My husband is a survivor of CSA. He is acting out homosexually. We have children, therefore I want to do everything I can to help him.
When do you know that the marriage is over and there is no hope?
I am so lonely and can not talk to him about it, so I act as if nothing is wrong.
Please help me if you have been in this situation.
Thanks in advance.
Leigh

I feel for your loneliness and struggle. I have made many blunder in my struggle to love myself through a rape and an ex through the consequences of his lasting effects from childhood sexual assault.

The most encouragement I can give may not seem like much-- advise I guess not exactly encouragement.

From what you describe there is lots of reason to hope for the marriage. However scilance and aquessence are (in my mind) not helpfull to either of you.

What would it mean to say that you were not comfortable with some of what this means and needed to renegotiate the boundaries.

If so what do you need to feel that the marriage is a real priority or even potential one?

Also What can you not accept and still- have sex?
- share a bed?
-live in the same house?
-not explain more directly some things to your children?

Likewise what does he need or want?

What and where do you go to renegotiate what the ground rules are?

But let me say- that the isolation must be crushing for this is hardly one that you easily or ever talk about within the usual support networks- and even with trusted people- professionals you may face the fear that if you tell them and then find a way to return to some homeostasis- they will push you when you do not want to be pushed.

Marriage is so happy when in our love and puppy like confusion we have that race of being alone and a bit unsure if the lover is there. Marriage is so lonely and hard when we stand alone and no longer reach out--- maybe not wanting to find the lover again and maybe sure that we will not be sought in the same way and maybe both. But thank God for those I have loved who sought me and reached out when I did not and did not want them to do so. I have been so joyously found at such times. I am not saying that is what will be the next step or even another step in this relationship but I again offeryou my counsel such as it is and I feel for you.

I hate being alone in so many aspects of life and most especially when I do not know when that particular sense of isolation will end.

Ralph

Hi Leigh,

I have not been in your exact situation, but I wanted to say that I read your post and I feel for you and your family.

This site can be a great relief when it seems there is nowhere else to turn. It is one place where no one will think you are crazy. Everyone understands more or less what you are going through.

Do you want to tell us more about what's happening? Is your husband in therapy? Are you? Have you talked about the csa in the past? Is he still at home?

I don't know much about anything, but one thing I'm pretty sure of is that pretending nothing is wrong probably isn't healthy for you. Even if you can't talk to your husband right now, YOU need support...here, with a therapist, a support group. One thing we all have in common is the isolation, but it's one thing that you can take control over by getting yourself some help.

Hope to hear from you again.

Riz

You will know in your own heart when its over. Take Care.

To answer your initial question about "when do you know it is over?" That of course, depends on you.

I bring a few thoughts to this discussion. First, we all have an equal stake in our committed relationships. IF one person is acting out or not bringing honor to the relationship then some strong boundaries must be established to set this balance right again. Pretending the acting out is not happening will never make it disappear.

During the most difficult moments of this experience I have often considered a simple thought: To have a good partner, I must be a good partner. What would I expect from my husband if I were in his shoes? Would I want him to sit back and be silent or tell me that my behavior was unacceptable? Would I want him to challenge me to be the best that I could possibly be, to heal, to be an active part of our family's life? Of course I would. I have concluded that if a relationship is meant to survive, it will...both will do everything possible to make it last, if it was not meant to last, then it will not. ...but to give up without working through anything would cause a forever sort of wondering, "what if?"


It has been my experience that anything of value in life often takes hard work and determination.
S-n-S