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#288245 - 05/20/09 10:44 PM How do you believe in God after CSA???????????????
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
I was raised a Catholic. After my son and nephew were abused, I just cant find it in me to believe that a God actually exists. Why would he allow this to happen? If God is "all knowing" and "watching over us" how does this happen? I look in the mirror every night and search for an answer to this and I find NONE! There is NO excuse for a child to be sexually abused PERIOD! How is it possible to believe in a God that was supposedly "all knowing" and "watching over" my child and every child and this happen?

I do understand that some of you put thier faith in God to heal, and with all do respect, I really just do not get it at all.

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#288264 - 05/21/09 01:27 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6843
Loc: USA
Didi,

I have recently been coming to the conclusion that I have had hidden anger toward God for my abuse. I think it is common for "survivors" and their loved ones to have this. Maybe it would be surprising if we didn't.

I have about a dozen unread books on the subject of why God allows suffering. I have started reading a bunch of them and then put them down because they didn't seem to answer my heart's cry. It may be something that every individual has to find their way out of.

It seems that it comes naturally to children to trust, unless they have been hurt. Then that childish trust becomes more or less tarnished. This is too bad, but it seems to be reality.

One thing that might be said is that there is a cosmic war in progress. Read the book of Job in the Bible. It is in many places in the Bible. There is a real, evil powerful personality who opposes God's goodness and seeks to destroy His children. God gets blamed for the deeds of the malevolent one.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#288284 - 05/21/09 08:12 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: pufferfish]
Marissa Offline


Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 67
Hi, Didi -

I can only imagine how you feel - my DH was abused and i know how I feel about that - I can't imagine if it were my son!

Anyway - I guess my feelings about God or a lack thereof came about as a result of a spiritual journey, not the CSA journey.

I should add a disclaimer that my journey was brought about by my working through my own issues of spiritual abuse in a fundamentalist religious cult. So I tend to be a bit jaded... :O)

I just don't believe that there is a God up there that is all interested in and watching my life. I don't think "God" is anything like what Christianity purports - I think of it more in terms of science - that there is most likely some sort of interconnectedness between our universe and all the other life out there. An energy of some sort...that we can all tap into...

IMHO, the reason folks get angry with God is because we have been lead to believe that He is actually up there watching our every move and intervening to lay out "His Plan" accordingly. Then when something bad happens - you can't grasp why on earth God would allow that if he was so great and wonderful....maybe because "He" doesn't exist the way "He" has been defined by religion? Maybe because our life happens by chance? And by our own action or lack thereof? Maybe because we don't live in a plastic bubble and have to interact with the world and there are, unfortunately, some really bad people out there?? I'm sure we could question it and ponder it for hours.

...and never know the answer...

I don't know - it's a really difficult issue - leaving my religion was very difficult for me - it was the only framework I had for identifying myself and my place in the world - once I got past the initial crisis of it all - it was very freeing.

I'm still on the journey - I have PTSD from the abuse - still trying to work everything out in my mind. I try hard not to say, "I'm never going to believe THAT again..." and stay really open minded about things.....

I don't know if that helped you *at all*....


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#288329 - 05/21/09 07:16 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Marissa]
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
Hey didi,

While I'm not overly religious, I do believe in God and I do ask him for help from time to time and I do consider him a part of my life. A friend asked me the very same question about a month ago; how can you believe in a God when he has allowed you to suffer so much.

My response had to do with the fact that I have digged deeper into my soul then anybody should ever have to, I have helped more then one person along my path, and more then one great person has helped me along my path. In the end, in my opinion, I think I will be in a more comfortable place, I will know myself better then I would ever have, had I not been abused. Perhaps that is Gods place for me.

I come on here and I read about all sorts of success story's from people like Trucker, and Pufferfish, and Joel, and a ton of other survivors and that gives me hope. Even though they had to suffer unspeakable abuses they have helped me and a thousand others in their journeys and I hope to do the same one day. Perhaps that is Gods plan for us seemingly forgotten.

That is how I believe in God and that is how I get from one day to the next. Don't get me wrong sometimes I need to repeat it over and over to convince myself of that, but that is the foundation of my faith.

I've mentioned this before and I really think that your son is going to trust you and love you 100 times more because you have proven, without a doubt, that you will be there for him when the times are bad and when the times are good.

I really don't know if that helps, but that is how I believe in God.
Riley


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#288331 - 05/21/09 07:35 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Riley]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Didi,
God did not ever promise to keep us out of trouble, anguish, pain, terror, suffering of any sort. This is the nature of human existance. It rains on the just and the unjust equally.

What he did promise and cannot lie about is that he would be there with us as we go through the terror pain, trauma etc. and I have a lot of etc. to catalogue.

I can attest to the fact that he has been there for me. He is not unfimiliar with suffering, betrayal, falshood, and the suffering of innocence for no reason. He is working on a bigger plan and asks me simply to trust him that he knows my fear, my pain, my terror, my shame etc. and is going to take care of me and be with me through whatever life brings good, bad or horrible.

He is interested in my soul and my body is expendable in this process not that that he is unfeeling but he has a different agenda than just making me comfortable. He wants to make me into a better person not just a happier person.

It is not an agenda I would have chosen but it is what it is and who can argue with God.

Juat a thought.

R



Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/09 07:37 PM)

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#288342 - 05/21/09 08:16 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Freedom49]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
I would like to thank every one of you for your input on this.
I suppose that time may heal my way of thinking, however, I am deeply troubled when it comes to my religious beliefs at this time.

Every time I witness the children have a trigger or flashback, see the learning problems my son is trying so hard to overcome,the vision issues and more,I feel as though It chips away at my soul.

Take care,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#288350 - 05/21/09 08:45 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Didi, with your love and guidance and belief in him , he'll heal. i've not followed every post of yours but intermittently read- hopefully you were able to find the right sort of T for him and aren't taking this all on yourself. Unfortunately F& Fs can't take the place of Ts , just like T's can't take the place of F & F-
Know that you're his light, that he has the wonderful gift of belief and support right when it's MOST powerful- in earliest child right after the trauma- that's huge. the mismessages aren't established patterns for him yet- he doesn't have the years to undo that you hear from so many of the survivors on the board,
your guilt and dismay will be felt by him- I pray you too have found the support you deserve in a T. You're a victim in this too and you can't give healing where you haven't healed yourself as secondary victim. and I want you to be secondary Survivor, Secondary Thriver.

Please be gentler on yourself and know you deserve all the support you strive to give. you may have alrady read "When your child is molested" . it's a little old but basically sound . i discovered it at the library to my surprise. (in the parenting section). Many thoughts and hopes for your feeling more peace and thus being able to provide it the way you want to too, With great admiration for you, An


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#288352 - 05/21/09 08:52 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: An]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
and a ps. You probably know anger is one of the first stages of grief. so you're right where you should be. If God is the God you'e believed in, your anger would be understood compassionately and respectfully put in human terms. it's healthy to feel anger now. so don't beat yourself up over that , it's a downhill spiral. i guess i can't say enjoy your anger, but perhaps you can give up any judgement about it. e.g. not feel you have to justify it. Just thoughts and feelings that come to this post but just take whats useful from it and leave the rest behind (guiltlessly smile Peace to you, An


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#288411 - 05/22/09 06:30 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: An]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello An,

My son has been in Therapy since this happened, a little over a year now. I also have private therapy with his Therapist.

I suppose you are right about the anger issue right now. Maybe once I get past that a whole new world will open up for us.

Thank You!

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#288441 - 05/22/09 10:34 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Didi,

I am glad you are getting him some help. Children are very resilient. They are like wet cement that dries as they get older.

An incident like this can leave a huge gaping gouge in their life. If you catch it early and trowl it out with love and validate their feelings it can makd a bid difference.

Not minimizing but not overreacting like it is something that has now damaged them to the point were then are no longer as good as everyone else. Then while that is still mallable you can smooth out the bumps and fill in the crack and they can be ok.

Maybe you will be able to still see the scar, but if done early and well while it is still wet, then perhaps no one else will be able to tell and they can harden in a healthy productive happy way. Getting to them when they are 5 instead of 50 makes a big difference. Just a thought.

R


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#288446 - 05/22/09 11:33 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Freedom49]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1123
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#288447 - 05/22/09 11:45 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Freedom49]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Hi Didi,
Early on in my recovery I spent a while being angry at God and feeling that he had let me down. He didn't. I used to read my Bible and the tears would fall like raindrops on the pages as I read and prayed. I would go to receive the Blessed Sacrament and return to my pew and the tears rolled because my Jesus was present offering healing grace. Go look at the cross and ask him where he was when your Son was being molested. In His passion (sufferings) he has joined all humanity in our suffering. In His resurrection and ascension to the throne of heaven he goes before God the Father and there he intercedes for each one of us. When your son was being molested our Lord Jesus was beholding that atrocity and crying out for your son before God the Father.

Because of my painful experiences and healing I prepared myself to walk the shadows of life searching out devestated souls. I find them and companion them offering hope and courage. I find them alone and stay with them until they have a support network established. Could I do this if I had not experienced similar anguish? Now I know why God let this happen to me. Ive been there and can relate.

Click the link to a video I found:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JK6v7pXlGQM&feature=related

Peace,
Shadow+Walker

_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

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#288449 - 05/22/09 12:41 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Shadow+Walker]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello!


Between you and Joel, I do not know who makes me cry more! :/LOL

Thank you for your wise words, I appreciate it and eveyone here at MS.

Have a great weekend everyone!

XOXO

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#288544 - 05/23/09 01:59 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi everyone in pain & confusion.

Take it from this old Catholic boy. We sure do have our doubts about God. I was taken into a Catholic orphanage/home. Where I was safe.

But I have made 2 posts about my feelings toward that (missing) God.

I invite you to read Trusting God No Longer & Gods answer to Little Pete & big Pete.

But right here, right now I can tell you that I've found him, or maybe he found me, last weekend at a WOR in Georgia.

I had asked HIM for help in finding a lost boy. Yep, me the very person whom had denounced him.

As of right now I cannot fully explain on how he gave little Peter back to me.

I always remember ASKING for HIM & HIS MOTHER to please protect this young boy from harm. (I thought it never happened) again see my post Gods answer to the 2 Peters.

Maybe it's time for this lost boy, now a man to get down on his knees and THANK HIM for SOMETHING.

That's my take.

Heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)



Edited by petercorbett (05/23/09 02:00 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#288638 - 05/23/09 10:37 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: petercorbett]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Didi,

It is difficult for me to write these words. I am so deeply respectful of all the men and families and friends whose faith is part of healing. As an atheist, mine is the minority prespective and I acknowledge that. Nothing I write here is intended to offend any person of faith or to deliberately shake anyone's beliefs. I am simply offering a different perspective in answer to your question, "how do you believe in God after CSA?"

I have never believed in God. I am a confident and secure secular humanist. Therefore, I know it is possible to achieve healing without a theist faith of any kind. I only say this in case you might be feeling that reclaiming your faith is a necessary prerequisite to healing. If, in your journey, you decide that your faith in God is irrevocably lost, healing is still possible.

The question of how evil persists in a world presided over by a deity is a very old one. Epicurus (341-270 BC) posited a very powerful set of questions. Although a pre-Christian philosopher, his questions were applied to the Christian God by many 18th and 19th century thinkers.

If God is willing but not able to eliminate evil, then he is not omnipotent.
If God is able but not willing to eliminate evil, then he is malevolent.
If God is both able and willing to eliminate evil, then why does evil persist?
If God is neither able not willing to eliminate evil, then why call him God?

For me, Epicurus's old questions remain unanswered. I hope that whatever answers you arrive at for yourself bring you peace of mind and stength.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#288656 - 05/24/09 01:02 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: cstjude]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
God create us in his image. He did not create us to be puppets on a string to do only as he willed for us to do. He gave every person born the right to choose right or wrong. So why do we feel the need to blame God for the decision and actions for what we or others choose to do in our lives.
Are we not responsible for our own actions?
Do we blame parents for the actions of their adult children?

There was a time when I was angry with God for allowing me to be born into a family. Where I had to suffer at the hands of those who supposely loved me. And allowing me to fall into the hands of Mr Candell who used me solely your his own gratification.

But today I believe that what I have suffered in my life were lessons so that one day. I could reach out and help those whom have suffered the same things that I have. To let them know that they are not alone and that there is hope and healing for what we have suffered.

I heard once that the love you are capable of feeling is in direct proportion to the pain you have suffered.

In the new testament Jesus teachs "To love your neighbor as yourself". If we all did this there would be no evil in the world. Because evil resides in each and everyone one of us and shows itself in pride,envy,anger,resentment,lust,greed etc.

God was/is not responsible for the abuse that I suffered as a child,my parents and Mr Candell are.

God gave me the strenght and courage to survive and then to heal.

When I was unable to walk. God carried me.

These are just my views and beliefs.

Mike



_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#288664 - 05/24/09 08:18 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: michael banks]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Some thoughts....

If you examine it closely you will see that it is not exactly a evenly matched yin and yang like many would have us believe or that Evil is stronger and is winning. Evil simply plays by different rules because its goals are different. Good is the true nature of the universe.


Evil is parasitic by it's very nature. It cannot exist on it's own. Any evil you can name is simply a perversion of something inherently good. Good is the true nature of the universe.

Evil is an attempt to kill, steal and destroy that good like a spiteful child who if he cannot have a toy will break it so no one will have it.

Underlying all of creation is good that has been corrupted. Things will be put right eventually but time must run its course and the great dance must be completed.

I do not understand all the steps. The melody sometimes escapes me too but I can see meaning if I look close enough. It is not hidden. I am just not wise enough to see it all.

Roger



Edited by Freedom49 (05/24/09 08:30 AM)

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#288673 - 05/24/09 10:49 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Freedom49]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello Roger!

I tried to explain what you said to my son and he surprized me with his answer! I did not realize that he was actually "getting" what I was trying to say to him. This was his answer...

Oh I know Mama! Just like Anikon was good and he went over to the Dark Side and became Darth Vador...
Take care,

Didi



Edited by didi (05/24/09 10:50 AM)
_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#288676 - 05/24/09 11:48 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Didi,
That's good, yeah sometimes pop culture gets it right. Every now and then some movie maker hits close enough to the truth that kids get it. That is why we guide the viewing of such.

Roger


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#288911 - 05/26/09 11:54 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
Didi ,
I'm with you when, my mom died I thought I'd found "spirituality" I prayed for her release and thanked god for my blessings and for giving me the strength to do the things I've done. But when my husband finally revealed his abouse it dawned so heavily on me...yes adults make decisions that go aginst what god wants for us but of all the creatures to be protected in this world why does he not step in and save these children who may or may not have an adult looking out for them? All things happen for a reason usually there's a lesson...what lesson is learned by any party involved in these types of situations? My faith has slipped drastically......


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#288917 - 05/26/09 12:20 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: here4him]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Believe me, I here you! I always ask myself "Why couldn't this have happened to me?", not a FOUR YEAR OLD!

I suppose that time will tell. My Son believes in God, he says his prayers, I wont take that away from him.

Take care,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#288933 - 05/26/09 03:00 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: cstjude]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Originally Posted By: cstjude
Didi,

It is difficult for me to write these words. I am so deeply respectful of all the men and families and friends whose faith is part of healing. As an atheist, mine is the minority prespective and I acknowledge that. Nothing I write here is intended to offend any person of faith or to deliberately shake anyone's beliefs. I am simply offering a different perspective in answer to your question, "how do you believe in God after CSA?"

I have never believed in God. I am a confident and secure secular humanist. Therefore, I know it is possible to achieve healing without a theist faith of any kind. I only say this in case you might be feeling that reclaiming your faith is a necessary prerequisite to healing. If, in your journey, you decide that your faith in God is irrevocably lost, healing is still possible.

The question of how evil persists in a world presided over by a deity is a very old one. Epicurus (341-270 BC) posited a very powerful set of questions. Although a pre-Christian philosopher, his questions were applied to the Christian God by many 18th and 19th century thinkers.

If God is willing but not able to eliminate evil, then he is not omnipotent.
If God is able but not willing to eliminate evil, then he is malevolent.
If God is both able and willing to eliminate evil, then why does evil persist?
If God is neither able not willing to eliminate evil, then why call him God?

For me, Epicurus's old questions remain unanswered. I hope that whatever answers you arrive at for yourself bring you peace of mind and stength.

C.
Jude, I come from a similar perspective and I know about the balancing act around Christian friends. While I fully acknowledge that faith can be a powerful healing instrument for many people, I find my strength in rationality.


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#288934 - 05/26/09 03:02 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Didi,

I am in no position to counsel any parent about what to teach their child respecting a belief in God. Your son has a tremendous support in you - a loving and involved mother. If you feel a belief in God is important for his well-being, then you know best. His recovery is all-important and I believe that as he grows older his abilities to question, reason, ponder, and experience all perspectives (believing and non-believing) have the potential to contribute as much to his recovery as a belief in God.

With respect for your beliefs and your love for your son,

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#288935 - 05/26/09 03:09 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: InsideTheWall]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Thank you. I find that my atheism leads me - perhaps ironically - to the same concerns as my believing friends. When you decide for yourself that this life is all there is, then it becomes intolerable that anyone's life is touched by pain, abuse, or neglect. For me, the atheist perspective awakened a fundamental love of life and of this world and all my fellow travellers. I recall a Galilean carpenter saying much the same thing about loving neighbours and the like... smile

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#288938 - 05/26/09 03:40 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: cstjude]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Originally Posted By: cstjude
Thank you. I find that my atheism leads me - perhaps ironically - to the same concerns as my believing friends.
I've found that in life too. I've had conservative Christians as friends and don't mind meeting more. The man I look up to most, Booker T Washington, was a Christian.

Originally Posted By: cstjude
When you decide for yourself that this life is all there is, then it becomes intolerable that anyone's life is touched by pain, abuse, or neglect.
Not expecting a second life is a powerful motivator for me, and here I'm only going to get so many second chances. To meet someone here with such an unabashedly secular perspective is very uplifting to me, even if I will always be polite to Christians. We know the drill. grin


Originally Posted By: cstjude
For me, the atheist perspective awakened a fundamental love of life and of this world and all my fellow travellers. I recall a Galilean carpenter saying much the same thing about loving neighbours and the like... smile

C.
There's many sources for that kind of stuff, but we should talk about them over time instead if hijacking this thread. We'll talk though.


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#288939 - 05/26/09 03:45 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: cstjude]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Anonymous & cstjude,

Jude, I come from a similar perspective and I know about the balancing act around Christian friends. While I fully acknowledge that faith can be a powerful healing instrument for many people, I find my strength in rationality

At this point in my life I completely agree with this.
I am my child's best advocate! If I am here for him doing the research night after night, taking him to therapy, buying the healing books, keeping his mind busy with sports, questioning The Prosecutors Office, LISTENING to him, questioning the Dr's and so on, THAT is all my reality and THAT gives me strength.

No one else is going to do it for me. I always say "If you are looking for a helping hand, look at the end of your arm!"

Take care,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#288942 - 05/26/09 04:01 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
I'm glad I spoke up. grin


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#288943 - 05/26/09 04:07 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: InsideTheWall]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Me too. Feel free anyone to PM on these topics or to start a new thread. But Anon is right, the conversation can continue outside Didi's thread.

Thanks for your patience Didi! And you are your child's best chance for recovery! You go girl.

C.

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C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#289297 - 05/28/09 08:21 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Freedom49]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
I love that analogy about wet cement, it makes sense.

I read all of the literature about helping them when they are young and how it makes a big difference, however, it is tough sometimes. It is like I dont see the lights at the end of the tunnel for him and it makes me REALLY depressed.

I am trying to do and say all of the correct things, but just watching him go through this is beyond words. He looks to me for the answers but who on earth has the answers as to why this happens? Trust me, I am VERY strong for him, in front of him.I never let him see what this is doing to me, that would be harmful for sure.

Thanks for listening....

Take care,

Didi

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Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#289324 - 05/29/09 12:51 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Didi,
you are doing all the right things for him. Right now he need a rock to anchor to in the midst of all of this and that rock has to be you. It will take a lot of time but you will see results. Don't allow that cement to harden with that terrible gouge of mistrust, betrayal, and pain in it. Teach him that he can trust you, you will not betray him and you will not hurt him.

Yes there are bad people in the world who do bad things. There are slso wonderful people in the world who help people that bad things have happened to. Teach him to trust his gut and his instincts. If something, someone, or some situation FEELS unsaafe, then it just might be and you need to right now and find you safe adult friends. Teach him to trust himself and to trust you. That alone will heal a great deal.

Roger


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#289343 - 05/29/09 06:49 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Freedom49]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Roger,

You are right. I should really look back and see how far he has come since this happened. Sure, he has his set backs; however, they are NEW set backs. The old ones come less and less and with less potency(if that made any sense)

When he first disclosed he was scared all of the time and of everything. He trusts me, he trusts his therapist and he is opening up more as well.

Thank you for your response!

Take care,
Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#289345 - 05/29/09 07:53 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Didi,

Also Be sure to talk with his T and give him/her feedback on his behavior and his verbalization. There are core needs and issues with this kind of thing that if addressed will take care of some symptoms. Triggers will occur there is no getting around that but if the core fears and issues are addressed in a consistant way then you will see a less intense response to the triggers as time goes on.

Fear, sadness, anger, confusion these are all things core issues. He is six and helpless and totally dependant on adults right now and adult/adults let him down big time. He has you, however, and you have not let him down. You have fought for him to protect him. His feeling that you will be taken away or that something will happen and you can't be there for him is a natural insecurity that many kids have normally from time to time. It is exacerbated by his experience but gentle reasurrance will counter that and if he does not sense amy fear or urgency in you, that will translate to him too eventually. He has a really good mom. He will understand that and really appreciate that especially when he gets older.



Edited by Freedom49 (05/29/09 07:56 AM)

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#289370 - 05/29/09 11:43 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Freedom49]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 123
Loc: Australia
Hi Didi,

I have battled with question long and hard. For what its worth let me tell you how I have come to a place of quietude with God on the matter of Him "allowing" me to violated over a period of 3 years from 9 - 12.

One of my favourite passages of>
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I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#289388 - 05/29/09 02:11 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: expom]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello Expom

Thank You for your kind words, I do appreciate them.

It is now my responsibility to get myself to the point where what happened to me is no longer an excuse for the way that I behave or how I react to painful triggers and memories. I am getting there, one painful day at a time.

That is what my son is working on in therapy right now.It is a long painful road for sure, but we are not giving up! We are working through it day by day.


Maybe some day I will have faith in religion again, I am just really angry/sad right now. I do not take religion away from my son and he does believe that it is a miracle that he and his cousin are not dead right now...

Take care,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#289549 - 05/30/09 07:55 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
Anna1988 Offline


Registered: 05/29/09
Posts: 30
Didi,

I did not read all of the posts from others because there are so many. There are a number of people I know who have been sexually abused, including my fiance and myself. To believe in God is not easy.

Something that helps (sometimes) is something I heard in one of my college classes. God is infinite and finite. He is infinite in that He can create and love anything or everything. He is finite in that he cannot control human actions.

While I believe God in infinite in all ways I believe the ability to choose evil is in the human race for a reason. That is, without the ability to choose evil freely one looses the ability to love freely. Sort of like a "free will" thing I have heard on other sites and HATE.

Doubt helps a person to grow. Without doubt we would never explore what we have been taught. Take this dry time to learn all you can to try and answer your questions and it might help.

Good luck.


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#289552 - 05/30/09 08:04 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: Anna1988]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Anna,

Doubt helps a person to grow. Without doubt we would never explore what we have been taught. Take this dry time to learn all you can to try and answer your questions and it might help

Thank you for writing this, it really makes sense!

Take care,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#289613 - 05/30/09 11:52 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: didi]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
This is admittedly coming from a minority secular perspective, but I really don't see how CSA and belief in a higher power have much to do with each other. I mean, I can see why belief in such things could lead to some serious questions about why this happened to you, but as a non-believer, I think dwelling on it is a complete waste of time. It happened because you were vulnerable, and thats it. Its really no more complicated than that; There's no deeper meaning to be found here. The important thing is what you do about it here and now.



Edited by Anonymous (05/30/09 11:55 PM)

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#289743 - 06/01/09 01:30 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: InsideTheWall]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I agree that there is a reason why these terrible things happen, and that is because some human beings are predators and good ones. They give all the appearance of safety but are, in fact, waiting for the opportunity to strike.

Like Anna, I encourage the exploration of doubt. Like Anon, I agree that a search for a higher significance may ultimately distract from the here and now.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#289748 - 06/01/09 02:06 AM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: cstjude]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Anon,

For me It not until that I found my relationship with a God of my own understanding. That any real growth or healing took place in my life.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#290157 - 06/03/09 10:51 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: michael banks]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
I'm sorry if my wording was a bit sharp for your tastes Michael. It wasn't meant as an insult to your faith or anyone elses.



Edited by Anonymous (06/03/09 11:15 PM)

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#290306 - 06/04/09 07:38 PM Re: How do you believe in God after CSA??????????????? [Re: InsideTheWall]
Anna1988 Offline


Registered: 05/29/09
Posts: 30
Basically, everyone has to make their own decisions on God etc. It makes things even more confusing when dealing with SA.


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