we had would be gone. And I would emotionally and physically remove myself from them. This behavior always greatly confused me and the other person. So this behavior pattern cause me to isolate myself from people without the possibility of having anything more then friendship.
I still struggle with issues of feeling that being sexual = being abusive/abused. And has caused me to restrain from being sexual with my wife the last year. There is a part of me that is quite comfortable satisfying myself sexually. I have done so for most of my life.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#294718 - 07/09/09 05:23 AM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: michael banks]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
....



Edited by LilacLouie (07/12/09 04:02 AM)

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#294725 - 07/09/09 06:55 AM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: LilacLouie]
sedanman Offline


Registered: 05/28/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Northeast
Autosexual?


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#294843 - 07/10/09 05:55 AM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: sedanman]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
....



Edited by LilacLouie (07/12/09 04:03 AM)

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#294882 - 07/10/09 03:45 PM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: LilacLouie]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
LilacLouie,sedanman,

Is this a joke to you guys?
I am not finding it funny.
i shared some stuff from the heart in regards to the orginal post.

Thanks for the support.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#294888 - 07/10/09 05:19 PM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: michael banks]
sedanman Offline


Registered: 05/28/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Northeast
It's no joke to me. If you read some of my posts It is a very serious matter. I am just looking for a name to call myself. I have said elsewhere on Male Survivor that I am a virgin. At 42 I take that quite seriously. If I offended anyone, I am sorry. I myself have no desire to have sex with a man, I am attracted to women but so far I would have to I am "afraid" of them. I have had quite a bit of sex with myself over the years but none with a partner. I laugh at myself to keep from crying a-la Rigoletto.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rigoletto#History_of_composition


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#294923 - 07/11/09 05:52 AM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: michael banks]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
....




Edited by LilacLouie (07/12/09 04:11 AM)

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#294936 - 07/11/09 10:53 AM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: LilacLouie]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Brothers;

As I look at the various lables in this thread my thoughts turn to how limiting lables are... be wary of lables. It is a fine line that I walk when I define and name my abuses and wounds to enable my self to process them, yet staying away from turning them into lables.

When I read hb.hb's initial post I was reminded of SASH(Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health) and work by many healers such as Carnes, Laasar, ... www.sash.net is a good resource, not forgetting about the resources pointed to by other parts of the MS site.

In my heart I pray that we each aspier to healthy sexuality and that our healing and recovery efforts lead us along that road.

Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#294940 - 07/11/09 11:57 AM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: h.beat,h.break]
ModTeam Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 691
Guys,

Just a gentle reminder that if we happen to be having a bad day emotionally and come across a post that triggers us for some reason, real or imagined, it is important to step back and reconsider hitting that send button, particularly when and if we are responding out of that emotional currency.

We are here to help support each other rather than further disenfranchise ourselves and each other from the most efficient and effective recovery resource available for our particular recovery needs.

Too often we see our brothers pull up stake and leave here just because of some simple misunderstanding that could have been clarified in a simple exchange of private messages.

Hopefully, we can learn to use all the tools that are available to us for verifying whether or not our instincts are correct, or if our responses are a mere projection of our own subjective state at the time we are triggered.

We can really learn new effective emotion management techniques in the safety of this environment if we just take a moment to stop and ask ourselves: 'what is really going on inside me right now, causing me to react in such a manner to mere words on a screen'?

Thanks for your consideration and cooperation,

The ModTeam

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Private messages sent to this account are checked irregularly due to personnel and time constraints. Please send messages to one of the moderators for the forum that is concerned by user name, or if there is no named moderator, send a PM to any moderator.

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#295053 - 07/12/09 05:51 PM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: ModTeam]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
LilacLouie,sedanman,

My earlier response to you comes from being a csa survivor which I am. Not as a Mod. As such I still have issues that I am addressing here and will have for some time to come.

In my first response I shared some very personal information. I felt that you guys were being insensitive and flippant to the whole thread by your one word responses. I didn't feel your were taking the issue in an serious manner. So I called you on it as a survivor. As I felt that I needed to in order to take care of myself.

Sedanman, Thank You for your response to me . I really appreciate you taking the time to help me understand where you are coming from. And where you are at in your recover.

LilacLouie, I hope you are ok and to see you posting again soon.

I hope everyone will remember that I am a survivor here at m/s first and then one whom chooses to volunteer his time to help make m/s the site run smoothly.

I choose to become a MOD because I wish to be of service.

Best wishs,

Mike


_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#296414 - 07/22/09 03:04 PM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: michael banks]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I've been reading a few posts on this website about something called SSA. It took me a while to understand that this was not about SA but about an attraction to the same sex.

After the abuse at the hands of my cousin, I became very cautious around other girls. I remember one time I was getting ready for a play about thanksgiving. The girl in charge of costumes took me to a closet so that I could change and told me to take off my pants in order to get into the costume. Then she asked me to take off my underwear. I froze like I did with my cousin, but instead of giving in I started to cry as loud as I could so someone could hear me and come in. She left me there crying and the head counselor came in and got me dressed. These events left me distrustful of women for quite some time up until I starte going to high school.

With my brother, I was forced into acting out with him but even afterwards, I continued to hang out with many male friends my own age. I enjoyed being around other boys and there wasn't anything sexual about it until high school. I had very few male friends in high school and became very distrustful of men in general. To this day, I have one male friend and the relationship between the two of us is simply as friends. There is absolutely no desire to have sex with him whatsoever. When I see other men now, I only see one thing on their mind that they relate to, which is sex. There is a part of me that wants to relate with other men, but because of my history, I feel that my CSA has made me too weird to have a normal conversation with other men. My expectations during these encounters is one where I expect it to turn into the friendship I have with my current friend. But they don't and I end up feeling the way I felt with my brother and my cousin used and hurt.

To some extent, I hate men. I hate the way they think and I hate the way they talk. They seem very closed minded and ignorant, yet many men cannot see that the very stereotype we use to describe a "real man" is the same thing that hurts us. That aside, I'd love to have a relationship with a guy that doesn't start physically. There is only an emptiness after the encounter and many of them want me to continue hanging out with them, but I know it's not as a friend. I've been with a lot of guys so far and I have yet to 'e' with any of them. Now, I'm beginning to wonder if I can even have kids. Just to clarify things, I'm not trying to have a emotional and physical relationship with these men, just a emotional one. But even writing about having an emotional relationship with another man is impossible to fathom for some reason. Anyway, thanks for letting me rant and thanks for the reply's.

And I'm not bothered by the quotations (...) of the two members that posted here. I'm sure they have their reasons.

_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#297255 - 07/29/09 05:30 AM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: h.beat,h.break]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
Whatever.


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#297370 - 07/29/09 10:06 PM Re: Non-Sexual [Re: LilacLouie]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Hi, h.beat. I'll ignore the friction on this thread, because it seems to be based on misunderstandings, and I don't understand it anyway. I can definitely relate to your feelings towards men. I also think I have an ingrained dislike of men from the CSA, which is unfortunate. There are a lot of good males in the world. However, when a man tries to bully me, or use me, or thinks that I'm weak, it brings me back to the abuse. I get defensive. I get crazed, even. At times, I'll get into a state where every man alive begins to look like my abuser.

It's not just the stereotypical tough guys. In my experience, gay men could be awesome friends. As lovers, though, they often cheat, manipulate, try to control you, try to hang all their baggage on you. When your sex drive, like mine, is practically non-existent, there seems little enticement for being gay. I honestly don't know if I only feel this way because my perspective is skewed by the CSA, or if it's true. I've certainly observed happy, longlasting gay relationships. I just can't picture myself being in one. Maybe I'm too judgemental, too defensive, too bitter.

Reading your first post, I also noticed how you referred to sex with a woman as "acting out." I make similar slips when talking about sex, revealing that, perhaps, subconsciously, I view sex as wrong, or harmful. The odds are apparently stacked against us. We resent men. We're afraid of women, or of "hurting" them. Our sexuality is too mangled to strongly motivate us in one direction or the other. Since I haven't overcome what you're struggling with, I can't give much advice. But I do think I've made slow, steady progress.

In my last post, I described a new friendship I developed with a man. Though he'd make a lousy boyfriend, I think we've formed a bond and we respect each other. Just today at work, I was talking to a coworker, a girl, who I'm kind of attracted to. Though she has a boyfriend, it suddenly struck me how comfortable I felt with her. It was amazing. I could be myself. I wasn't so nervous that I stuttered. I didn't feel pressured to act perfect. I was just at ease, just content being with her, joking, teasing her, inquiring about her life. A year ago, that never could have happened.

I think jumping into something will probably lead to disaster. (I speak from experience.) But with patience and persistence, I believe we can overcome the damage done to us. You don't have to decide now what your preference is. Make peace with men. Learn to discern who the good ones are and grow to trust them. Get to know more women. Explore your feelings for them. Open up emotionally before you even consider the sexual aspects. Regardless of your sexuality, improving your relationships with men and with women will both yield rewards. Concentrate on that, instead of driving yourself crazy about who you'd rather sleep with. I wish you happiness.


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