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#288674 - 05/24/09 11:17 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: king tut]
christianfather Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
The hardest one for me to hear or say is I love you. It was used too much during the CSA


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#288684 - 05/24/09 12:20 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: christianfather]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: christianfather
The hardest one for me to hear or say is I love you. It was used too much during the CSA


That's a good point, when words or phrases are used during he abuse then it takes some work to wash them clean and use them in the way that they are meant to be used, like being a 'good boy'

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#288690 - 05/24/09 12:47 PM Blank [Re: king tut]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK

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#288698 - 05/24/09 02:27 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: steveb121]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi my brothers in pain.

Words that were (still) hard for me to say are.
Mom.
Dear.
Honey.
I love you.
Give me a hug.
Sorry.
All the above, towards any female including my (seperated) wife.

There are probably more, but that's all that I can remember right now.

Heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#288736 - 05/24/09 11:44 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: king tut]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
That's a word that I haven't been successful at in referring to myself. My innards yell out that who ever I'd say it to concering myself they'd just say, "Oh, you wuz, get over it." That's what scares me about it, not being respectful and accept my truth as genuine.


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#288759 - 05/25/09 06:56 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Sam.

This is sounding familiar as well. Before I went to uni I tried humerous work arounds, but they rather crumbled when I realized that by using them I was joking on the subject which made me in my own site as bad as my abusers.

On a couple of occasions I did try to confront things, either by watching a comedy with that sort of smutty humour, or by reading the scientific artical on wikipedia on the subject, ----- but these tactics never seemed to work either.

i think I only really admitted to myself that things were abnormal when in the second year of my degree, my friend and I were reading each other's essays for political philosophy, and he'd written about the ethics of pornography.

While that word didn't bother me, (I doubt my abusers could've even spelled the word), a lot of his essay went into details, and I suddenly realized, ----- hold on a minute, there's something severely wrong here.

It's only really sinse I started recovery that I've really tried to do something about this in a structured way, in fact my reading of the artical on male abuse on wikipedia was what lead me to this site in the first place, and I'm slowly realizing that it's not just my pavlovian reactions to certain words, but that there are a hole bunch of other fears behind that tied up wit the subject and my reactions.

I'm really hoping I can get started on this with my T in the near future.

The thing I've found most confusing, is that people, ---- particularly girls, see my reaction as "sweet" it's really quite hard to square feeling incredibly frozen, uncomfortable and deeply hurt, with being told "oh that's so sweet"


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#288763 - 05/25/09 07:59 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: king tut]
Hidden15 Offline


Registered: 03/30/09
Posts: 33
Loc: Australia
"i love you" or "it will be different"

_________________________
You left me
Drowning in my own tears
You left me
Blaming myself for years
You left me
Insecure and scared
You left me
Thinking no one could care
You left me
Hurt and broken
You left me
Nothing but hoping…

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#288787 - 05/25/09 12:10 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
I've been like that finding structured ways to deal with difficult words.
I'll never forget the day, when I was building a wall, hit my thumb quite hard with a hammer. My normal response has always been, well, not to respond to circumstances that cause pain. I might say something quitely simple, like darn. That day I decided I would try a "grown up" thing like I heard other men say but this time said quietly, "shit". My emotional response was I broke a barrier that was at the same time doing something wrong. I was a complete tee-totaler when it came to cuss words. Religiously, for me that was not appropriate.

Yesterday, I decided my will to be whole is stronger now than my will to protect my fears. I had a lot of practice with words.
I agee with you about girls saying "that's sweet" It feels so patronizing when a leap is taken like that and its not recognized what risk was taken to open up.


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#288788 - 05/25/09 12:12 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: Hidden15]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
OH gawd yes!
My Mom, now tries to MAKE me say "I love you" to her.


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#288790 - 05/25/09 12:28 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
"shave"
That's my difficult word this week. Only been able to mutter it once. On the outside it seems such a benign word that's so easily uttered by the rest of the world. Not for me.

Its going to be great when I don't spend so much energy on not saying everyday used words.


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