It seems like everything i do i am self-conscious about. I know im a big guy and im good looking but i always think im akward. I am a little bit but when my confidence (the little bit that i have) catches me off guard, i forget about my thoughts and i am a man and not a boy. I can even engage in sexual activity with my girlfriend which is very difficult sometimes as my self-destructive thought process tells me im ņot enjoying it or that i wont get it up. The thing is i have to tell myself to stop thinking. I literally repeat the words "stop talking" in my head. Its like i look for things to feel bad about which is a very bad habbit. I guess its the same thought process that told me i wasnt enjoying being abused, like a defensive thought process. I know just a bit of confidence can help and also just telling myself that it wasnt my fault.

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"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"