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#286771 - 05/08/09 07:40 PM Just letting out some feelings
bluefairy Offline


Registered: 04/04/09
Posts: 52
I havn't really put my feelings to words, I guess it's time I understood how i'm feeling.

He (my boyfriend) is the most caring guy I have ever met, he is smart, kind, and I think he has a shinning heart.

It makes me so angry! How dare they, they had no right. I desperately wish I could change what has happened, but I know I can't, there's a frustration there. I get stuck for words sometimes, it's shocking, I have a different perspective on life now, before it was pretty much life = work and honestly I was somewhat in my own head. After my boyfriend told me about his csa and I came on this site, the more I realised work isn't all there is, there are more important matters in life.

Those * have not only done him wrong, but made his life hard even now, why should he have to have trouble sleeping, nightmares... He doesn't derserve this, no one does. I don't ever want to meet them, but he has so far lead a life knowing/seeing them as if nothing happened, because his abusers are acting as if nothing happened, that's what he has told me. How they can just pretend it didn't happen, if they had any morals they'd go turn themselves in.

It's upsetting sometimes when I think he may not be feeling happy, everyone wants their partner to be happy. I know that there isn't really much I can do, other than be there and listen. I said I would go to theary with him, if he wants, there's an avaliable system over here but there is like a waiting period, I'm not sure when he will decide to go to one. I guess it will be good for him to go, for his recovery process.

_________________________
There will always be a place for you in my heart

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#286827 - 05/09/09 05:12 AM Re: Just letting out some feelings [Re: bluefairy]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 124
Loc: Australia
Good on you Blue Fairy.
A few months ago I managed to tell my wife of 26years about what happened to me as a kid. OOPS. What I mean is . . what was done to me as a kid because it sure was no accident.

Since then Julie has gotten herself into see an abuse counsellor for how to handle her feelings and how to appropriately support me.

We have met with my counsellor and come up with a plan for a days workshop for couples where we spend time together and separately (survivors together and partners together).

AS isolated as the survivors feel, this pales in the face of the isolation of the supporting partners because there are so few resources freely available and designed for them (you).

I have long held the view that my wife has not had a legitimate environment in which to vent her justifiable rage at how me being violated as a child has had such a major negative effect on our marriage. Hopefully she will get the chance to swing a pick-axe handle against a leather punch bag - a poor substitute for the head of the animal that predated on me.

I have searched the net for weeks trying to find any info on if, where, when others have held this sort of workshop. As yet I haven't found anything. So if you'd like a trip to Australia at end of July/beginning of August we'd love to see you.

ADen

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#286863 - 05/09/09 12:46 PM Re: Just letting out some feelings [Re: expom]
bluefairy Offline


Registered: 04/04/09
Posts: 52
I think that's good idea, negative effects in a relationship may put a strain on both partners even though they love each other and want it to work, so such a workshop would be helpful, couples sharing ideas and hearing how others are managing. Australia is quite far for me, but thanks for the invite. Hope it goes well for you.

_________________________
There will always be a place for you in my heart

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#288362 - 05/21/09 09:21 PM Re: Just letting out some feelings [Re: bluefairy]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 124
Loc: Australia
The workshop is now booked - locked in place.

When the information is put out on the day, I will try and let you see how the day's workshop is organised together with its content. Who knows? You may be able to find someone, or a group, to facilitate something similar.

Heaven knows how much support is deserved by the supporters of survivors.

In the meantime I wish you both well

ADen

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#288370 - 05/21/09 10:08 PM Re: Just letting out some feelings [Re: bluefairy]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Bluefairy,

It sounds to me like the feelings you're describing in yourself are probably similar to what your partner went through during the abuse period (speechlessness, shock), except you can feel the anger that he couldn't feel at the time because it was way too threatening for him to feel, and probably still is too threatening for him. Anger is empowering and protective.

I myself am a male survivor and have read books on the subject that explain how the therapists who treat CSA victims and who listen to the horrific accounts of their clients sexual abuse can easily experience symptoms of PTSD from simply listening empathically to their clients. It seems to me that something similar is happening to you. It's good that you came to this site to vent and get support because no one, not even our supporters or therapists, can deal with CSA alone. You are obviously a kind and empathic person who cares deeply about your partner, nevertheless he has opened your eyes to things that shouldn't happen to people, and this is changing the way you see the world. But keep on venting if you have to because CSA, and it's aftermath, can never be healed in silence and denial.

Take care of yourself,
Casmir

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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