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#29059 - 10/30/03 04:28 AM Feeling very sad
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I don't know why, and I do know why. I made decision this week, big life decision, and it is changing things for me, many things, and making me think less of myself again, and feeling like I am losing big part of my life and what I think myself am. (I am also very tired, so make less sense then normal).

I sleep only short time last night, and have bad dreams of my father. Some things of him I remember him, what he does, other things, I wonder if it is real, my mind plays such surprises on me.

I feel I must be very bad person, I must always been very bad, to make him need to punish me as he did. But at same time, I can not think what I do that is so bad. So much of my life, and of my childhood, it is so lost of me, put into different parts of my head that I don't have the key to yet. It is frustrating, that I know there are more things there, more memories, and I hold them in myself, but do not have the access to them.

Is it possible that people can be so evil? There is other thread here I read, of such things of ritual abuse, brainwash, torture. Even some things are mentioned of what was my country. I can say, brainwash and torture do still exist at home in Russia, in military and in government. People may not choose to believe that, but is true. It always has been technic of them, that they use at people, and we have not grown so much to 'civilized' state that America is. It is not the way it was when my mother was younger, or others of my family, what they say of it, but it still exists.

And so, as my father was of Russian army, I wonder. I wonder if what I think, if what my memories and what my mom tells me, if that is true, or if my mind is so much more confused and broken after all that happens in life. I wonder if I am such bad creature that he always say, or if he was crazy person, or if he was just mean or evil. I am feeling so confused of all this, and I am letting it bother and hurt me mentally.

I just hear something on television show, as I am writing this, television is also on for noise. And is son talking of his father, and the son remembers falling down playing a game. And his father picks him up, cleans him off, gives him big hug and says it will all be all right. Why am I so bad to not have that? Or am I not bad? I do not even know now. I just am confused, and it all makes me scared and upset all over. I am sorry.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#29060 - 10/30/03 08:06 AM Re: Feeling very sad
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2258
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

You are good. You were never bad. Your father may be sick, or may carry some great hurt himself. I believe my parents brought pain from their lives into mine. Maybe that happened to you, too.

You make decisions and move on with your life. Everyone must do that, and every decision that is "yes" to something is "no" to something else. Today you are able to make decisions with your own health and welfare in mind. Perhaps you made decisions a different way before. I know that I did.

Today I can say "no" to the things that would hurt me. I did that last night, writing some email instead of doing something I shouldn't. I know that you have the strength of a survivor in you. You have tremendous compassion for those who feel pain. Turn that compassion to yourself. If you do not feel your strength (it is still there, but maybe you don't feel it), turn to your friends, at home and online. I bet when you see them you can see admiration and love in their eyes. It might be hard for you to accept what they know. They know you are good. They are right.

Thanks again,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#29061 - 10/30/03 09:15 AM Re: Feeling very sad
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Leo,

You are not a bad person. You are a very good, strong, brave and powerful person. The decisions you make now, believe it or not, make you stronger. Whether they work out or not isn't important. The fact that you are taking charge of your life is.

Leo, what your father did was wrong. That was his problem, never yours. You give me hope and inspiration because you survived EVERYTHING in your life and you still continue to grow. You keep on keeping on, and I value that so much. You live to one of my credos, you've got to keep trying. Failure is acceptable, trying isn't.

You are a good man and I value your presence here. I love you, bro.

Peace (and try to get some sleep, okay?... \:\) )
Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#29062 - 10/30/03 09:38 AM Re: Feeling very sad
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Shorty, you are a very good person, you were never bad. What your father did was wrong, and sadly that is something you will always carry with you, but in time it will no longer cause you so much anguish.

It is frustrating knowing there are more memories, but not being able to remember them. I too have memories I don't have the "key" to, and considering the things that I do remember, I don't know if I really want to remember it all.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#29063 - 10/30/03 10:54 AM Re: Feeling very sad
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I've had these feelings, too. For a long time, I didn't know why I felt that I was bad just that I was and so I was not deserving of anything good and that sometimes I needed to be punished for being bad and that at other times I had to keep it a secret or I would die.

I know now that even if I had been bad that wouldn't have been a reason, excuse or explanation for the abuse anyway. Abuse is always wrong. It was the excuse my mother used but that didn't make it right. Even when I believed for so many years that she was right, she was still wrong wrong wrong.

Now she is an old lady, mostly abandoned by her children, living alone, getting older and older and older. She does not make amends for what she has done and will probably die that way. She still does not see or admit that what she did was wrong. So I go ahead on my own. I don't want to let what she and others did before decide what I do now.

I know, this comes for me after years of work. It comes quicker sometimes for others. For now, know that you are good, that the guys here do care about you and that you will feel better. It happens, one small step at a time.

B.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#29064 - 10/30/03 11:29 AM Re: Feeling very sad
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Здравствуй Лёша!

I hope that comes out. Thank you very much for sharing. You have been very brave and you have survived a lot. You have a lot of strength and empathy that you share with others.

What you are going through seems normal under the circumstances. You deserve the same kind of consideration and empathy that you share with others. You were not a bad child and did not deserve what happened to you.

Be kind to yourself. All else will follow.

Peace,
Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#29065 - 10/30/03 11:44 AM Re: Feeling very sad
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Leosha

Quote:
Why am I so bad to not have that? Or am I not bad? I do not even know now. I just am confused, and it all makes me scared and upset all over. I am sorry.
Not a chance you are bad my brother. You are truly a great guy and it is a privilege to know you. You are also extremely brave and dont ever forget that.

And you have every brother here with you all the time.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#29066 - 10/30/03 05:46 PM Re: Feeling very sad
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Hi Leosha, some people are born into good families with loving parents.... others are not. I guess it is just the luck of the draw, a very random thing. Being unlucky or lucky does not make you bad or good, just a victim or recipient of fate. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#29067 - 10/31/03 02:45 AM Re: Feeling very sad
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Thank you to answer me. (And Freedom, I would reply in kind, but do not have cyrillic font on this computer, does not have the memory for it)

I am still feeling some low at myself, but also felt a lot of anger this morning (for which I have several people to apologize to), which is something I normally do not ever feel. Maybe that will one day be safe thing to feel.

Thank you, please try to keep patient with me. I feel like I need a sign, like those that warn of driving students. My sign would be 'Warning, student learning how to live'.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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