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#28951 - 08/18/05 12:19 AM Need some Major Advice
Riptide X Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/24/04
Posts: 36
I know I have not posted in here in a long time. I been wokring on all my issues with my therapist for past 9 months and been doing great.

Up until today


Not sure if anyone remembers this thread

http://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=005060#000000


Well wife and I finally told her mom we never want to be around her step father becuase of what happened, and we want to protect our daughter which we feel is #1 prioirty.


Well her mom flipped out..and says she wants $1500 that she gave to us as a gift last year back...and not only that but accused me of the one my wife should be afraid of it not so words.

I was shocked when I heard this. She is twisting everything about her husband and trying to make me look like the bad guy.

It relaly hurt...because I caould never ever do anything of the sort not in a million years...


one of my biggest OCD fears which was caused by my abuse that i would be falsefully accused beucase of my past. I been trying to work through this with my CBT therapist. I am going to see her tomorrow.


My question is what to do now? I am really upset..what if she does something and tries to accuse me of this? I am sitting here crying..btw she doesnt know what happened to me in the past.

I told my wife lets jsut pay back the $1500 and get them out of our lives for good, but wife is so upset that her mom would say something like that when she still married to the same jerk who abused her.


I am a mess...i am seeing my therapist tomorrow...but i am a mess. I was doing so great to up until today...

Dont worry i am not depressed that bad or anything like that..just i am so angry, at my abuser..and at my mothern law


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#28952 - 08/18/05 01:43 AM Re: Need some Major Advice
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
I am not much on the advise side, but do empathize with your situation.

As I heard in a CODA meeting one, "It is none of my business what others think of me". You know the truth. Stick with it. All else will take care of itself.

Hang in there!


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#28953 - 08/18/05 02:33 AM Re: Need some Major Advice
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Rip:
Two seperate issues. The $1500 gift (not a loan?)... Dear Abby says that once a gift leaves your hands, it is gone. You have no control over how it is spent or the right to ask for it back. I'd let that one sit and ignore her "request".

The other thing: "The thing is we have a 10 year old daughter, and my biggest priority is her and her safety. I do not ever want her to be alone with my wife step-father, which never does happen. But her parents keep asking for her to sleep over, and her mom says dont worry i will never leave her alone with him."

They have no control over whether you let your daughter be over there. These folks are abuser and bully. You have the control. Your wife knows what her step-father did. If she wants him to acknowledge it (especially to admit what he did to his wife, her mother, and get appropriate help, you can look at him differently. Denial of what he did, either by him or by her, means that your daughter is likely in danger of abuse. Your advice to her (your daughter) to tell if anybody does anything is after the fact. And, there is no assurance that she will tell. How many survivors here were not able to tell about the abuse? Prevention is a whole lot better than treatment after she has been abused by him.

I would regard him as a potential danger and not let him/them have unsupervised contact with your daughter.

Ken


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#28954 - 08/18/05 02:45 AM Re: Need some Major Advice
Riptide X Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/24/04
Posts: 36
Thanks Splitting and Ken,


I have calmed down a bit, I took two klonopin ( i hate having to rely on it but this was one off those stressful times I needed it)

Now I can think a bit more clearly.

You are right I know what I am doing is right by protecting my daughter, and I know I would never ever do something like that.


I was finally getting over my abuse...I had come to a point in my therapy that I accomiplished so many things like realzing I am not gay finally (one of my major issues) and learning how to grasp with the images of my abuse itruding in my thoughts on a constant basis.

then this happened...jsut brought back everything.


over the past few months i been feeling great about myslef..i started to workout and lift weights and I lost 60lbs and 9 inches off my waist....finally feel great about myself for first time in life.


I want to thank you for letting me share my feelings in my time of need. Once I get past this I will try to stick around and help others out as you have. for a while I felt I w as no use becuase i was too deep in my own and was afraid


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#28955 - 08/22/05 09:30 AM Re: Need some Major Advice
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Riptide,

I would say the $1500 is yours. If she has such doubts of your character and chose to give you the money anyway, she's quite stupid, isn't she? ;\)

As to the rest, well, if your wife is willing to have nothing to do with her parents, then I think it should well be a 'done deal'. If necessary, change your phone number and email, and be done with them. After a while, they will get the idea that contact is done.

One of the worst (if not THE worst) insult someone can throw at us is to accuse US of being perpetrators, or that we have the potential to be. I think people when they are angry, they seek out the worst thing they can say or do to hurt you. She succeeded. But consider the source, consider the denial she is in over her own husband, and then take her opinion and put it in the trash bin where it belongs.

Wishing you good luck, and congratulations on all that you have accomplished.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#28956 - 08/22/05 05:21 PM Re: Need some Major Advice
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Riptide,

In agreeing with everything that has been said above, I would just add that your mother in law is pursuing a tactic of shaming and emotional blackmail. This is disgraceful and extremely destructive, as many of us know! There is no reason why you should put up with it; among other things, it could eventually begin to damage relations between you and your wife.

On the $1500.00, tell her to forget it. She gave it as a gift and now she wants it back? That is the worst sort of emotional blackmail and if she doesn't know that already it is high time someone gives her a wakeup call. Did she give you the money as a gift or as a payoff? Obviously the former, but now she hopes for the latter.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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