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#288382 - 05/21/09 10:46 PM Words that are Hard to Say
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
Does anyone have problems with not being able to say certain words?
I've just been getting started on this site and so many things are popping up I want to talk about to see if there are others facing similar issues and how you're dealing with them. The not-alone thing really is being helpful.

Over my life I have counted I think around 60 words at one time I couldn't speak. All related to the body and or a hint of intimacy to them. Most of them I have no or less trouble with now like earlobe, elbow, toe, some cringing over boyfriend, girlfriend, dating..but there are others that I still have problems with.
I don't know exactly what to ask other than if someone else has had or having this problem and what has helped?

thanks,
Sam



Edited by kid-at-heart (05/21/09 10:48 PM)

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#288383 - 05/21/09 10:52 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
christianfather Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
There are a lot of words that trigger or I can say or hear yet. It's hard some times


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#288385 - 05/21/09 11:16 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: christianfather]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
I've managed a lot of work arounds in my life to cover the fear up.
Thanks for responding christianfather


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#288386 - 05/21/09 11:47 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Hi.

this is sounding very familiar. Ever sinse i became an adult, words like the S word have been incredibly painful for me to here, ---- and anything more explicite feels incredibly wrong, like a small electric shock in the back of my neck. this covers just about any discussion of the subject at all in anything more than the widest sense.

I know exactly where this comes from, sinse humour on that subject was a pretty major part of my abuse, so I got entirely used to believing something bad would happen whenever I got close to the subject, but it just feels like a reflext reaction to me, ---- something I can't kick.

Talking on this site has helped, as has having adult discussions about the subject with people who know my history and can use euphemisms, which helps me separate the subject from the phonemes that bother me, but sinse the subject itself also bothers me, I've never managed a work around at all and this is something I'm stil trying to get around.

I'm hoping that if I can work on my fear of the subject, it'll decrease fear of the word, ---- but this is proving a long process.

I'm now reminding myself of Harry potter and "he who must not be named" and the business abou fear of a name creating fear of the thing itself.

thanks for raising this topic, it's really nice to know that other people are working on this as well, and I deffinately hope you find a way around it.

Luke.


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#288393 - 05/22/09 12:26 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
For a long time, I could not memorize the serenity prayer because I would go blank when I got to the word "Trusting".

Trust is, in my estimation an irrational concept.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#288443 - 05/22/09 10:51 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: MrEdd]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
I hate the "locker room conversations." Especially among the professionals, it seems so out of place.

I myself have a hard time typing the word "come" as in to approach or draw near, because of the other connotation. I will restructure the sentence or paragraph to avoid it.

As a professional I sometimes have to adress human sexualtiy, and as a legitimate topic of concern or academically I can do so. Probably because I am in control of the quality and direction of said discussion.

Peace,
Shadow+Walker


_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

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#288612 - 05/23/09 05:03 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
Hi Luke,
Knowing you are out there too having problems helps take the sting out of feeling like its a big secret that it's very diffcult to hear or say some words.
At some points of progress throughout my life I would make myself say one of the words when I got around to feeling like I could. And with time some just wore out being afraid of them.
When younger I used to shift into "doctor" mode to hear the s..word in a group to be able to not run from a room.
My work-arounds were to use a wide de>

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#288613 - 05/23/09 05:04 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: MrEdd]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
Oooo, I can relate to that one.


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#288614 - 05/23/09 05:12 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: Shadow+Walker]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
I'm getting too, that since we're all talking about having trouble with some words, that everybody I see out there in the world may have problems too. Its not just me. Oddly that makes me feel more "normal."

I work with a bunch of women nurses and can they ever have "Locker room" talk.
I'm very familiar with the sentence restructuring verbally. I can point to a body part, make a joke, spin it..but man has that taken a lot of energy.

Talking in the shower has helped me at time making bold attempts to spit out a word. Sort of like it won't have so much power over me then.

Thanks Shadow-Walker


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#288672 - 05/24/09 10:30 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
I find the word "abused" actually quite hard to say out loud to people, i think it is because i feel so much that when i say the word out loud that it shows on my face that i know the word very well, and that makes me nervous. It doesn't stop me from using the word though.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#288674 - 05/24/09 11:17 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: king tut]
christianfather Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
The hardest one for me to hear or say is I love you. It was used too much during the CSA


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#288684 - 05/24/09 12:20 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: christianfather]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: christianfather
The hardest one for me to hear or say is I love you. It was used too much during the CSA


That's a good point, when words or phrases are used during he abuse then it takes some work to wash them clean and use them in the way that they are meant to be used, like being a 'good boy'

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#288690 - 05/24/09 12:47 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: king tut]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK
I find saying any words related to abusive issues real easy now, but like most guys here, used to avoid them at all costs.

I refuse to allow the past, which includes words used against me, to stop me living my life

Today, none, but one could potentially trigger me..and thats because I still find it offensive...but i wont allow it it have control over me, and therefore when said in my company I make sure that they know what the word means to me, and I often get an apology, though that is not what I wanted, just them to understand that words can hurt almost as much as the physical acts can do

§tèvë

_________________________
www.amsosa.com

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#288698 - 05/24/09 02:27 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: steveb121]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi my brothers in pain.

Words that were (still) hard for me to say are.
Mom.
Dear.
Honey.
I love you.
Give me a hug.
Sorry.
All the above, towards any female including my (seperated) wife.

There are probably more, but that's all that I can remember right now.

Heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#288736 - 05/24/09 11:44 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: king tut]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
That's a word that I haven't been successful at in referring to myself. My innards yell out that who ever I'd say it to concering myself they'd just say, "Oh, you wuz, get over it." That's what scares me about it, not being respectful and accept my truth as genuine.


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#288759 - 05/25/09 06:56 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Sam.

This is sounding familiar as well. Before I went to uni I tried humerous work arounds, but they rather crumbled when I realized that by using them I was joking on the subject which made me in my own site as bad as my abusers.

On a couple of occasions I did try to confront things, either by watching a comedy with that sort of smutty humour, or by reading the scientific artical on wikipedia on the subject, ----- but these tactics never seemed to work either.

i think I only really admitted to myself that things were abnormal when in the second year of my degree, my friend and I were reading each other's essays for political philosophy, and he'd written about the ethics of pornography.

While that word didn't bother me, (I doubt my abusers could've even spelled the word), a lot of his essay went into details, and I suddenly realized, ----- hold on a minute, there's something severely wrong here.

It's only really sinse I started recovery that I've really tried to do something about this in a structured way, in fact my reading of the artical on male abuse on wikipedia was what lead me to this site in the first place, and I'm slowly realizing that it's not just my pavlovian reactions to certain words, but that there are a hole bunch of other fears behind that tied up wit the subject and my reactions.

I'm really hoping I can get started on this with my T in the near future.

The thing I've found most confusing, is that people, ---- particularly girls, see my reaction as "sweet" it's really quite hard to square feeling incredibly frozen, uncomfortable and deeply hurt, with being told "oh that's so sweet"


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#288763 - 05/25/09 07:59 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: king tut]
Hidden15 Offline


Registered: 03/30/09
Posts: 33
Loc: Australia
"i love you" or "it will be different"

_________________________
You left me
Drowning in my own tears
You left me
Blaming myself for years
You left me
Insecure and scared
You left me
Thinking no one could care
You left me
Hurt and broken
You left me
Nothing but hoping…

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#288787 - 05/25/09 12:10 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
I've been like that finding structured ways to deal with difficult words.
I'll never forget the day, when I was building a wall, hit my thumb quite hard with a hammer. My normal response has always been, well, not to respond to circumstances that cause pain. I might say something quitely simple, like darn. That day I decided I would try a "grown up" thing like I heard other men say but this time said quietly, "shit". My emotional response was I broke a barrier that was at the same time doing something wrong. I was a complete tee-totaler when it came to cuss words. Religiously, for me that was not appropriate.

Yesterday, I decided my will to be whole is stronger now than my will to protect my fears. I had a lot of practice with words.
I agee with you about girls saying "that's sweet" It feels so patronizing when a leap is taken like that and its not recognized what risk was taken to open up.


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#288788 - 05/25/09 12:12 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: Hidden15]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
OH gawd yes!
My Mom, now tries to MAKE me say "I love you" to her.


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#288790 - 05/25/09 12:28 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
"shave"
That's my difficult word this week. Only been able to mutter it once. On the outside it seems such a benign word that's so easily uttered by the rest of the world. Not for me.

Its going to be great when I don't spend so much energy on not saying everyday used words.


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#288791 - 05/25/09 12:32 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
This may be a bit off topic from words that are diffcult to say...but to hear. The other phrase besides "That's sweet" for me that I can't stand to hear from girls is, "poor baby".


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#288872 - 05/26/09 03:19 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
On the basic swearing front, I would also highly avoid such things for a very long time. I remember in fact physically not being able to watch certain films just because of the swearing content, ----- particularly those which had something to do with the body or the general subject which causes problems.

to a large extent, I had to examine my atitude to many swear words when i got to uni, sinse I had several incredibly good friends (of both genders), who'd use them casually. Not all the time in general conversation as my abusers did, ---- but if they had a reason, if something whent wrong, they'd not hold back.

I thus had to re-evaluate things completely, sinse I couldn't just my friends as bad for using such language.

I've never heard "poor baby" from any of my female friends (I'd guess that's a uk vs us thing), my problem with being told "oh that's so sweet" is that it feels so incredibly wrong. I don't find it patronizing, sinse usually it's not meant that way, I just find it incredibly at odds with the situation.

On some occasions I've actively run into people (especially girls), who will play on my reaction to certain words just to get them. This situation is so profoundly similar to my abuse I usually just end up turning around and leaving.

Reading this topic, I actually realize that i do have a problem with hearing the words "I love you" it's something my mum has noticed on quite a few occasions, ---- -sinse when she says it, I'll usually respond with "mmmm" or something similarly noncommital.

I suspect this is involved with my hole self-isteme problem.

thanks again for this topic Sam, your deffinately making me think about things.


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#288928 - 05/26/09 02:13 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
Swear words heard in movies and by people, it just seem to make me feel such a gap between me and "the world." Sort of like, "you're an adult" and I'm not. Fortunately, I'm over that now. If used it's certainly words I don't use around people. An image thing, no doubt.

The "poor baby" thing gets me here I guess, is because it feels like a mothering thing. Demascualting, de-adulting if I can make up a phrase here.

You acutally run across people who know you react strongly to certain words and say them just to get a reaction out of you? I can understand why you'd walk away.
Yes, the "I love You" one is dificult. My mom will keep asking till I give her the answer she wants. I think she has more self-esteem issues than I do!


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#288944 - 05/26/09 04:08 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
i think the problem I have with "I love you" is all to do with worthlessness,which seems my main demon in recovery terms, even more than fear.

It's very strange, I can pick up when other people are depressed, angry bothered, happy or feeling a hole lot of other emotions, but I have a huuuuuuuge blind spot when other's emotions are directed at me, ---- and hearing "I love you" from my mum just feels as if she's addressing someone else other than me.

I've never particularly considdered swearing as adult, ----- almost the opposite in fact, sinse my abusers and I were teenagers at the time. For a long while, hearing swearing would make me feel like I was back in that position, and i physically couldn't understand that someone could be a reasonable human being and use such words.

This was I think why being at uni, and meeting people who I admired, and who were kind enough to be my friends, ---- and yet at the same time swore broke the cycle.

I suppose the problem with me and explicite languge is my discomfort reaction gets mistaken for shame or embarrissment, especially sinse I tend to blush and become nervous, and I can't tell people the real reason why those sorts of things bother me so much.


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#289133 - 05/27/09 07:40 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
dark empathy,
I'm with you there on the worthlessnes belief. I just don't get it even if someone tries to do something nice for me. I wonder, "what do you want?"

We're both alike on picking up other's emotions and not getting it when its directed toward me. In fact, for ahwile I was in a self-created job that allowed me to just sense other's emotions and hone in on circumstances behind them. It let me experience a kind of intimacy..but still one way.

In my youth I made it a determined goal to never speak those explict language words, but it also poured over into other areas I would never do. Guess I got compulsive about it.

I had an interesting event today at work with forbidden words. I silently cussed under my breath about a trivial action by my female boss who in simple terms was just trying to divert blame from herself on to others...me in fact. Oddly it felt good! Like a release to really feel something instead of just take it. I tend to just let things go all the time and not stand up for myself. But, this time it just felt good to feel free to just speak up, even if it wasn't flattering language. I could feel the pressure in my chest release.

Somehow, being here talking is freeing me to be angry. I like it but I'd best be cautious.

I blush just at the hint of someone expressing I've done something wrong, even if it's "you need to get that trash out." It feels like I'm being accused like a 10 year old messing up.


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#289186 - 05/28/09 01:33 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
i have had one lucky circumstance on the swearing thing, which is that in England, there are a set of words, ----- such as bloody, which are used as mild swearwords and which I don't find triggering at all. On the few occasions I become angry for one reasons or another, I'll tend to use a stream of those words very loudly, then calm down.

I've also found sarcasm far more use in conveying my anger towards others.

I can be perfectly civil, use no swear words at all, ---- and yet release my anger in an incredibly pointed way. For instance, last week when the university reception informed me they would no longer accept post in braille, they attempted to explain the reasons (that they had changed! their policy), several times, I replied that I fully understood that they were being useless.

When they became shocked, I pointed out to them that sinse the use of a postal service was to send post, if they would no longer accomplish that function for me they were therefore useless.

The set of more extreme swear words, ----- particularly those which are close to the subject I have difficulty with I stil do not say.

One very shocking thing I realized recently, is that there was a point during my abuse when I was releaved to here people using explicite language at me, ----- sinse it was only words, and a lot better than other things which could've been happening. a friend of mine with a Ma in counceling is fairly certain this is where my sense of worthlessness comes from.


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#289275 - 05/28/09 05:07 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I used to have a terrible time admitting to someone that I loved them, simply because, as so many of the rest of you already know, the term had such horrible connotations for me from childhood. And I still shudder when I hear the word "lovely", as I was called "lovely boy" by the two worst abusers I had.

It was huge for me to begin signing off with "much love', by the way. I think I began doing that here in the fall of 2005. I guess it was a way to keep reminding myself that genuine love can be caring and compassion that has nothing at all to do with sex, or with wanting anything from someone. It's not something that has ever gotten "old" for me. I still type it out each time. smile Just goes to show how dramatically things can change for the better.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#289301 - 05/28/09 09:07 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Far and away the hardest words I ever had to say in my life were the seven words, "I was sexually abused as a boy." Even now, 6 years after the first dawning of realization, it's still find it difficult in certain situations.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#289305 - 05/28/09 09:22 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: WalkingSouth]
christianfather Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
Originally Posted By: walkingsouth
Far and away the hardest words I ever had to say in my life were the seven words, "I was sexually abused as a boy." Even now, 6 years after the first dawning of realization, it's still find it difficult in certain situations.


My God your so right. I hurt and stutter every time I say it.


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#289620 - 05/31/09 12:52 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
Brilliant use of sarcasm there.
I remember when younger and someone was being unfair towards me with abusive language or accusations I'd weave a conversation around in retaliation to make them feel very bad. I'd pick up emotionally what was weak about them and focus in on it. Looking back now on it I was pretty vicious. I had to stop.
Just now thinking about it, that must have come from my mom who was verbally abusive to everyone when she got drunk. She must have felt worthless about herself which I inherited.


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#289633 - 05/31/09 08:26 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
My brother is a pass master at that sort of thing. he gets angry a lto of the time, wrants in private, but then releases his anger by tyin someone up in the most painful knots, working on their various problems and flaws, and eventually getting them to do what he wants.

What's particularly synister, is he manages to do this in a very quiet, polite tone, ----- he even has a short tongue when he's especially furious.

Sinse he's both a lawyer and an accomplished chess player though, it's not too surprising.

I just tend to use very obvious and pointed sarcasm like that mentioned above, ---- but then again I don't get angry often at all, which is probably lucky.


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