I think in a healthy marriage the recipe is somewhere in the range of equal parts. Normal has a variety of definitions and what you may view as normal, may be far from it by someone else's standards. A lot has to do with how we were raised and if that too leads towards ab-normal then the scale is way off balance, yes? Instead of looking at this as one way or the other, why not instead invent your own life together? I suspect you both will find much happiness and great satisfaction in creating an entirely different path to walk hand in hand, side by side.
As far as re-training anyone, I just can't understand this concept. I believe in my heart of all hearts in just loving "as is" but setting strong boundaries for issues that do not bring honor to the relationship. Aside from that, life is a learning experience for us all, survivor or non-survivor.
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."