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#287361 - 05/13/09 04:22 PM Desperately seeking advice
m_robert Offline


Registered: 05/13/09
Posts: 4
I don't know what to do so I am trying to find some answers, and really hoping someone can lead me in the right direction. Maybe I am way off on this thinking that something happened to my boyfriend but I just think there is a problem with our sex life. I am wondering if something happened maybe he was molested as a child. I am sure if something did happen he wouldn't want to come right out and admit it either. My boyfriend is older and a cop, we have been dating for 2 years and our sex life just doesn't seem normal, he loves me and shows me in different ways but our sex life seems to be lacking. My boyfriend was raised in CA and went to Catholic school until college. He says he didn't lose his virginity until he was 18 or 19 because he was clueless, which is all fine but I still think something happened to disrupt his sexual ideas and nature. As we have been dating I have tried to talk to him about sex and our sex life but he either gets perturbed or annoyed and wants to find away not to talk about it. He likes his privacy but he seems to be opening up a little more to the idea of sharing his personal belongings with me which took a lot of time and patience. He wants us to move in together and has even mentioned wanting us to have a baby, he has no children and I have two children (a 9 year old girl and a 10 year old boy) from a previous marriage, and he is great with my kids.
From the first time we had sex things were different, he only wanted to perform oral sex on me, he refused to have intercourse, he actually made that a condition the first night. When we finally did try to have sex he would lose his erection and say he was nervous, which I was fine with. Later I thought maybe he was embarrassed because I found out he is a little on the petite side. I finally figured out how to help him overcome his nervousness, but our sex life is still lacking.
He doesn't like a lot of things regarding sex and just doesn't seem interested, we only have sex about once a week and I would much rather a more active sex life. When we do have sex its always in the same place and the same position with very little variation. I usually have to initiate the fun if we get to have any, I am the one that wants to try this or that. He never wants to try something new or just play, he is not creative no matter what I ask or try to bring up or in the bedroom, for the most part he seems bored. I have tried lingerie but it seems to go unnoticed or walking around him nude and still not much of a notice unless he is in the mood, it's like he goes out of his way so he won't like sex or really be considered a sexual person. He talks about his past as though he did all these things but he actions speaks louder than words. He seems to need to brag about what all he has done in his past with many lovers or threesomes but from what I can see, I find it very hard to believe. If he makes a few comments that could be considered as sexual it's brief and quickly dies out of him. I am open minded in a lot of ways, I don't do the threesomes thing but I don't criticize. He has mentioned it to me but then always says he is teasing just to make me react.
He doesn't go out and about so I am not too worried about an affair but the way he is seems unusual. I have mentioned pornography and still uninterested, he actually says what's the point. We accidentally ran into something on tv once and he had no interest in it at all. He does not look up sex on the internet from what I can tell. I have tried to talk dirty to him and he doesn't participate. He still has a problem for the most part about being nude in front of me and tries to hide himself most of the time. If I touch him when he is not in the mood, it seems he is bothered by the touching, as if he doesn't like to be touched sexually and I am just playing with him (no pun intended). When he is dead asleep and I touch him near his waste or hips he will turn his body away. If I flirt with him via text or talking again I am being perverted. He thinks masturbation is perverted, he refuses to touch himself and thinks using a vibrator is again perverted. He was married at a very young age before but the marriage was annulled about 8 months later. He was constantly cheating on the females he dated, he said he never wanted to take the relationship seriously. We were friends before we dated and he said he wanted to change his lifestyle with the cheating. The next woman he dated, he would be honest and faithful, I had no idea that woman would be me.
I have asked if I satisfy him and he says yes and of course he would say that but I can't seem to reach him sexually. I have asked a few people around about his behavior, most are confused, a few men say maybe he is a closet homosexual and two women have mentioned maybe he was abused. He is not homophobic and considering he comes from California I would think he would feel more secure to admit if he were gay. Even if he were gay and wanted to secretly enjoy the lifestyle and keep females around so he could pretend he was not homosexual, then wouldn't that be preferred so he could enjoy the sex he likes? I have tried to see if he would be interested in me playing around his anal area but I won't go further than briefly touching him, he doesn't seem interested. We tried anal sex once with me, and again he didn't have much interest in it. He says he likes the taste of women, and he is always willing to perform oral sex so I do know he must enjoy that part of sex. I found out he had username to an alternate lifestyle forum. It said he was into ts/tv/tg, but the women that show he would be interested in are women no doubt. I have no idea if that was a curiousity thing or if he was actually into that sort of thing. At lease since we have been dating he has not participated in that forum or logged in for that matter. He has never shown any interest in anything abnormal or even a hint of wanting to try something new to bring me in that I know of or could tell.
I know better than to ask, but how can I tell if there was something from his childhood that holds him back as an adult? If it's not sexual abuse as a child is there something maybe he is into but embarrassed to tell me? I am truly confused.
I am sorry I carried on so long but this has been just been bottled up inside me and I just don't know what to think. I have tried talking to him but as I stated he's very private and doesn't like talking about serious issues regarding this, he always finds ways to not talk about it, even if he has to make jokes to side track the conversation.




Edited by m_robert (05/13/09 06:51 PM)

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#287368 - 05/13/09 05:06 PM Re: Desperatly seeking advice [Re: m_robert]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
What has led you to believe he has been abused?

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#287371 - 05/13/09 05:13 PM Re: Desperatly seeking advice [Re: m_robert]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Only once a week? that seems quite alot to me, although then i have never been in that kind of sexual relationship so i don't know. Are you sure he just isn't all that into sex? Maybe sex just isn't all that intersting for him. Who knows. I think assuming he was abused is a bit of a leap. He could just be a reserved kind of guy.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#287372 - 05/13/09 05:34 PM Re: Desperatly seeking advice [Re: kolisha54]
m_robert Offline


Registered: 05/13/09
Posts: 4
His sexual behavior seems unusual and peculiar. I have asked others to figure something out and they are confused on his lack of normal behavior. I have been told he is either gay and in the closet or has been abused, but something is definately not right. I understand how females react to abuse but I am not familiar with the reaction of grown men.


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#287395 - 05/13/09 07:46 PM Re: Desperatly seeking advice [Re: m_robert]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
no no no, they are not the only two choices, it IS possible to have a guy who doesn't just think with his dick you know, you are falling for all these stupid stereotypes that is half of the problem in society today. I'm not saying it is not possible that he is gay or has been abused or both, but come on, you must at least admit the possibility that not all guys fit into this black and white stereotypical picture where he needs to have sex every day to feel big. There are other things in the world you know, what ever happened to having a night in with a cup of hot chocolate and a good film. You know your boyfriend so maybe you are right, maybe he is gay? maybe he doesn't find you sexually attractive? maybe he has been abused? there is no way to tell at the moment.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#287405 - 05/13/09 09:26 PM Re: Desperatly seeking advice [Re: king tut]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
His penis size may be a source of avoidance and embarassment for him. His bragging/talking about past experiences like threesomes, etc. can be a front. However, what is it about your relationship that makes sex seem like a chore?

Is he able to orgasm freely or does he have to work at it to climax? Is there any act or position that turns him on?

The apparent change from being a cheating lover to an apparently disinterested one is interesting. Some men here have talked in the past about the "whore/madonna" concept. Maybe he was able to be a cheating person in the past because he devalued women and just used them as whores. Maybe you are the opposite and he can't accept you as a sexual person because sex is dirty to him.

Lots of possibilities here.


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#287442 - 05/14/09 06:08 AM Re: Desperatly seeking advice [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
Hi,

As the others have suggested, there can be many reasons that your BF seems to you to act strangely. Have you noticed that he shows other, emotional signs of childhood trauma? If you read through this website, you will see that these behaviors are described over and over: difficulty with relationships in general, anxiety, depression, lack of self esteem, etc.

Even if you knew for sure that he has been abused, read more and you will see that the advice of most people here would be that you seek support and probably therapy to deal with your needs in the relationship not being met. That would be the case, regardless of whether or not your BF was actively working on his issues, or if he were still in denial about what happened to him.

One thing I would say though, and the guys can tell me if I'm way off base, but it seems like if he has been abused, your consistently trying to "get him" to do things that he doesn't want to do may be a great source of stress for him...much more stressful and painful than if he just doesn't have the same sexual needs that you have.

Best,

Riz


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#287444 - 05/14/09 06:27 AM Re: Desperatly seeking advice [Re: riz]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Riz - as usual, you are spot on.... trying to "get him" to do anything - even something that he really wants to do, REALLY REALLY wants to do, seems to lead to passive aggression at best & outright angry resistance at worst. Does this happen in relationships with people who haven't been abused? Of course! But it is magnified and amplified in OUR relationships due to the simple fact that we can never get away from: our men were subjected to sexual torture (even if it FELT gentle and innocuous at the time) which left them feeling permanently dis-empowered.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#287481 - 05/14/09 02:21 PM Re: Desperatly seeking advice [Re: king tut]
m_robert Offline


Registered: 05/13/09
Posts: 4
I know not all men are totally sexual or have sex on the brain constantly. I was hoping by posting on here that I might be able to find out if I am crazy by thinking things are abnormal or if this might be something someone else has been involved in. Maybe someone may has had similiar issues and could talk to me about it. Thanks for your thoughts though.



Edited by m_robert (05/14/09 03:17 PM)

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#287505 - 05/14/09 05:38 PM Re: Desperatly seeking advice [Re: kolisha54]
m_robert Offline


Registered: 05/13/09
Posts: 4
I had no intention in pressuring him or forcing him into anything. Before I thought something may be a problem I thought he was just shy and may need someone to show him that exploring is ok. Now that I am seeing a few more things like the ts/tv/tg forum, that plus looking at certain behavior it kind of got me to think there is a bigger issue than I originally thought. I have my issues of sca from my own childhood, but I am not projecting my past on to him, that is why I didn't assume there was a problem originally, I just thought he was shy or modest. I was able to overcome a lot with my own past, I still have issues and I am still growing but I have learned a lot from my experiences and reading and talking to others. My ex helped me overcome some of my major problems with actions more than communication. He expressed how he didn't understand my habit of of holding back and how it made him feel. I took that as a major problem that I was unable to let go of my past and I needed help letting him love me and pleasing me. I was young and able to adjust eventually with him taking the time to take me out of my element and his patience and wanting to make me happy. I have been lucky because I had so much time to work on this and knowing I needed to.
I am almost reluctant to post this only because I don't want the judgement or an attack because I am trying to understand more about a possible situation but I am not trying to assume anything with him or force him. I just want to understand more. Thanks



Edited by m_robert (05/14/09 05:43 PM)

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