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#286809 - 05/09/09 12:59 AM The way things shoulfd have been...
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
Not sure where this fits so I am going off topic to start and trust the M to decide where more appropriate.

I have heard the phrase," get things back the way they should have been." It has been applied to victims of abuse, natural disasters, financial crisis, and people facing emotional or relational conflicts. What are they really saying?

Its rather impossible to go from ignorance to knowledge back to ignorance. Isn't this a bit of an absurd lie people tell themselves or what.

What do you think?



Edited by sojourn111 (05/09/09 01:01 AM)

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#286814 - 05/09/09 01:39 AM Re: The way things shoulfd have been... [Re: sojourn111]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I've heard that phrase used as a lament, like "the good old days", or "the way that things used to be". I heard it used in a planning discussion of strategies for retaining steel-making jobs in the Mahoning Valley (Sharon, Warren, Youngstown) back in the 1980s, and I have heard it used both then and more recently discussing the loss of auto industry and manufacturing jobs in my old neighborhood too. "Get back to where you once belonged" are lyrics from an old Beatles song.

In reference to victims of sexual abuse I don't see how it could be applied. You work through recovery and eventually get to a point where your self-esteem is restored enough to begin to let the ills of your past go. In time you may get to the point where your past has little if any negative effect on your present and future. But you will still have a wealth of recovery knowledge that you would not have had otherwise, even if you manage to move beyond your past.

"Get things back the way that they should have been" sounds a lot like "get over it".

Just my opinion,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#286888 - 05/09/09 04:07 PM Re: The way things shoulfd have been... [Re: sojourn111]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Originally Posted By: sojourn111
I have heard the phrase," get things back the way they should have been."......... Isn't this a bit of an absurd lie people tell themselves or what.
I think it sounds like an attempt at denial. "If I can just get back to the guy I should/could have been then I can erase the past." Doesn't work that way, I'm afraid.

I will never not have been a boy who was gang-raped. However, not because I was at one time victimized must I always remain a victim. Accepting that truth is what propels from THEN to NOW and beyond. My life will never be what it should have been. It will only ever be what I make of it and it's up to me to make my life a good place to be inspite of what once was.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#287107 - 05/11/09 03:58 PM Re: The way things shoulfd have been... [Re: joelRT]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Sojourn,

" Get things back the way they should have been"

How do you know that this is not exactly what God intended for me since the dawn of time. I would not be the man I am now or the one I am going to be. If not for all the experences that have occurred in my lifetime both good and bad. I have no regrets today for what I have suffered because I may have been another ot the millions of braindead people. Who go thru life in a mental fog never finding out who they really are.

All things work for the good for those who believe. Romans 8:28


Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#287164 - 05/12/09 01:54 AM Re: The way things shoulfd have been... [Re: michael banks]
jacobtk Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 527
I find it a strange comment because there is no way to tell how things would have happened. In my case, I grew up with it and it always happened from as early as I remember. To undo it would fundamentally change the person I am. Perhaps it would make me a better person. I am not sure. But I would not be the same person.

The way I look at is that what happened happened and could not have happened any other way. That is, however, in the past and I do not think it helps to try to relive it or undo it.

_________________________
Every day I die again, and again I’m reborn/Every day I have to find the courage/To walk out into the street/With arms out/Got a love you can’t defeat/Neither down nor out/There’s nothing you have that I need/I can breathe/Breathe now - U2

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#287238 - 05/12/09 06:59 PM Re: The way things shoulfd have been... [Re: jacobtk]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
I appreciate the different views. I find it very interesting how surviving what we have we find some value in the outcome of our path. What was suffered was terrible yet the achievement in our hearts and minds to grow and become healthy and strong... Rather than begrudging what was lost we value ourselves and the uniqueness despite it.
I wonder if the future works the same way. To an extent we had to mourn innocence lost, mourn the man that never was and yet love and live the man that is. But are we presdisposed to certain ideals of what should or should not happen. And if so do these expectations direct us toward a good course but also direct us away from the real course of our lives. Lingering in grief over loss of what wasn't and lingering in worry over what will be?


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#287477 - 05/14/09 01:04 PM Re: The way things shoulfd have been... [Re: sojourn111]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
sojourn,

I think an important part of recovery is too grieve those things we loss because of our abuse. I try not to dwell on things such as who I could have or would have been if but for... What's the use in this line of thinking because their is no constructive point or results in doing so. To me it is alot more constructive to focus my energy what I want to become. Because if I can survive my childhood there is nothing in life but myself that can hold me back.

A better question to me is " Who do I want to be,do,or want from life today?". Because the only limitation is what I will not allow myself to be.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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