Some thoughts, sorry if it is preachy it was just the way I processed it today.
If you do well, shall you not be accepted? Gen. 4:7
Why am I so angry? There is much to be angry about I suppose. I could go and list all of my reasons here but, why am I really angry. I was thinking about this today sitting in my hot tub building up a sweat. This line from Genesis came to mind.
I remember trying to please my dad on many levels actually and I would think up new ways to try and get a compliment out of him. Some acceptance, some approval that would somehow translate to me …I am ok.
I remember working real hard on a project in the garage where my makeshift bedroom was for a while. I worked daily for hours and hours for days building this miniature city. I was very proud of it. Mom thought it was pretty amazing too. I built it all out of cardboard with great detail. It had sliding doors, Plastic windows, all to scale.
My dad came out and looked at it. Then he looked at me and nodded his head slightly and went inside. I am not sure what I expected but certainly more than that. I was angry. I didn’t realize it then but I was. I didn’t cry and I am not sure why but it hurt like the dickens that he didn’t even say anything.
That Sunday my sister sang a song in church. She was maybe 13 or 14. She missed a line but finished anyway and my day had to mention several times that day how wonderful her voice was. I remember being really critical and irritated with her and not understanding why at that age.
Her offering was better than mine.
When I am short with co workers, frustrated with a piece of equipment, or a situation that is not to my liking I feel the anger wanting to come out. I snap at people, push things a little to hard, and sulk. It is totally out of proportion to what the situation or difficulty really is. I know this and at the time I am ashamed to respond in such a way but I can’t seem to help it. I can’t seem to stop. I have gotten very good at apologizing.
Now at times of quietude and contemplation I realize I have not done well. I have missed the mark that my earthly father and my heavenly Father both have set. The first in his selfishness, the second in his holiness and I am undone and angry and I look for scapegoats. I have done this my whole life. Sin lies at the door and its desire is to rule over me and many times in my frustration, confusion it does.
I cannot please the father, my offering is rejected and I am angry. I am angry at everything and to some extent sooner or later everyone. Disappointment has led to the anger, anger has led to hate, hate of all kinds of things but ultimately me.
But the root is disappointment. Disappointment in me for something I cannot possibly ever do anything about anyway. Because I am human and flawed. My only hope to please The Father is by trusting in his Son. My religion is based on the words of Mary his mother speaking about her son.
“Whatsoever he says unto you, do it”.
So what is he saying to me right now? Abide in me…trust me.
God teach me how to do that. I am really tired of being angry.