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#29034 - 12/18/02 12:21 PM accepting abuse
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men:

i just had an upsetting thing happen and i need to share it. i just had ugly words with the neighbor. you see, he has some old scraps of wooden planks on his property that are protruding into the alley.

when i pull my car in and out of the garage my front bumper comes close, within a few inches i believe, of the wooden planks and i do not want to scratch my bumper. i paid alot of hard-earned money for my car and i do not want it to get scratched by the neighbor's planks.

this man has a history of being self-centered and causing little problems for the neighbors. he has done this for the last 30 years.
he was born in another country and still acts different often. he has not truly adopted american customs.

well, i saw him earlier and said that the planks were a problem. and, immediately he interrupted me. he was loud and beligerent. i tried to reason with him and explain my concern for my car. but, every time i tried he interrupted me and did not let me finish a sentence.

this went on for a minute or so. it ended with him hollaring something about me needing to learn how to park. i walked away finally and immediately felt insulted, angry and deeply hurt.

i even thought of setting fire to the planks or hiding them away or even of punching him. but, thank God these were only fantasies. i acted on none of them.

well, maybe 10 minutes later i sat down in my apartment feeling real bad. and, i told myself "we are taking this way too personally as we often do! we must stop this!"

shortly afterwards we thought of how abusive the man acted toward us and we just stood there and allowed him to continue. he responded with beligerence, abusiveness, foulness, disrespect and we just stood there attempting to reason with him for a full minute.

we did not just walk away at the first sign of his abuse and call the police to bring them into the situation. with the police present he may have then showed some respect.

no, we stood there and tried to be reasonable in the face unreasonableness. wow! we stood there and allowed another to be disrespectful and abusive toward us for what i believe was a full minute.

then we remembered this was not the first time. in our life there have been many times when we allowed another to be beligerent, hostile, and abusive with us and we stood there and took it.

we next asked ourself WHY? why do allow this? then we realized that this is exactly what both our mother and father taught us. they were our initial abusers.

so many times i stood there and watched my parents act this out before us. it began when we started elementary school, at about age 5, if not before. my mother was the offender and my father was the willing victim normally.

she would act in the same exact way the neighbor did and my father would act like i did. my God! i am so grateful to have realized this. they taught us to be a part of this sick form of relating. they were our original offenders/perpetrators.

as i have shared on this board before my mother has long shown signs of having an anxiety disorder like i do. she emotionally incested me for the first 35 years of my life. and, my father has been diagnosed with a mental illness and is an acting-out addict, workaholic. he abandoned us from birth and only played a small role in our life. Lord, it hurts much to admit this but it is all true.

so, we feel so grateful to our God for the insight we had earlier and we hope and pray we can do better the next time someone acts so poorly toward us.

we especially have had this problem in the work world. it happened at our last job. a coworker did this exact thing to us and as we had so many times before we just stood there and took it. (oh Lord God, please help us learn and grow. we need much growth. please! thank you.)

men, we are grateful to have shared this and grateful you are here to read this. next time the neighbor becomes hostile i pray i remember to call the police immediately and let them sort the problem out.

this would be much better than feeling so down that i fantasize about physically hurting someone and ourself in the process. hurting him certainly would not be worth spending time in jail and exposing myself to such harm.

please say a prayer for me men and for us all. that we can grow and learn the vital lessons we were never able to before. sincerely,

bec, feeling humble and grateful


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#29035 - 12/18/02 12:43 PM Re: accepting abuse
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Bec,

Brother, that's quite an insight! It sounds to me like you're learning the lesson quite well!

I know, doing it is different from knowing it. But I'm confident you're able to do both.

Hey, WTG!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#29036 - 12/19/02 01:53 PM Re: accepting abuse
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Bec
when dealing with arse's the only thing they relate to is another arse'

dealing with them 'lawfully' confuses the hell out them.

It's something that took me about 45 years to figure out..........

Dave ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#29037 - 12/19/02 05:15 PM Re: accepting abuse
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
Thanks men!

Vic: i appreciate your encouragement friend and let me know what "WTG" means allright.

Dave: i wanna thank you too. yes, i just turned 40 and i also am busy trying to figure things out.

be well men. sincerely,

bec \:\)


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#29038 - 12/19/02 06:28 PM Re: accepting abuse
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Bec,

You touched on things we were taught to us by circumstances and abuses. I can relate to your style of dealing with wacko's.

For me something as important or maybe even more important is what I wasn't taught growing up. Like how to deal with my fear of and how to handle confrontation with aggressive people, among so many other social skills.

One of many things I've sorely missed in my life is a ritual of passage into manhood. Only problem with that is that it implies a community of men to do the leading and guiding of young males into adulthood.

Being a man is just another thing I have to do for myself now, with help from other men I "trust".

i think i'm going to throw up (cuz of bad school experiences, teasing, getting labeled) and crawl back under my rock for now.

-jer


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#29039 - 12/19/02 06:35 PM Re: accepting abuse
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
No Jer' - you stand ON the rock !

Dave \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#29040 - 12/19/02 07:31 PM Re: accepting abuse
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Bec--sorry bro WTG is "lazy computer" slang for "Way To Go!"

Jer--we're just here living our childhoods & growing up together, my friend!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#29041 - 12/19/02 07:54 PM Re: accepting abuse
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Hi bec, Your post is an interesting and important one. Important because it deals with something that effects our daily lives as survivors. And it seems to be a general problem for people who have survived but still struggle with their abusive histories. The issue is an inability to effectively deal with aggression and anger when it is directed at us. In my own case, I have a predisposition to either get instantly angry and lash out, or I completely freeze up and go blank. Neither response is ideal. Funny enough, I am more likely to freeze up when confronted by an unreasonable and angry woman. In addition to my sexual abuse by men, my mother was a very violent woman and I was the main recipient of her terrible tantrums and poor parenting skills. In fact if it wasn't for her anger, I probably would have felt safe enough to tell her what was happening to me at school. But I was too afraid.
With men I am more likely to lash out in a very creative and cutting verbal way, when I was much younger, I would physically fight. Of course today, I wish I could take a step back and deal with unreasonable onslaughts in an appropriate dispassonate way....and I am making some progress with this, but it is slow. Unfortunately, our responses to anger and unreasonableness can really hamper us in our daily lives, because we are going to run into angry and unreasonable people all the time. Going home and stewing about what we should have said or could have done is very energy sapping. I have a suggestion that maybe we could talk to our 'safe' friends about our problems in this area, and then maybe role play some scenarios. Maybe by practising appropriate responses with 'safe' people, we could then transfer this to real life and little bit by little bit learn to handle real life anger and aggression.


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