Everyone I love or care about is unsure of how to handle me. I keep giving them confusing answers to questions or I avoid the question all together. I say one thing the one moment, and completely obliterate what I just got done saying. I don't work on my problems and I frequently have to have control over a situation.

So...I told them that I will be out of contact. That my cell phone is off and I have no battery in it so even if I wanted to lash out (which is what I do) I can't. I have no house phone and I will rarely check any other way to contact me.

I am buckling into my car seat, hitting the accelerator, and letting go of the wheel. If I hit a tree, I hit a tree. If I have no brakes, I have no brakes. I don't want anyone around me when I break through what's holding me back cause I think its going to be bad.

Am I doing this wrong?

Yes, Don't turn the ones you love away and wall them out, They are part of the answer you are seeking, They are part of the cure.

Take some time to calm your heart and mind...It's like cleaning your windshield.... then you can see more clearly and see where your headed.

Take care, Heal well,

Ted

Sage Ted has some great advice, good job buddy. It is hard to see but it sounds like they are just trying to help.

I remember for the longest time thinking my parents and family were the enemy. Thinking I had to go along with the stupid in crowd, stupid peer pressure.

It was being away from them that made me realize how much they were doing for me, they were looking out for my best interest even when my windshield was so dirty I couldn't see clear.

If your not at the point where you are ready to share, get some help from them I think that is okay, it takes time, maybe you just need to say as best you can that you need some time.

Good luck.

Charlie.

I'm working on sharing, and I have recanted. Its the thing I do...they try to get close or if I feel like I get close to them, I push them away. I always do.

Duh...
Ok then, seriously. For those amongst us who are fortunate enough to have familly and friends who genuinely seek to be supportive that can often feel like a double-edged sword. On the one hand we are grateful for these people and yet on the other we often very frustrated by same. That frustration can take on a feeling of being re-victimized thus causing us to shut out the very people who love us.

I think the problem lies in that we ourselves do not know what it is we need and expect from our support network. If we can't verbalize it then they can't know it. It takes a male CSA survivor to understand male survivor speak.

That is where I found MS to be so very helpfull to me - I got to practice what I was trying to say from all the confusion inside. Talking with the men here helped me to get all my ducks in a row and to make coherent sense of who & what I am. I communicate much better now - reading other's stories has helped to nullify my fears about sharing my truth and has made it much easier for me to understand that even through my best efforts not everyone is going to 'get me' and that that is ok, too.

Sacred_Sage,

I don't know if you are doing it wrong, but perhaps you are trying to do it too fast. That often happens when a guy sees he has hope and can actually triumph over his abuse issues - he charges out there and wants to do it as quickly as possible. But that rarely works, or should I say it never works. Recovery is a complicated business and we need to process so much. It's far better to take small solid steps rather than leap forward and have it all come crashing down.

You may be pushing safe people away for this reason. You may be finding that the work you are doing is helping you, but not leaving you with any idea of where you can go next. Rather like finding great-looking tools but not having a secure idea of what to do with them.

Just a thought.

Much love,
larry