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#291559 - 06/14/09 01:07 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: AwesomeAnn]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Yes, the most crazy-making thing about the experience was his need to retreat and be uncommunicative sometimes. It's not because he won't, I suspect. I think it has more to do with the fact that communication is just so damned scary for a survivor especially after they disclose. Hi might be feeling so exposed, so vulnerable that he can't communicate right now. He disclosed to you and that is HUGE for survivors.

His need to be silent sometimes made me crazy because I am so verbal and so open generally, I took it very hard that he shut down around me. But I learned that those were my issues, not his.

The hardest thing to accept is the inability to predict the loved one's behaviour or needs at any given time. It feels like the ground is constantly shifting and that is a very anxiety-making experience. The only way I've ever discovered to handle it, is to develop an internal dialogue that reminds me to have patience, to accept whatever he can give me, to develop my own self (interests, friends, education), and to continually recommit myself to open, honest communication. The big ticket items in our interactions were safety, honesty, and respect.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#291788 - 06/15/09 10:56 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: cstjude]
AwesomeAnn Offline


Registered: 06/03/09
Posts: 14
Loc: California, USA
thanks c - had an awful weekend, heeded the advice from you and others, staying active - went to a graduation, birthday and anniversary dinner by myself - friends seemed pleased i attended solo and took no time in voicing their opinions: 'we're so glad you came to your senses. ____ is such a wet blanket, you're so pretty - you can do better'. what do friends think, how can people be so unkind? hearing their joy that we're on 'a break' didn't make me feel anything but lonely and dejected. they believe he's just depressed about the economy, have no idea about his past - which i would NEVER reveal. not a damn word from him either - how is this fair? was actually moved to go to a church - surprised the roof didn't cave in.. it's been so long since i felt the need to go.. i have no answers? i've been reading the posts here, books that have been recommended, praying, etc. - just when i get a twinge of hope, i'll get these feelings of despair. to have no communication but a few emails - how does his therapist think this is doing any good for us as a couple? read a post here that maybe the guy isn't into his gf - maybe he just isn't into me anymore? not communicating, what sense does that make? can't imagine where he is coming from? i feel like hunting his therapist down and asking for a meeting - but i'll bet that's the wrong thing to do. and i'm sure my bf will feel violated (everything makes him feel violated) - he's asked me to be patient.. we come from opposite sides of the country and my definition and his are quite different.. he is laid back/casual, and i "make coffee nervous".. how in the world did you get through 15 years? anyway.. thanks for taking the time to write.. i'm just having a bad day.. a real bad day.. a clint eastwook would shoot me type of day..


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#291799 - 06/15/09 11:50 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: AwesomeAnn]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
You're being honest about your weekend. It really does sound like your ground is shifting.

There is no need to apologize here or to retreat from that truth. There are days when this experience truly sucks. Ok. Those folks who are trying to make you feel better by slagging off someone they don't understand and superficially disapprove of haven't thought their comments through. And although they think that putting him down will somehow build you up, they aren't considering your needs. Even if they don't know about his CSA, its still a shallow approach to human relationships. So don't you listen to them! smile

It's as if they are saying, people are idiots for loving the wrong type of partner. What nonsense. The silence is making you feel vulnerable, you need reassurance and he can't give it to you right now. You might be feeling guilty even about thinking of your own needs when you know what he is going through. But that is why this forum exists, to provide a place where you can vent those frustrations with those who won't judge.

You are a kind and concerned person. And I only make this gentle nudge of a suggestion because it helped me....but you might want to look at why you might be needing that reassurance so badly right now? Why do we need to hear the words? I have a lesbian friend of mine who keeps asking me "why are you such a chick?" when I complain that the communication is misfiring. smile It's her way of reminding me that I have to re-examine the only thing I have any true power over in this situation - my own reactions.

I'm so sorry that the weekend your resources and your energy. This self-reliance thing takes pratice. But it does get easier, in my experience.

Be good to yourself.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#292102 - 06/17/09 07:19 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: cstjude]
AwesomeAnn Offline


Registered: 06/03/09
Posts: 14
Loc: California, USA
Thank you C for taking the time to reply. I can't get over how you hit the nail on the head!

"You might be feeling guilty even about thinking of your own needs when you know what he is going through."

Right on target! I do feel guilty - the worst thing in my youth was my mom wouldn't allow me to wear lipstick! In my logical, compassionate mind - I hear "he needs time, give him his space, let him be alone until he is ready".. than my hormone driven, Manhattan, Homecoming Queen rationale kicks in..."plenty of fish in the sea...you can do better, who needs this BS, blah blah blah".. Since you asked and the anonymity of this forum comforts me in sharing, he's really the only man I've ever truly loved to this level. I've had bf's since I was 16, and they've been great - but no one like him, he gets me, he can read my thoughts and knows when i need him and when i need my space (shocking is i require a lot more alone time than 99.99% of other women - i've been told) he rings when i am just getting ready to call him... he accepts my wacky, shallow friends (you were right again - we live in LA - the epitome of shallow - neighbors with "Speidi" & co...) he knows how i take my coffee & isn't afraid of my success, and our intimate relationship is perfect-which I have learned through reading this site, I'm lucky. To answer your question, "why you might be needing that reassurance so badly right now" because i miss him - and as shallow as this might sound, i don't miss anyone? I also feel without me, his entire existence is going to be just his csa? He's not working, I'm petrified he might hurt himself? I've read there is a higher rate of suicide and different nuances that I've heard him remark worries me? He once commented how he is unworthy of someone like me - i sarcastically replied "you and 90% of the guys in LA" - no ego problems here.. but when i tried to assure him i was joking, i don't need a 'more successful' 'more attractive' 'more ---- fill in the blank'man, he just got sullen and depressed over how 'broken' he is! If he had even one friend, just one damn friend or a family member that would stand by his side and be supportive - i'd be on the first plane to the Hamptoms and take the much needed breather i deserve - he has no one.. his mother won't broach the subject - she's very cold anyway. i'm sure she'd offer him an aspirin w/a curt 'you'll be fine'.. that's her damn mantra. The more I read of this horrible atrocity, the sadder I get. Even if things don't work out with us, I so wish he'd get a trusting person to vent with. He won't come near this or any other site or go to support meetings that I was able to locate in our area.. his therapist is recommending isolation - so besides the 3 hours he sees him the rest of the week he is home sulking.

Thanks again C. I'm happy your relationship was worth it and i wish you continued success.

self absorbed ann


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#292127 - 06/17/09 09:57 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: AwesomeAnn]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
Hi Ann,

You said, "I also feel without me, his entire existence is going to be just his csa."

It seems to me that right now he is quite involved in his healing process, with or without you. And that process is about him. It's not about you.

What is about you? Your healing process. Do you have a therapist?

I hope you believe that I say this with love in my heart and after reading this entire thread...and I've been in your shoes. I could add a lot of nice fillers, but I believe this is what it boils down to.

Peace,

Riz

p.s. If you feel like taking a break in the Hamptons, you should go.


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#292132 - 06/17/09 10:12 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: riz]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Ann,

You have one important, soul-searching question to answer for yourself girl... are you in this for the long haul? Even if you are not destined to be a couple, can he count on you? Being honest with yourself, brutally honest, on this point will help you chart a course in these turbulent waters. Where are your peresonal limits? What are your non-negotiables?

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#292133 - 06/17/09 10:16 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: cstjude]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Oh yeah, one more thing... smile

I sometimes turn to literature or poetry or song lyrics as a touch stone to keep myself grounded in this experience. One of my favourites is Cry if You Want To by Holly Cole. It speaks so much to how I view my loved one and my committment to him. Here are the lyrics:

Cry if you want
I wont tell you not to
I wonít try to cheer you up
Ill just be here if you want me

Itís no use in keeping a stiff upper lip
You can weep you can sleep you can loosen your grip
You can frown you can drown and go down with the ship
You cry if you want to

Donít ever apologize venting your pain
It's something to me you donít need to explain
I donít need to know why
I donít think itís insane
You can cry if you want to

The windows are closed
The neighbours arenít home
If itís better with me than to do it alone
I'll draw all the curtains and unplug the phone
You can cry if you want

You can stare at the ceiling and tear at your hair
Swallow your feelings and stagger and swear
You could show things and throw things and I wouldnít care
You can cry if you want to

I wonít make fun of you
I wonít tell anyone
I wonít analyze what you do or you should have done
I wonít advise you to go and have fun
You can cry if you want to

Well itís empty and ugly and terribly sad
I canít feel what you feel but I know it feels bad
I know that it's real and it makes you so mad
You could cry

Cry if you want to I wonít tell you not to
I wonít try and cheer you up
I'll just be here if you want me; to be
Near you




Edited by cstjude (06/20/09 10:46 PM)
_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#292162 - 06/18/09 02:19 AM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: riz]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Ann,

I don't know a good way of stating this without it coming across in a way I don't intend, but I'll give it a shot. You said:

Quote:
I also feel without me, his entire existence is going to be just his csa.

Get a good book on the topic of Co-Dependence, read it, and examine your behaviors in the relationship in the light of what you read. You can do very little to change his anti-relational behaviors but you can do everything to change your own.

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#292278 - 06/19/09 12:27 AM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: WalkingSouth]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59
Last November I asked for advice here. I was told to seek therapy for myself. I was told to try and figure out why I was so attracted to a man so badly broken. Sadly and ignorantly, I thought...... Nothing is wrong with me, he's the one that's gone nuts!!! Like you, I was well loved and very sheltered..... from a "normal" family. Since, I have learned (and this includes everybody drawnin' breath) it is not a question of... does "nuts" run in your family? It is, which side of your family does "nuts" run on? If you believe nothing else, you can believe that there is always something you can learn about yourself and improve.

Unless we have been SA, we truly have no idea what these men are going through. However, I have been where you are and I can understand how difficult it must be for you. I am sorry you are hurting. It is difficult when they close themselves off from us but it sounds like he is fighting his way to healthy and, that is a beautiful thing for the both of you. My boyfriend never stayed in therapy. I lived as if I was holding on to something, half off the ground. I kept clutching on to someone that was never staying put. It is a nervous, anxiety ridden way to live. I know it is difficult, but until he does what he needs to do, I doubt you will ever have a real chance with this man. Maybe the two years, where you felt everything was pretty wonderful....... it never truly was for him, not because of anything you did or didn't do...... but because of what was done to him so many years ago.

Guess what I am trying to say is (in a nutshell) what everyone else has said. Concentrate on yourself. If you want to help him be sure of what you need and what you don't want. If you want a life with him, find out what it is that you are bringing into this relationship that isn't healthy or helpful.

Love,
Julia


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#292298 - 06/19/09 07:57 AM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: Julia]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
Ann,

Sorry for my blunt words. As I've said, I have been in your shoes and I should have remembered how hard it is to hear about YOUR process when you are trying to take in what's happened to your loved one.

C., John, Julia...thanks for softening my words.

love,
Riz


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