Going on from what I was thinking in This thread
I've realized a few thins about me and operation S, ---- and i really don't know how to deal with them.
first, my own reactions absolutely terrify me.
If I have an E (rhymes with direction), I start to feel incredibly scared, ----- even if it's in a dream, or just alone.
So, as I said in the above thread, I've been using mb as a control method, making sure that the only time Iactually experience any reaction from my body is when I am in perfect control of it myself, then mb'ing as much as poss so as to get everything done then and avoid things happening the rest of the time. Even in dreams, I wake up feeling scared and incredibly bothered about what happened, ---- and quite often if I have a dream associated with an E, it's hugely unpleasant, and I wake up shaking.
I realize that sinse having an E often quite literally caused abuse to happen, ever sinse I've been a teenager I got into this habbit.
If I have an e in any sort of company, ----- whether alone, or with another person, I start to freeze! suddenly I'm going into shut down mode, preparing for an insult or worse.
This is one reason i can't stand physical affection, in fact I do remember one occasion when a girl unexpectedly hugged me. Not only was there a fear sinse she was interested, but there was also an absolute freezing, sinse I was concerned about my own reaction.
I have also realized, that I'm profoundly jealous of girls.
Not only do they have the useful social function of just sitting there, waiting for someone to be interested then rejecting or encouraging, ----- where as men are generally expected to do the chasing, but also female physical reactions are not visibley obvious, so there's no need to worry about hiding them.
If I was the least bit interested in men, i'd actually considder having my genda changed, ----- unfortunately sinse I'm not, it would just cause further problems, ----- pluss I like being a tenor rather than a soprano.
How do I stop being afraid of my own reactions? Always when I've fallen in love it's been a slow process, going on over at least several weeks, ----- and there's always been a sense of distance about it. I now realize even if **** or E, or any of the other girls I'd fallen in love with had shown any interest in me, and made it abundently clear, I'd have stil frozen just because of the physical reaction.
Has anyone else experienced this?
Has anyone got any advice? I really feel stuck with this, sinse all of the reactions seem incredibly ou of my control.