Newest Members
Anony_mous, Drew6991x, Miro, jj843, The Abyss
12364 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Bear (42), BoyNoMore (56), Daniel_05 (40), James Landrith (44), john kay (41)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 12 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12364 Members
74 Forums
63541 Topics
443954 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#288319 - 05/21/09 04:16 PM Feeling hopeless and close to tears
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
I think I have reached the saturation point and it makes me feel so sad. We have been getting closer in fits and starts, but the closer we get, the more he shuts me out. He has a gig with a new group tonight and didn't even call or e-mail me to tell me about it. I found out from his profile update on facebook. It just feels so damn cold, so heartless. I can't shake myself out of this mood and I am not going to go to this gig so he can prove to me how extraordinarily talented he is, how moving his music is, & how unimportant I am.

Sorry, everyone, just had to vent. Thanks for "being here."

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#288320 - 05/21/09 05:03 PM Re: Feeling hopeless and close to tears [Re: kolisha54]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
This must hurt. Sorry you are going through this.

Peace,

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

Top
#288325 - 05/21/09 06:10 PM Re: Feeling hopeless and close to tears [Re: DJsport]
rainbow Offline


Registered: 12/16/08
Posts: 28
Dear kolisha54,

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. It sounds like a hard situation to be in where someone is pulling away sometimes. I hope you are looking after yourself and building your own emotional strength up in case you need to walk away from this situation at some point. We get very caught up in loving them and wanting it to be OK for them but we have to look after ourselves if the relationship destabilizes our own happiness too much. It's so hard though. As you know, I broke up with my man, and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life.

Peace and care,
Rainbow


Top
#288361 - 05/21/09 09:12 PM Re: Feeling hopeless and close to tears [Re: rainbow]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Kolisha (and i always Love your flower Avatar!)

but the closer we get, the more he shuts me out.

the more you plan for this pattern, the more you can know it's nothing to do with you- it's in it's seemingly convuluted way, acknowledgement of trusting you more. but he can't trust his trust so time to gain equilibrium and distance.

i can't remember if he's in pretty active recovery. if not the pattern will continue to intesify is almost a sure thing. with a complete exit on his part ending just when you've acheived the deepest emotional intimacy. Trust ='s danger. It's not healthy to live at the partner end of this pattern. it drains and as you're feeling now, hurts and demeans. Unless he's in full blown devotion to recovery- and even then, he most likely just can't not do this yet. it's just survival for him and the only way he can even continue relating to you. anything that goes strsight ahead comes with flashing warning signs and feels like an oncoming train to him- betrayal the fear at the end.

My connection & caring with you is somewhat sisterly because we were both in the realm of new to the board within our first yars here. I'm sure you've Mike Lew's book , no ? The relationships chapter may comfort- just make it so clear, it's not about you. Holding you in the Light, (Quaker saying smile . Am





Edited by An (05/21/09 09:12 PM)
Edit Reason: typos though there's probably more :)

Top
#288376 - 05/21/09 10:28 PM Re: Feeling hopeless and close to tears [Re: An]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2577
From my own experience as well as talking to other fellows, the closer you get, the more vulnerable he's going to feel, and the only way he knows to cope with that is to hide and withdrawl, because in the depths of his mind and experience, being vulnerable = being hurt.

Trust is so very hard for us. I've been married going on 10 years, and trust is still hard and there's still always the fear in me that it's just a matter of time before more pain will arrive.


Top
#288406 - 05/22/09 03:38 AM Re: Feeling hopeless and close to tears [Re: JustScott]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thanks so much to everyone!!!

I think I have been guilty of being too indirect with him at times - I've spoken with him about "healing" & about "stuff coming up from out of the past," but I have never pushed the idea of his going back to therapy. If we should ever find ourselves in contact again, I will try to insist in as loving a manner as I can muster. But this whole PushMe/PullYou Dance has me depleted and exhausted.

I am so blessed to have you all here!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#288410 - 05/22/09 06:24 AM Re: Feeling hopeless and close to tears [Re: kolisha54]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
PushMe/PullYou Dance .... what an excellent de>
_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

Top
#288418 - 05/22/09 07:37 AM Re: Feeling hopeless and close to tears [Re: soapy bubbles]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Yes, SB & the most characteristic thing about this dance is that you can never really be sure if you are dancing with a partner or dancing all by yourself.... : (

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#288421 - 05/22/09 08:06 AM Re: Feeling hopeless and close to tears [Re: kolisha54]
Marissa Offline


Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 67
Ditto what Rainbow said....


Top
#288573 - 05/23/09 09:06 AM Re: Feeling hopeless and close to tears [Re: Marissa]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Sigh. I feel like I have been "putting the best face on things" for so long that I just can't do it any more. The terrible lows are not worth the highs. Rainbow - how did you "get away?" I guess I am fortunate that this should happen over a 3 day weekend & that I will have some extra time to be by myself & lick my wounds, but to be so depressed on a holiday weekend makes me even more upset because I feel like I should be happily enjoying my life & I'm not.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.