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#2907 - 08/02/04 10:43 PM What kept you from telling?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I'm working on a book for survivors. One of the potential chapters is about how abusers kept the victim silent. I'd appreciate hearing what kept you from telling about the abuse.

Thanks,
Ken


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#2909 - 08/03/04 12:40 AM Re: What kept you from telling?
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Ken,

I was a 16 year old guy, living on the island I was born and grew up on. Everyone knew everyone. All my perp said to me was, "If you tell, everyone will know that you were F--ked by a man." Added to that, after he raped me, he gave me a blowjob and I had an orgasm. He then told me, "See, you must have enjoyed it or you wouldn't have cum." Dont' think that didn't mess with my head. Needless to say, I didn't tell a soul for 31 years. And to this day, no one, including my parents and brother know about it. Abusing a child or a teen is the perfect crime for these perps and they know it.

Rarely does anyone tell. Few women tell when they've been raped because of the stigma. A guy has the ego thing working against him. I have been with friends and heard them say, "There is no way I would let a guy do that to me, I don't care if he had a gun to my head. He'd just have to kill me." Well, they don't know it, but that's exactly what happened to me. I want to tell them, "Have a madman shove a pistol into the back of your ear, and then tell me what you would or wouldn't let him do to you." Of course I keep quiet, though..just like my perp knew I would. I feel guilty not telling for only one reason, and that is because maybe I could have saved some other guy from going thru the same thing from this perverse, pistol happy little shit.


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#2910 - 08/03/04 01:29 AM Re: What kept you from telling?
cpt. confusion Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 159
Loc: midwest
it didnt take much for my perp to keep my quiet...he was my brother, and i trusted him. why wouldn't i, i was about 5 or 6, and i looked up to him for everything. All he had to say was that we would get in trouble, and i clammed right up. that line even worked when he accidentally shot me in the chest with a be-be gun, first thing he said was dont tell mom, we;ll get in trouble! he's my big brother, what else was i supposed to do but trust in him? i still haven't open up to anyone in my family, for different reasons now, but still, its basically worked for almost 20 years... trust is a powerful thing.


hope this helps your writing ken...

take care,
cpt.

_________________________
"Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use."
-Carlos Castaneda

*WoR Alum
Sequoia I-March '11
Alta II, September '11

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#2911 - 08/03/04 02:27 AM Re: What kept you from telling?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Ken,

My first abuse was violent in nature, I fought back and paid a price for it.

Fear kept me quiet. Being hung out a sixth story window left me with the real impression that the threats would be followed through with. That fear followed through with the others.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#2912 - 08/03/04 02:34 AM Re: What kept you from telling?
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Fear......Fear of being labelled gay and the fear of having the police knock on the front door.

I was told never, ever was I to be the cause of the police coming up the front path which they would have to do if I made a complaint.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (TRIGGERS)
http://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com


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#2913 - 08/03/04 02:53 AM Re: What kept you from telling?
x-fred Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/21/04
Posts: 3
Loc: us
Right after it happened for the first time I did tell someone... and then he took his turn. I never told anyone about anything ever again.


Wow, after coming here for longer than I care to think about I just clicked, typed and posted for the first time... I guess you could say this topic hit home.


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#2914 - 08/03/04 03:18 AM Re: What kept you from telling?
Howster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/16/04
Posts: 28
One way to keep things quiet is for the activity to be covert. So if it wasn't physical, then you never knew you were fucked, right?

Howard


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#2915 - 08/03/04 10:14 AM Re: What kept you from telling?
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
The confusion caused by the emotional abuse that I was put through. The fact that I had known, trusted, and respected my abuser. The fact that she continued to emotionally abuse me after doing it. She tried to convince me that she was doing it because it was in my best interest. Then, she emotionally blackmailed me, then she kept trying to convince me that she had done and was doing all of the things that she did because she "loved" me and is "in love" with me. If you care about me, you will trust me and accept what I say or do, etc. etc. etc. I love you, and am in love with you, but your beliefs, wishes, feelings, thoughts, etc. are meaningless and I'm just going to do whatever the hell I want to and you MUST accept it because I love you and if you truly care about me, then you will want me to have these things. BULL $#!^"!!!!! I was also told how we are soul mates and all kinds of other stuff like that after the rape. Plus, I should just accept having my stated wishes, beliefs, and feelings ignored and be happy that I was raped. Plus, anyone that I tried to talk to about it just kept telling me things like: "she is confused", or "You are lucky, I'd like to have sex with her". I thought, "If I did this to a woman, I would be going to jail for it". Since then, I have told people, I have been told "You were used, get over it". Let's see, what else, I cared about the person, I didn't want to see the person arrested or get hurt. I was constantly being told how much the person cared about me, but she ignored everything that I had ever told her about anything, including my wishes, my feelings, and my beliefs. The woman who raped me was stuck in some little world of her own where she believed all of the crap that she was feeding me and somehow it made sense to her. Then she tried to take control over me and my emotions and convince me that the crap that she was feeding me made sense and was true. She failed miserably for many reasons. After playing all of the "tapes", I realized just how much everything that she was feeding me was nothing but a lie. Let's see, other reasons why I didn't tell anyone to begin with, the masculinity issues, the REALISTIC fear of not being listened to or believed. The "Freudian" conflict between my own feelings, my beliefs, and how society sees things. Another conflict was the one between what I was being told by my abuser who was manipulating my emotions and what I saw and know to be true. I am relatively confident that her little world of lies that make sense to her will be her downfall in court. She fully believes them to all be true and that she never did anything wrong.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#2916 - 08/03/04 10:19 AM Re: What kept you from telling?
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Oops. Don't know what happened.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#2917 - 08/03/04 10:20 AM Re: What kept you from telling?
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY


_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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