Hello,
I just started and introduced myself on the introduction page. There's so much stuff to talk about!
After posting I had a memory surface that has frequently before that I wonder about and maybe someone here can possibly offer some insight on it.
Through out my life I've noticed a history of being very uncomfortable with any situation that has a hint of intimacy to it. I kind of panic. The memory I have is back in kindergarten. We had moved to a new town and I was starting school. Everyday there would be nap time. I remember being scared to lay down among all the other kids. There they'd be laying around on their blankets and I'd be either sitting up looking around at them or lay down with my eyes wide open being very alert.
I have no memory of any abuse at that time.
Any ideas about what that might be about? Just a personality thing? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hello,

It could be a feeling of being in a new place. My dad was in the AF and we moved all of the time and I felt out of place.

Some kids are very curious and will watch for awhile before participating.

Peace,

my best guess is this:

i've been studying attachment issues, and one of the themes arise out of what is called the 'strange situation' encouter.

it may be more that you, as was i, so distraught to be away, prematurely, from the presence of my mother, that i don't handle new environments initially. it usually takes a lot of self speak to get myself out of panic/anxiety mode.

yea, it appears that for that stage of independence, a whole lot of healthy self integration would have to have taken place in order to feel safe enough.

so for me, the question remains, why did i not get what i needed to ready me for the separation from my primary caregiver? what type of healthy relating did not happen for me, enabling my curiosity to be piqued instead of my sense of abandonment to be stoked?

i think some answers may be found by looking at who and how the primary relationship needs were being filled or not.

the most frustrating thing is to accept that our caregivers may not have been perfect, and made mistakes, and further that we may never know the extent of the damage inflicted in the vacuous parenting style, and that just may be part of our life's work, to cultivate acceptance of that distasteful possibility.

keep the faith,

ron

Thanks much for the feedback both of you. I never considered it like a seperation anxiety sort of things, which would explain a lot for that age. And I like the sound of that better.

My mom once told me that she was suspicious of one of my older brothers messing with me when I was that young,even in the crib, so recently I started thinking about that as a possbility for the anxiety. But your points make good sense. My parents were both alcoholics and I can remember going to visit the old lady next door at lot just to be with her.

I appreciate the feedback. That's helps a lot with some perspective.