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#290384 - 06/05/09 11:02 AM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: AwesomeAnn]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 123
Loc: Australia
Remember its ok to ask him about hugs - but remember that if he wants you to hug him then make sure that you hug him, not getting him to hug you. He won't confuse you with his mum.

Send him a text asking if its ok to phone him or text him and tell him to expect a call. then make sure you do call - otherwise there will be massive feelings of rejection.

No he is not blaming you for anything. Maybe he's engaging in self care - predicting that you will abandon him and is preparing himself for it. Give him the reassurance you know you want to.

Time to be brave and be awesome Ann!

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#290778 - 06/08/09 01:14 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: expom]
AwesomeAnn Offline


Registered: 06/03/09
Posts: 14
Loc: California, USA
Dear Expom:

Wanted to give you an update of my situation. With your wise advice, I wrote my BF a lovely email, at least I think it was, expressing my support and willingness to be by his side. He hasn't responded - sent four days ago. I don't think he's turning on his computer anymore? This is the 21st day of non verbal communication - and the emails/texts have all but diminished. Maybe I'm not the one for him? I have always accomplished things in lightning speed, am a transplant from New York and every cell in my being expresses this. This is a long process. Taking your advice, read posts on Friends & Family, and am choosing to start taking care of myself now. I have developed stress induced problems since I found about his abuse - and try as I might, I don't understand it, and don't comprehend his family's aloofness to it? Obvious I don't know how to deal with him and his suffering currently. If he is choosing to live in a cocoon, I can't wait around forever. Won't bore you anymore complaining and whining, just wanted to wish you a good week and express my appreciation for the help you gave me.

Blessings & Peace,

Ann
Not Feeling Awesome frown


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#290801 - 06/08/09 03:10 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: AwesomeAnn]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Blessings & peace to you also, Ann.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#290930 - 06/09/09 09:47 AM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: WalkingSouth]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 123
Loc: Australia
Hi there AwesomeAnn,

It may be worth pointing out that there are many times when our feelings are different from what is true. At the moment you may not feel Awesome - but my assessment is that is what you are. My reason for holding a different opinion and asserting it as more accurate is based on one of the most valuable things that we can offer another human (of God for that matter) and that is our availability.

Please remember that if your BF is not in a position to accept your offers to stand by and support him, it may not have anything pertaining to you. It also may have remarkably little to do with what he feels. There are times in the life of many CSA survivors when we feel we need to keep everyone away because we can't tell the difference between friends and enemies.

If you need to walk away from the relationship at this time then - although it is natural to feel a sense of loss - I trust that you will be able to go with your head held high, secure in the knowledge that you have behaved in an honourable way that is a good example to all.

It is true that time waits for no man but it can also be true that God repays us for the years stolen by the locusts. I pray that you experience the Peace of God in whatever option you choose.

With love and best wishes from a very cold wet Melbourne

ADen

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#291016 - 06/10/09 12:17 AM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: expom]
AwesomeAnn Offline


Registered: 06/03/09
Posts: 14
Loc: California, USA
Hi ADen:

Thank you for your email. Just received a response from my BF - a long letter explaining a lot of things that needed explanation. He is finally getting appropriate care and without commiting to anything but his recovery, he seems to be doing better. I sent him some of the responses from the moderators and he agreed with a lot of it and was surprised that I took the time to research CSA. I feel hopeful, I'm not going to be stupid - but I am also not going to abandon him like every other relationship he has had. That was ambiguous wasn't it?

Thanks again, have a good week.

Anne


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#291206 - 06/11/09 09:31 AM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: AwesomeAnn]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 123
Loc: Australia
No Anne,
Not ambiguous at all. It tells me that you will keep your options open; that you will HEAR what God has to say to you; that you will preserve your own dear self in the event of any self destruction on the part of your BF; that you will continue to surprise him with your interest in him - proven by your research.

Hope. HOPE. H.O.P.E. Healing Of Past Experiences.

The last thing to fly out of Pandora's box is hope - it is always the last thing that we have left. It is precious, vital, alive, nurturing, motivating.

Go for it Anne - entirely devoid of things that are not awesome.

ADen

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#291329 - 06/12/09 12:32 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: AwesomeAnn]
MPackard Offline


Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
Ann, you've gotten such great advise. I'm the wife of a survivor and before he began therapy he'd gone down many a destructive path. They culminated in him having an emotional affair that nearly devastated me. It was the trauma of nearly losing me that 1)caused him to begin having falshbacks and nightmares of the abuse and
2)caused him to get a T who specializes in compulsions and who seems to have a great grasp of the trauma of CSA.
He's doing quite well, for the moment, but at the time he was so depressed and withdrawn. He hated himself and thought himself unworthy. He had tried a few years ago to kill himself and was nearly successful.
He's working this time. He'd seen so many T in his past that he knew how to manipulate them, say what they wanted to hear...but THIS time, he has seen that it will surely be the end of him if he doesn't commit.
I write this all to answer another part of your first post. Are they worth it. I can tell you that mine is 100% worth it and I'd do it all over again.


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#291334 - 06/12/09 01:29 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: MPackard]
AwesomeAnn Offline


Registered: 06/03/09
Posts: 14
Loc: California, USA
Dear Friend:

You have no idea how much I needed to see this today. I had all but decided to throw in the towel last night. Developed a stress induced meltdown that caused atrocious health problems - had to be rushed to my doctor. Have never been this sick in my life - I am extremely healthy and have a background in holistic health so don't believe in any pill popping to cope. My sister who can tell in my voice when I am keeping something from her, finally coerced it out of me. When I told her my BF csa - she screamed "RUN! We've not been raised with any of this and you won't be able to handle the future drama". We are from an extremely tight knit family that kept the children so protected in a glass bubble - until we moved out, we had never encountered any of life's real ordeals. My entire family - extended and immediate was this cloistered. I was thought of a rebel because we moved out at 22, post college & graduate school! Every person who knows we're on a 'break' has come up and said "you can do better, he's so depressed & moody - why do you even want him"? They don't know of his csa, have kept his secret close to the vest.

He is a great guy - and has virtually no one... not a single friend - they all seem to throw him out - or are basically pleasant and curt...his mother is helpful - but that's a weird relationship in and of itself - she's never addressed the abuse - but i'm sure the guilt must wreak havoc with her mental status? New therapist isn't allowing him to "manipulate" him. The others were banal at best, to quote him like running on a treadmill - not useless, but not getting anywhere... I'm thrilled that your husband is on the road to recovery and you are in a good place. It gives me hope. Sorry for the long rant... I am confused and sick of this 'non communication' - as a woman, you know how we like to talk things out.....you're the only one who has thus far said "worth it"... it's the glimmer of light I am going to hold on to... thanks so much.

Ann


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#291446 - 06/13/09 05:44 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: AwesomeAnn]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Anne,
Fifteen years of interaction with my loved one has taught me that it is all worth it. You both have such important lessons head - his about recovery, and yours about how deep love goes.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#291558 - 06/14/09 12:53 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: cstjude]
AwesomeAnn Offline


Registered: 06/03/09
Posts: 14
Loc: California, USA
Thank you C. I believe you are correct. I have a lot to learn. I don't know if I have the 'backbone' to live through those lessons... it would so help if he would just communicate.. thanks for your response. Glad to hear your relationship was worth it.. am hopeful..

ann


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