Newest Members
BCtejas, JHNebraska, mike42069, JACKL, Personman
12491 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
mrwhiskers (25), SouthernLaw (41), TerryT (61)
Who's Online
3 registered (lapchinj, bluesky, 1 invisible), 15 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12491 Members
74 Forums
64158 Topics
447723 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#282098 - 04/03/09 01:00 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 10:56 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

Top
#282247 - 04/04/09 05:44 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Juni]
coaster Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
What is a "spider"? (under Who's On-Line)


Top
#282249 - 04/04/09 05:46 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: coaster
What is a "spider"? (under Who's On-Line)


Bot search engines (Google, Yahoo, MSN, etc.) that crawl the internet indexing pages for their searches.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#282349 - 04/05/09 12:59 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: EGL]
coaster Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
Hi myboyhoodfears, I've been crying here a lot knowing there are other guys who understand exactly what the sadness is. thanks so much for speaking.

Coaster


Top
#282621 - 04/07/09 01:15 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
This is a good thread. I have not had any same-sex activities other than what happened between me and a peer (where I was violated. I have a hard time calling it abuse but that's all semantics anyway; It wasn't right that much I know.) My physical relations with women have been a mixed bag. Some were healthier than others, but looking back I realize that I have not been able to keep any around. I can see that I was not able to be close and intimate enough. Can't imagine where the fear of that came from.

Anyway, as I am starting to really face things and grow I feel like I am more capable of opening up. At some point I have to start taking chances. Problem for me is that there is a lot of stuff from my past I don't know how to address, especially in the context of a relationship. There is good advice here and this is definitely a good thread.

Eric


Top
#282736 - 04/08/09 07:57 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 10:53 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

Top
#282747 - 04/08/09 08:44 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Dan,

Loved your post and how rapidly you are moving towards discovering some aspects of who you are that has been hidden for so long. As you continue on this pathway your love and acceptance of self will grow as well.

Understanding you and who you are and want is such a life changing event. Counselors needed to help me separate what happened to me from who I am as a person. Once that began to occur, I found it so much easier to love me and for others, both male and female, to do the same.

Your allowing yourself the freedom to decide who yu are and what you want and not letting the past define you. Such a good thing. I admire your courage and desire for change.

Now is the time to really think about what you do want for yourself and put your focus there because miracles do happen, nothing is impossible.

The best for you,

Ron


Top
#282929 - 04/09/09 01:48 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Freedom49]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Freedom49
No details. A woman does not want those pictures in her head about you. General stuff is good but also tell her about your growth and progress to becoming a man. I think that would help. I would do this when you sense that she is becoming serious and thinking about spending the rest of her life with you.

I agree that is good advice, that is the last thing she needs, those pictures in her mind, but to have her understanding of the issues is important, and for you to share your progress.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
#287863 - 05/17/09 09:08 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Juni]
Justdealing Offline


Registered: 04/19/09
Posts: 23
coaster,
i am new at all this but what i can say is i understand what you went and are going through. I went through a time when I thought I was gay but after a few "gay" situations, i quickly learned that it was not for me. My body was telling me I was, but my brain and heart were yelling NO! I felt ashamed and dirty. Now, I am married and I love my wife more than anything, and when I told her what I did, we did not talk for days. She finally accepted it for what it was, and i did not have to go into detail. Just remember, be prepared to tell the truth when asked. I didnt,at first, and it did more harm then anything.

justdealing


Top
#288058 - 05/19/09 11:49 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Justdealing]
the sol survivor Offline


Registered: 02/27/09
Posts: 9
Loc: atl, ky, tn, & ny
****potentially triggering*****

MAYBE THIS CAN HELP SOMEONE..........

WHEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT GETTING HELP........ MY OMTHER KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME BUT DID NOT KNOW WHAT....... SHE WOULD OFTEN CALL ND ASK ME IF I WAS GAY....... IF I WAS IT WAS OK BLA BLA LBA............ IT WAS KIND OF ANNOYING GETTING THAT PHONE CALL VERY 3 WEEKS............. SO I

MY ABUSE STARTED AROUND 2 AND CONTINUED OFF AND ON UNTIL ABOUT THE 6TH GRADE. 2 BABY SITTERS AND A PRIEST....... ALL OF MY ABUSE WAS FOCUSED ON MY PENIS........ THE FIRST BABYSITTER WOULD ALWAYS PREFORM ORAL SEX ON ME ONE DAY HE TRIED TO GET ME TO DO IT TOO HIM...........I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THAT BUT IM SURE SOMEONE NEEDS TOO HEAR/READ IT........... THE SECOND GUYWHO LIVED DOWN THE HALL WAS THE STEP FATHER OF MY BEST FRIEND ( HE STILL WORKS WITH KIDS) HE WOULD ALWAYS FIND SOME KIND OF WAY TO GRIND ON ME...... THEN THE PRIEST JUST LIKED TO LOOK AT ME..... ANYWAY...............
DURING MY THERAPY SESSION THAT TOOK PLACE IN A RAPE CRISIS CENTER ( CANT KNOCK IT.... CAUSE THATS WHERE GOD SENT ME, BUT A RAPE CENTER IS NOT EQUIPPED TO TREAT MEN WHO WERE MOLESTED...... THE STAFF WAS ALL WOMEN..... WHY WOULD A RAPE CRISIS CENTER EMPLOY A MALE THERAPIST??????????? IT WAS ON THE 13TH FLOOR...... THEY BUZZ YOU IN AND OUT! YOU SAY THE WRONG THING AND THEY KEEP YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREADY HOSPITAL IN ATLANTA IS A CRAZY PLACE) THE LADY WAS BLACK SO THAT WAS A PLUSE ...BUT I WAS STILL A LITTLE EMBARRASSED TO TELL HER BUT SHE MADE ME FEEL AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE....... SHE SUGGESTED THAT I LET MY LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND IN ON MY STORY....... I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GREAT WAY TO EXPLAIN A LOT OF THE THINGS THAT I'VE DONE OR WHY I MIGHT HAVE DONE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT IVE DONE.... NOT TOO USE MY MOLESTATION AS AN EXCUSE BUT AS A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR....... SHE GAVE ME THREE BOOKLETS TO GIVE HER TO READ.................. SHE IS AN AVID READER............. BOOK CLUBS AND THE WHOLE 9........... SHE NEVER READ THE STUFF................ FOR MONTHS I ASKED HER IF SHE GOT TOO IT SHE WOULD ALWAYS BLOW ME OFF OR TELL ME THAT SHE WAS GONNA DO IT........ ONE DAY I WAS CLEANING UP AND I FOUND THEM UNDER A PILE OF MAIL THAT WAS NEVER OPENED........... IT REALLY HURT ME TO KNOW THAT SHE NEVER BOTHERED, SHE ACTED LIKE SHE DIDN'T KNOW , SHE REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT..... TO ME IT FELT LIKE A HUGE REJECTION...... AFTER THAT I WITHDREW AND STARTED CHEATING ON HER AGAIN.......... AS A HAIR STYLIST, MASTER BARBER, EYEBROW & MAKE UP ARTIST I'VE ALWAYS HAD AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF ACCESS TO WOMEN....... WOMEN THAT SEEMED TO KNOW HOW TO ACCOMMODATE MY EXTRA SEXUAL SITUATIONS... I THINK THE SEX THAT I HAD DURING THIS TIME IN MY LIFE WAS ME ACTING OUT OR RELIVING MY ABUSE .... BUT WITH WOMEN.......... THERE WAS A POINT IN TIME WHERE I THINK I HATED MYSELF BECAUSE OF MY STRUGGLE WITH THE FEELING / SENSATION ASSOCIATED WITH THE ORAL SEX THAT MY FIRST ABUSER (VINCENT SHEPPARD, BX,NY CO-OP CITY) WOULD ALWAYS PREFORM ON ME...... MY STRUGGLE WAS ... IT FELT GOOD BUT I KNEW IT WAS WRONG......SO DO I LIKE THAT FEELING SO MUCH THAT I WANT IT FROM A MAN?????????? BUT I'M NOT GAY!!!!!!!!!! OR BI!!!!!!!!!!!!THE MAN WHO LIKED HAVING MY PENIS IN HIS MOUTH IS GAY!!!!!!!! IF IM NOT GAY THEN WHY DID I LIKE IT????????? WHY DID I GET AN ERECTION???????........ THE ANSWER IS IT FELT GOOD BECAUSE .....IF SOMEBODY PUTS THEIR MOUTH ON YOUR PENIS AND SUCKS ON IT ............ ITS GONNA FEEL GOOD AND IT WILL CAUSE IT TO BECOME ERECT... THATS HOW ITS MADE! I FEEL LIKE WE ALL MUST MAKE A CHOICE ON WEATHER OR NOT WE GIVE IN TO THAT SPIRIT / FEELING/ DESIRE TO CONTINUE TO SEEK OUT, THAT POINT OF REFERENCE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE AFTER WE ARE ABLE TO REALIZE WHATS RIGHT AND WHATS WRONG! THERE ARE A LOT OF AFRICAN AMERICAN MEN IN PARTICULAR THAT STRUGGLE WITH THIS ISSUE BECAUSE THERE IS NO SPACE IN THE AFRICAN AMERICAN COMMUNITY TO ADDRESS THE ISSUES OF MALE SEXUAL ABUSE. MEN ARE STRUGGLING WITH THE NEED OR DESIRE TO BE WITH ANOTHER MAN SIMPLY BECAUSE THAT WAS THEIR INTRODUCTION TO SEX.... HIS MOLESTER IS THE ONE WHO TOOK HIS VIRGINITY...... JUST LIKE ME........ I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THAT UNTIL A FEW WEEKS AGO.....
THERE IS ALWAYS THE QUESTIONING OF YOURSELF AND YOUR MASCULINITY TO THE POINT WHERE YOU BEGIN TO DO THINGS TO OVER COMPENSATE FOR YOUR LOW PERCEPTION OF YOUR SELF... I.E. EXCESSIVE SEXUAL PARTNERS, RELATIONSHIPS WITH LIMITED LIFE SPANS/ EXPECTATIONS / LACK OF EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY.... ( MOST BLACK MEN ARE TAUGHT AT AN EARLY AGE NOT TO DISPLAY EMOTIONS, EMOTIONS + WEAKNESS, FEELINGS ARE FOR WOMEN; SO TO DO SO WOULD MAKE YOU A SOCIAL OUT CAST WITH IN THE COMMUNITY........ STRUGGLING WITH A HISTORY OF BROKEN HOMES FOSTERED BY SLAVERY & THE WELFARE SYSTEM CONTRIBUTING TO THE DESTRUCTION OF THE FABRIC OF THE AFRICAN AMERICAN HOME BY PROVIDING ASSISTANCE THAT COVERS COLLEGE TUITON, MED/DENTAL/VISION HEALTH PLANS, GAS CARDS, FOOD, & CAR REPAIR MONEY, AS LONG AS NO MAN/PARENT LIVE IN THE HOME....... COMPOUNDED BY THE NEGATIVE IMAGES AND PERCEPTIONS PRESENTED TO OUR COMMUNITY AND OTHERS...... SO WHEN WOMEN FIND WHAT THEY BELIEVE TO BE GOOD MEN , A MANS MAN................................ WITH THIS TYPE OF BAGGAGE CAN SHATTER THE PERCEPTION SHE HAS / HAD OF YOU AS MAN AND THEN BEGIN TO QUESTION YOUR ABILITY TO BE A MASCULINE MAN... IF SHE EVEN ACKNOWLEDGES IT , AND ON A POSITIVE WAY.........



Edited by ModTeam (05/19/09 12:49 PM)
Edit Reason: add trigger warning

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.