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#288791 - 05/25/09 12:32 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
This may be a bit off topic from words that are diffcult to say...but to hear. The other phrase besides "That's sweet" for me that I can't stand to hear from girls is, "poor baby".


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#288872 - 05/26/09 03:19 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
On the basic swearing front, I would also highly avoid such things for a very long time. I remember in fact physically not being able to watch certain films just because of the swearing content, ----- particularly those which had something to do with the body or the general subject which causes problems.

to a large extent, I had to examine my atitude to many swear words when i got to uni, sinse I had several incredibly good friends (of both genders), who'd use them casually. Not all the time in general conversation as my abusers did, ---- but if they had a reason, if something whent wrong, they'd not hold back.

I thus had to re-evaluate things completely, sinse I couldn't just my friends as bad for using such language.

I've never heard "poor baby" from any of my female friends (I'd guess that's a uk vs us thing), my problem with being told "oh that's so sweet" is that it feels so incredibly wrong. I don't find it patronizing, sinse usually it's not meant that way, I just find it incredibly at odds with the situation.

On some occasions I've actively run into people (especially girls), who will play on my reaction to certain words just to get them. This situation is so profoundly similar to my abuse I usually just end up turning around and leaving.

Reading this topic, I actually realize that i do have a problem with hearing the words "I love you" it's something my mum has noticed on quite a few occasions, ---- -sinse when she says it, I'll usually respond with "mmmm" or something similarly noncommital.

I suspect this is involved with my hole self-isteme problem.

thanks again for this topic Sam, your deffinately making me think about things.


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#288928 - 05/26/09 02:13 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
Swear words heard in movies and by people, it just seem to make me feel such a gap between me and "the world." Sort of like, "you're an adult" and I'm not. Fortunately, I'm over that now. If used it's certainly words I don't use around people. An image thing, no doubt.

The "poor baby" thing gets me here I guess, is because it feels like a mothering thing. Demascualting, de-adulting if I can make up a phrase here.

You acutally run across people who know you react strongly to certain words and say them just to get a reaction out of you? I can understand why you'd walk away.
Yes, the "I love You" one is dificult. My mom will keep asking till I give her the answer she wants. I think she has more self-esteem issues than I do!


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#288944 - 05/26/09 04:08 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
i think the problem I have with "I love you" is all to do with worthlessness,which seems my main demon in recovery terms, even more than fear.

It's very strange, I can pick up when other people are depressed, angry bothered, happy or feeling a hole lot of other emotions, but I have a huuuuuuuge blind spot when other's emotions are directed at me, ---- and hearing "I love you" from my mum just feels as if she's addressing someone else other than me.

I've never particularly considdered swearing as adult, ----- almost the opposite in fact, sinse my abusers and I were teenagers at the time. For a long while, hearing swearing would make me feel like I was back in that position, and i physically couldn't understand that someone could be a reasonable human being and use such words.

This was I think why being at uni, and meeting people who I admired, and who were kind enough to be my friends, ---- and yet at the same time swore broke the cycle.

I suppose the problem with me and explicite languge is my discomfort reaction gets mistaken for shame or embarrissment, especially sinse I tend to blush and become nervous, and I can't tell people the real reason why those sorts of things bother me so much.


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#289133 - 05/27/09 07:40 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
dark empathy,
I'm with you there on the worthlessnes belief. I just don't get it even if someone tries to do something nice for me. I wonder, "what do you want?"

We're both alike on picking up other's emotions and not getting it when its directed toward me. In fact, for ahwile I was in a self-created job that allowed me to just sense other's emotions and hone in on circumstances behind them. It let me experience a kind of intimacy..but still one way.

In my youth I made it a determined goal to never speak those explict language words, but it also poured over into other areas I would never do. Guess I got compulsive about it.

I had an interesting event today at work with forbidden words. I silently cussed under my breath about a trivial action by my female boss who in simple terms was just trying to divert blame from herself on to others...me in fact. Oddly it felt good! Like a release to really feel something instead of just take it. I tend to just let things go all the time and not stand up for myself. But, this time it just felt good to feel free to just speak up, even if it wasn't flattering language. I could feel the pressure in my chest release.

Somehow, being here talking is freeing me to be angry. I like it but I'd best be cautious.

I blush just at the hint of someone expressing I've done something wrong, even if it's "you need to get that trash out." It feels like I'm being accused like a 10 year old messing up.


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#289186 - 05/28/09 01:33 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
i have had one lucky circumstance on the swearing thing, which is that in England, there are a set of words, ----- such as bloody, which are used as mild swearwords and which I don't find triggering at all. On the few occasions I become angry for one reasons or another, I'll tend to use a stream of those words very loudly, then calm down.

I've also found sarcasm far more use in conveying my anger towards others.

I can be perfectly civil, use no swear words at all, ---- and yet release my anger in an incredibly pointed way. For instance, last week when the university reception informed me they would no longer accept post in braille, they attempted to explain the reasons (that they had changed! their policy), several times, I replied that I fully understood that they were being useless.

When they became shocked, I pointed out to them that sinse the use of a postal service was to send post, if they would no longer accomplish that function for me they were therefore useless.

The set of more extreme swear words, ----- particularly those which are close to the subject I have difficulty with I stil do not say.

One very shocking thing I realized recently, is that there was a point during my abuse when I was releaved to here people using explicite language at me, ----- sinse it was only words, and a lot better than other things which could've been happening. a friend of mine with a Ma in counceling is fairly certain this is where my sense of worthlessness comes from.


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#289275 - 05/28/09 05:07 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I used to have a terrible time admitting to someone that I loved them, simply because, as so many of the rest of you already know, the term had such horrible connotations for me from childhood. And I still shudder when I hear the word "lovely", as I was called "lovely boy" by the two worst abusers I had.

It was huge for me to begin signing off with "much love', by the way. I think I began doing that here in the fall of 2005. I guess it was a way to keep reminding myself that genuine love can be caring and compassion that has nothing at all to do with sex, or with wanting anything from someone. It's not something that has ever gotten "old" for me. I still type it out each time. smile Just goes to show how dramatically things can change for the better.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#289301 - 05/28/09 09:07 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: kid-at-heart]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Far and away the hardest words I ever had to say in my life were the seven words, "I was sexually abused as a boy." Even now, 6 years after the first dawning of realization, it's still find it difficult in certain situations.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#289305 - 05/28/09 09:22 PM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: WalkingSouth]
christianfather Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
Originally Posted By: walkingsouth
Far and away the hardest words I ever had to say in my life were the seven words, "I was sexually abused as a boy." Even now, 6 years after the first dawning of realization, it's still find it difficult in certain situations.


My God your so right. I hurt and stutter every time I say it.


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#289620 - 05/31/09 12:52 AM Re: Words that are Hard to Say [Re: dark empathy]
kid-at-heart Offline


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 45
Loc: Kansas
Brilliant use of sarcasm there.
I remember when younger and someone was being unfair towards me with abusive language or accusations I'd weave a conversation around in retaliation to make them feel very bad. I'd pick up emotionally what was weak about them and focus in on it. Looking back now on it I was pretty vicious. I had to stop.
Just now thinking about it, that must have come from my mom who was verbally abusive to everyone when she got drunk. She must have felt worthless about herself which I inherited.


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