From your second post, this really, really resonants with me:
The night I first posted here was a horrible one for me. I go through those nights almost every night, and most days. The weekend went really well though, despite my self loathing tendencies. I did not want to go, but was talked into by one of my teammates. We played a game on Friday night, and all I could do was completely doubt myself, through the whole game. Thoughts like, I suck, I am a failure, I should have never ccome on this trip were plaguing me all day.
All through my twenties and most of my thirties, I experienced a similar sort of all consuming self-loathing, especially in any social situation. Sometimes to the point of having to leave because I would get to a 'I'm going to explode if I don't get out of here' intensity of fear and loathing.
It's hard now for me to say what has helped the most, years of therapy, or finally finding the proper antidepressant. A lot of the newer meds actually help with other symptoms besides the depression. For me, Effexor has helped reduce my social phobia and perhaps the self-loathing to a much more manageable level.
Between your two posts, it sounds like (and this doesn't make it so) you might have depression and or some big anxiety problems that could be helped with meds.
The last thing I want to do is advocate for taking all these drugs of questionable efficacy and unproven long-term consequences. However, it might be something to explore with an MD, preferably a Pdoc. Sometimes the results make it worthwhile, life-saving in my case.
I'd write more but I'm toooo depressed (just kidding).