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#286994 - 05/10/09 03:01 PM Mental Health, Schizoid plz read
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
Hi everybody.
I just woke up worried for all the things I have in my head. When it comes to say what I feel, I just don’t find the accurate words but now I’ll try to be very clear.

I was first diagnosed Schizophrenia, but doctors said it was not an accurate diagnosis. I seem to have Schizoid Personality Disorder, with some symptoms of schizophrenia, psychastenia, and avoidant personality disorder.

I had many therapies, since my abuse, then again when I was 18 because couldn’t go out to the street for frequent paranoid episodes, and then now that I’m 22 with the EMDR thing. I started taking Prozac, once a day and Alprazolam (benzodiazepines) to be able to sleep at nights.
After EMDR I started having hallucinations with a little kid (which is not more that my unresolved memories). I cannot sleep or walk in the darkness; I talk to him and write a lot. When I feel his presence I get very scared, his appearance is terrible; he’s dirty and white, as dead people. :S. What did my T tell me about this? Oh yeah, I’m gonna have you read some photocopies!

With EMDR I also started feeling an extra sensitiveness in my abuse affected areas, such as... well.. you know. It was uncomfortable for me to walk, I had to always sit down and let it pass. Also, I could smell things from the past. They prescribed me Ignatia, (another medication) 10 globes a day 200CH. It was killing me! I had laughter attacks followed by strong depression, great desires to blame everybody for all this, and specially feeling angry because all this is just unfair. They reduced the doses and couldn’t take it either. I’m not taking medications at the moment.
I hear voices in my head and believe my brain is split in 2. I mentally fight with everybody. My plans are to have a coffee outside, alone, and daydream as much as possible.
About the Schizoid thing, I just don’t desire to be close to others. When my friends go to the beach I don’t like all that noise, “the so-called fun stuff”, my friend for example is looking for the girl he likes on her bathing suit, there are beers and music. When I go to the beach I think about “The Dialogue between the seas and the Wind” aka “Le dialogue de la vent et la mer” which is a masterpiece of Debbusy, classic music. I think about the oxygen on the crests of the waves, and the differences between Neptune and Poseidon. I just don’t seem to care about the girl over there, or what are my friends doing. I find it annoying when they excessively talk about “I kissed someone and she told me that..” or “He is dating her..” or “She’s cheating on me so I’ll cheat on her” and other crap. I consider myself straight, but that node in my brain to “want certain things” and go on, is completely missing.
I am sure of this already; I mean, I cannot feel. I feel a big hole, a piece that was taken away. What should I do? – Btw, I am also unable to cry.
PD: Some other symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder
• cynical
• compliant
• stoic
• noncompetitive
• self-sufficient
• lacking assertiveness
• feeling inferior and an outsider in life
• inauthentic
• depersonalized
• alternately feeling empty robot-like and full of omnipotent, vengeful fantasies
• hidden grandiosity
• exquisitely sensitive
• deeply curious about others
• hungry for love
• envious of others' spontaneity
• intensely needy of involvement with others
• capable of excitement with carefully selected intimates
• Secret voyeuristic interests
• vulnerable to erotomania
• autistic thinking
• fluctuations between sharp contact with external reality and hyperreflectiveness about the self
• asexual, sometimes celibate
• free of romantic interests
• averse to sexual gossip and innuendo
• vulnerable to esoteric movements owing to a strong need to belong

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#286995 - 05/10/09 03:17 PM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: lfp]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
lfp,

Well, you sure succeeded in being very clear.

I'm sitting here wishing that I had words of comfort or encouragement for you - sadly, I don't. I can't imagine what it must be like to be you and to have deal with your particular challenges.

Thank you for your post. The courage that you manifest in coping with your day-to-day life not only bolsters my faith in the resiliency of human spirit but also tells me that I could make more of an effort in my own life when things feel so down for me.

I needed the reminder today.......

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#287004 - 05/10/09 04:31 PM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: joelRT]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6723
Loc: USA
lfp,

That was a really good discussion of schizoid.

I have taken the MMPI test several times. It assigned me a slightly elevated reading in "schizoid". I asked the interpreting psychologist what it meant. They usually just say it means loner or something like that. Your discussion is the best I have seen.

There was a horrible movie called The Schizoid, which terribly distorted the concept in the mind of the public. It was all wrong and shamefully destructive.

As I understand it, one never gets over schizophrenia. But schizoid or loner is something that really has changed in me. I see progress nearly every day. Most recently, just being a participant in MS Discussion has brought me out of the shadows a lot. I used to feel I had secrets I just couldn't express. Now I have expressed them on MS and I have lost my fears in doing so.

Also, I viewed people as being difficult and unapproachable. Now I am realizing more and more that people are suffering, at least most of them are. They may never have experienced what we have, but people get locked inside themselves with their fears and phobias. I have found that a few words properly phrased brings a lot of people out of their reverie.

I also have acquired some confidence in avoiding pathological people. Narcissists are easy to identify. Sociopaths stand out less but they are identifyable. Psychopaths don't look different but they act differently. After reading a book on them I think I could pick them out. It is best never to approach a psychopath (duh!! eek eek sick). This was a problem I had as a 12-y-o when there was a psycho at a boy's camp I attended.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#287009 - 05/10/09 04:57 PM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: pufferfish]
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
I am glad to hear that there are ways to get over it.

In my social context, no matter how long I take to explain people what I have and feel, they'll just tell me to "think positively" and everything will be fixed.

For example, I don't tolerate emotional closeness because I feel invaded. That is extended for example to sexual and relationship issues. I have a strong erotomania, alternately feeling empty robot-like and full of omnipotent, vengeful fantasies.

I know I must think in a positive way, but there are things in my head that just don't work. How can I stop hallucinations by thinking positively?

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#287011 - 05/10/09 05:21 PM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: pufferfish]
GeorgeMartin Offline


Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 187
Loc: USA
I was previously diagnosed with this condition of Schizoid or Schizotypal and or Schizoprheniaform Personality Disorder years ago, and Manic Depressive, Major Depressive, Depersonalization Disorder, Immature Personality Disorder, PTSD, and finally Multiple Personality Disorder now called Dissociative Identity Disorder. All of it "labels". Proceeding these diagnosis' the "professionals" would write out a per>

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#287016 - 05/10/09 06:12 PM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: GeorgeMartin]
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
I am talking to people,.. OMG why are they so stubborn in their lives?

They keep saying that I must think positively and hang out to parties and be with friends and Ta Da!!! PTSD is gone, EMDR is gone, Schizoid is gone, happiness will come, hallucinations will dissappear and etc etc.

Why is it so difficult for them to understand that just do not feel certain things, that I feel weird, that I don't enjoy emotional closeness and etc!!

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#287017 - 05/10/09 06:41 PM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: lfp]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
lfp,

I think it's that same old thing of 'you have to have walked the walk' in order to be able to understand.

Many, many years ago I had a friend who struggled with schizophrenia and while we were close and he shared with me about what he was experiencing, I never understood what he was going through or why it was so hard for him. He ended up a broken man and living in the streets and I never understood that either.

All these many years later, I know a lot about this condition than I ever did and sadly I still have to say that I don't understand it. If anything has changed for me it's that I can now accept everything that you say about your particular condition without questionning the truth of it.

I'm sorry, I wish I had more to offer......

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#287041 - 05/11/09 12:35 AM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: lfp]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6723
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: lfp
I don't tolerate emotional closeness because I feel invaded. That is extended for example to sexual and relationship issues. I have a strong erotomania, alternately feeling empty robot-like and full of omnipotent, vengeful fantasies.


I think that if you have the right kind of at T, he can let you talk out your mental fixations. Then when they dialog with you about them, you begin to see light. This is done little by little. You are moving a large pile of sand with a child's shovel so to speak. So you must be patient and persistent. It also requires that you have a T that you trust enough so that you let them into your internal dialog. I don't agree with everything my T says, but I trust him enough to seriously listen and share my burdens.

The ideas you acquired wrongly through abuse are like nails driven into the wall of your mental psyche. The emotions you have are like shirts or rags hanging on these nails. The ideas are things you have been taught by abuse and bad parenting and bad social conditions, depending on your situation. It is as though the bad things you were taught are like nails driven into the wall of your conceptual home. The nails may be wrong ones and damaging ones, especially those from abuse. When you talk these out you will become insightful as to the misplaced emotions hanging from those nails. They will fade away as they are drenched in light.

The ideas and emotional furniture of your mind are also habitual. You think a certain way, and feel a certain way because you have "always done so". You must expose these ideas and emotions to a trusted T and allow them to throw light on them. They will then begin to melt away.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#287134 - 05/11/09 09:36 PM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: pufferfish]
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
Allen,

I think all you said is true. I can think certain way because I have always done so... I do need a T that I can trust and I need that ASAP. Sometimes it's hard to talk though.

Now, what could that T be? Psychiatrist, psychologyst... ??

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#287138 - 05/11/09 10:02 PM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: lfp]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6723
Loc: USA
lfp,

Wow! Everything I said was true? I'm impressed! blush

Now really, to find a therapist (T) is something that takes a little bit of searching.

First, we don't really know where you are. You can start with our recommended list. It can be found in the survivor's subheading.
Click on the lineup above where it says "Malesurvivor". It should take you into the main directory for the MS site.
Look under the heading "survivors" and there will be a subheading where you can find therapists in your area.

Or, just click on this:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/resource-directory.php


I have a list of qualities that I think a good T should have: They should have training. Often a doctorate is not necessary and just makes them more expensive. I found that it is advisable to have a T who is also a survivor of CSA. I have always had male Ts but some guys have female Ts. A T should be someone you have rapport with. I have been seening a T who gives me a bit of a price break. I need that. If you find another guy on the site who seems to be from your area, you can ask them for advice.

There are probably some things I forgot to mention. If so, probably some other guy will jump in and say it.

Allen

pufferfish whistle




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#289446 - 05/29/09 11:14 PM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: lfp]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 844
Loc: Northeast, USA
lfp,

Wow, that was a long list of symptoms of Schizoid PD. You must have done a lot of research on the subject. I was wondering do you have all or most of those symptoms? I believe I have Avoidant PD, or at least Social anxiety disorder, and I'm almost sure that my friend of many years has Schizoid PD. Avoidant PD and Schizoid PD can look similar at times, but what distinguises them is that people with Avoidant PD want to, but can't, be social and people with Schizoid PD don't desire much social interaction. Like the symtoms list says, they're self-sufficient. I'm pretty sure you see yourself as being that way?

As I mentioned I think my best friend of many years has Schizoid PD and we were able to be very close since childhood, which has now been over 30 years. The bond we have is strong and has been there for many years, so don't lose hope, because I'm pretty sure that people with Schizoid PD can form close a relationship with another person. They just have to find the right person.

My best to you sir,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#443004 - 08/02/13 03:26 AM Re: Mental Health, Schizoid plz read [Re: pufferfish]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Originally Posted By: pufferfish


The ideas you acquired wrongly through abuse are like nails driven into the wall of your mental psyche. The emotions you have are like shirts or rags hanging on these nails. The ideas are things you have been taught by abuse and bad parenting and bad social conditions, depending on your situation. It is as though the bad things you were taught are like nails driven into the wall of your conceptual home. The nails may be wrong ones and damaging ones, especially those from abuse. When you talk these out you will become insightful as to the misplaced emotions hanging from those nails. They will fade away as they are drenched in light.

The ideas and emotional furniture of your mind are also habitual. You think a certain way, and feel a certain way because you have "always done so". You must expose these ideas and emotions to a trusted T and allow them to throw light on them. They will then begin to melt away.


Love this. thank you! We are SO SURE our emotions are CORRECT, aren't we??

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