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#2894 - 08/29/02 07:31 PM A little scared...
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
I am only just coming to terms with the intense level of destruction and anxiety caused by childhood abuses - some I remember, and some I don't. Looking at these postings I see all the familiar signs; acting out, withdrawal, sexual confusion, reticence and dysfunction, marital problems, misunderstanding and hurt...

For years I thought these were my own "special" neuroses. And now I'm attacking the reality with therapy, anti-depressants, sobriety, and honest open dialogues with my wife and, with more difficulty, myself. It's a terrifying time. I don't know how it will all end, whether I'll remember the events which are now fuzzy at best. One period of abuse I know for certain, but my anxiety and terror goes back many years before this episode, and there's no memory of events at this time whatsoever. So I barrage myself with questions:
-will I ever be "okay" and have the sexual life I long for and have never had?
-will my wife have the patience and ability to stick it out?
-will I ever remember everything like some thunderbolt out of the blue and be able to put it past me? And who was the cause, my father, my mother, someone I don't remember, or is there only the second event and no SA reason for my prior terrors?

Coming to terms with the severity of my situation (which I only did about six months ago) plunged me into a suicidal depression which only strong anti-depressants has pulled me out from. I can't believe the difference they've made. The drugs, I feel, are literally saving my life. And that scares me as well. I lead an outwardly "normal" life, full of the pressures and responsibilities of any family man in the work force (no different, I'm sure, from the majority of you who post here). Yet there is such a war of anger, terror and confusion raging inside me. It's exhausting to say the least.
My therapist is really excellent and I suppose I need to try to be calm and patient and take things, as they say, one day at a time. Stick with the program and the drugs and the sobriety, etc. But I just sense such a greater black hole in my subconscious, and I feel that I've been through so much pain already. The possibility of further discovery is overwhelming.
Sorry to blather. Just needed to put this down on paper. It helps to know you all are out there in similarly black waters.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#2895 - 08/29/02 07:54 PM Re: A little scared...
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
You are not alone. Therapy and antidepressanrts literally saved my life as well. I will spare you too much info, bt I am working towards self-acceptance and self-love.

I have never had the clap of thunder realization of everything that happened. I have dug, ever deeper, trying to break through the cement (get it?) that surrounds the real me inside there somewhere...

I will say that I believe the blackness of the waters is more fear than reality. Not to say there aren't really scary things out there, there are terrible things; but those monsters shrink once you shine the light on them. The more you examine, the less power they have.

There is always turbulence when the feelings erupt. You are blessed with excellent therapy. Try to bring your wife in on what is happening TO THE EXTENT THAT SGHE CAN HANDLE IT. She, too, will be confused and scared.

I hope this helps.

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#2896 - 08/29/02 08:31 PM Re: A little scared...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
ARW
Welcome to our site, although we're sorry you need it at all.

You seem to have done a huge amount in a short time already, and found out what a rough ride it is. Don't let anyone tell you any different either.

But it does get better and easier. Time, hard work and support from your therapist and family make the journey possible, and easier.

There's huge support here , and your questions are our questions as well. And if we haven't got the answers we can sometimes show you where to look, wherever that might be.

be strong ARW
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#2897 - 08/29/02 09:58 PM Re: A little scared...
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
Brother ARW:

You are not alone. I share many of the same things...wife who's just as tired of this as I am, outwardly look like I'm fine, anti-depressants are both good and bad for me, sobriety is awfully tough, confusion, no justice, started dealing with this in March. Please join us in the chat room sometime. It's a safe, woderful place. Unfortunately my wife thinks it's not helpful for me to be there, so I don't visit as often as I'd like to, and I feel guilty when I go, though I'm doing nothing wrong. In fact, I'm doing what is really right. I am so tired of this.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#2898 - 08/29/02 11:32 PM Re: A little scared...
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
ARW,

welcome to the homestead, glad your here, this is a good place lots of good people here, i am glad you found us, and dude, please know this is as much your home now as anyones, so kick back soak in some of the ambiance and just let it out, kk.

this place is about acceptance and understanding, i like what cement had to say,, especially the part about working towards self acceptance and self love, those are the things that saved me.

i hope you find this place as nice as i do.

again, welcome home.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#2899 - 08/30/02 01:40 PM Re: A little scared...
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Thanks a lot for all the replies. Been on this site less than 24 hours and I already feel like I know all you guys. It's kind of overwhelming how similar our issues are. Makes you feel like a lab rat, right?
There's a lot of great help and advice in your words. And compassion. I sincerely appreciate it. I really do.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#2900 - 08/30/02 02:34 PM Re: A little scared...
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Welcome ARW,

I'm new here too, and everything you wrote about is my story too. There are many brothers here. I get so much out of what everybody shares. Sorry to hear about your depression. That's particulary tough. For my 2 cents I just want to throw out that the process to become what we're meant to be (were meant to be) is a dynamic one with lots of ebb and flow, journeying and resting. Becoming and being stable is the first step througout (if you follow). We need tools, maps, guides, etc. Meds, therapists, support groups, wives, friends, are all important, but this being a holiday weekend I want to say that there is nevertheless a danger to too much introspection. The gazing preoccupation with who or what's going to jump out or pull us into the next corner can get out of hand. Come back up to the surface everyone once in awhile (you might have to ask someone to help you do this) get sunshine on your face, smell something sweet, hold the hand of someone you love, get strong and head back down. (I hope this is not too insipid for some).

Then, "Face the thing you fear the most and it will be the certain death of it." Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

In spite of all the horrors, I do believe we victims will be victors over the demons that haunt us.

Be kind, to yourself, and each other, (and me if you're not crazy about my message)everyone is fighting a hard battle.

(ARW, you're still a young guy, equipping yourself for a struggle you didn't have the weapons for the first time around. I'm doing the same thing. We're all in this together).

I'm grateful and greatly-filled knowing that at long last I am not alone!


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#2901 - 08/30/02 03:51 PM Re: A little scared...
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Thank you JM for those wise words and the reminder to come up for air. I frequently forget to do that and then wonder why I'm drowning. Like I forget the surface of the black lake is even there. It is dangerous to engage in too much introspection at one time, especially without support. Everybody, thanks for being who you are. You have all helped me so much!


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#2902 - 08/30/02 03:55 PM Re: A little scared...
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Here here to what JM and Roy said...looking, digging, splashing around in the dark is good, but get out and dry, feel the sun on your face...also good. Excellent even. I think I shall do that.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#2903 - 08/30/02 04:00 PM Re: A little scared...
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
I tell you what is so damn scary is knowing how much I'm relying on the anti-d's, and friends I have on them say sometimes the cloud just descends again, and the relief goes. Paranoia perhaps, but that possibility scares the living daylights out of me.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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