I have retyped this so many times, I’m ready to make a big step in my life, I want to be able to openly talk about my abuse and take away the power that has kept me locked up for years. I know this will be hard for me to do, this time. But I hope the more open I am about this to myself and others each time I talk of my abuse it will get easier and less painful. I have allot of shame, but I’m starting to realize that it shouldn’t be my shame, that this was not my fault and I need to stop blaming myself, I hope sooner not later I will believe that 100%!

So where to start? Well the beginning would make sense!

My name is Chris, and this is my story.

I was born on the 3rd of February 1991 at Mater Mothers Hospital, Australia. I have one older brother he is 4 years older then me, his name is Ross. My Mother, Suzanne and Father, Rex had very ’high’ paying jobs, most of my younger years, from age 10months until about the age of 6, my brother and myself were taken care of by a nanny called Chanel, I don’t really remember her but from what I can make out from photos and paintings I had growing up, she was a great person! Shortly after my 6th birthday my Mother was in a severe car accident, she broke both legs, ribs, had a collapsed lung, internal injuries and minor brain damage, she was in a drug induce coma for about 2 months, I still have no recollection of this, this is just what I have been told. Because my mother was so hurt in this crash she quit her job and decided to be a stay at home mum.

I’m 7 My dad would leave for work as usual, my bother Ross, 11 would head off to school trying to hide the bruises on his back from the beating he got from dad the night before, so it was just me and mum. I never understood why I never went to school, when I turned 6 which is the age you’re meant to start I just didn’t, it was never organised and I never questioned it, I’d look out my bedroom window and see my brother walking to catch his bus (in allot of pain may I add) so a normal day for me at age 7 (as best as I can remember it) was I’d get up and watch T.V until mum woke up, she would then cook me breakfast, Ross never ate breakfast, in fact my brother was overlooked allot of the time, I was the youngest son and it was all about me!! Mum called me her favourite, I didn’t know what it meant but I went along with it. After breakfast we’d sit down and plan what we were going to do for the day we would go to the park, or the beach we’d go shopping or see a movie my favourite was to go fishing at the wharf, we would just have fun then we’d return home I’d watch T.V I remember having to turn it up really loud because I could hear the screaming from my brother begging dad to stop, dad was drunk… again! But it didn’t bother me, I never got in his way, I always wondered what Ross could have possibly done wrong, this happen just about every night, so to me this was normal. Keep in mind since I never went to school I never met kids my age, the only kids I ever saw were the neighbours and they were teenagers, a little kid to teenagers is like a mouse to a cat, it seem a better option to stay inside then to be picked on!

Age 8 is when it all started for me, very scarily I remember the first time so clearly, me remembering this so well haunts me till this day. I had come down with the flu, Ross went off to school as usual and my dad tried his best to go to work and ignore the hangover he seemed to have for years! I remember someone opening my bedroom door, I popped my head out of the doona, it was just mum, she was checking in on me seeing if I needed anything. I remember asking her if I could have a cup of hot chocolate, mum said “sure sweetie, anything you want” I put on a bit of a cough just to suck up a little bit more, mum put her hand on my fore head and said she’d be right back, she then retuned with my hot chocolate. She sat on my bed I sat up and had a sip of my drink and put it on my side table, I remember mum asking me if I could do anything today what would I want to do, I thought about this and then replied with “fish at the wharf” mum said ok anything you want, I remember getting all excited I remember her saying something about getting ice cream, I was to excited to really understand what she was saying, but I remember the next part to well….. I remember mum saying “but, before we do that you have to do something for me” I was far to excited to pass up ice cream and fishing so my reply was something along the lines of “anything!” she then started to say how much of a big handsome boy I am and that I’m her big strong son and I’m her favourite, she then said that it can only be between me and her, that no one else can know, not even dad. I agreed and then promised. I was excited to know what this secret was, I remember mum saying not to be scared and that its normal and if its hurts its ok because she is here and she loves me, that is when my mother took my doona off me and she told me she was going to do something that will make me feel better, this person is my mother I had to believe her, so I let her pull down my pants and take off my undies, she then undressed and taught me all about the female body “these are boobs” she said, “here touch them, if want you to” so I did, she then said “now you have touched my body I’m going to touch yours” “ok” I said, mum kept saying how much she loves me and how excited she is to go fishing, this is where my mother played with my penis, it felt really weird, she then told me to lay down and she was going to make me feel better, she then put my penis in her mouth and started to suck it. I remember feeling weird, it tickled but I didn’t stop her, after she done that for a while I then got to touch her, I touched her boobs once more then asked if we can go to the wharf now, she said ok and then reminded me how this was only our little secret, I agreed and off we went, we went fishing had ice cream and Mc Donald’s, its was a great day! That was the first time I was sexually abused by my mother, and by no means the last.

Ross went to school, Dad went to work, and mum would abuse me, mum went from being a nice and caring person to a very angry person, one day I decided to decline the offer of being touched, that was the first real beating I got from her, I screamed and cried as she beat me black and blue, a few hours later she came into my room and said sorry and spun the whole ‘you deserved that, you made me do it’ crap. I got over it and me and mum were back being the friends I thought we were, I was unaware this was wrong for my mother to do this. As I got older the beatings got harder, the bruises got darker. Soon my father started to hit me too, now I was the kid begging them to stop. My brother was pulled out of school by the time I was 9 or so, apparently we were ‘home schooled’. Since my brother was home more, I didn’t get beaten as much, Ross was around the age of 13 when he told me about the secrets he had with mum and dad, I then told him my secret with mum, that was the first time we actually got along, I mean I loved my brother sure, but having mum and dads attention all the time, made him dislike me. The abuse was on and off for years, we never really left the house anymore, me and mum never done anything together that was fun for both of us, I had it all… and then I lost it all. I remember sleeping one night and hearing dad yelling so I woke up, he was drunk and angry, I was so scared, as he started coming towards me taking his belt off I herd Ross yelling “dad leave him alone, I’m here, I’m right here take it out on me, leave him alone” next minute I heard my bedroom door slam shut I looked up from my tears to see no one in my room, then… the cries from a 14 year old began, Ross really got it that night, because of me. We never spoke about that night.

Now I’m 12, Ross is 17, he is uneducated, hurt and scared. Its Christmas time, Christmas in our family was just like any other day, however we did go around to grandmas house to have lunch, I remember eating outside, Ross sat next to me - out of everything I have gone through, this moment here was one of the top hardest. He stole a bite of my sausage roll, we both laughed he then looked down at the concrete and started to talk “Merry Christmas little bro” he reached into his pocket and he pulled out a coin the size of a dollar, it has gold around the edges, I said thanks and didn’t take much notice of it, he said “that’s not just any coin, that’s a coin only brothers can have, where ever you take it, I will be with you” I had no idea what the hell he was going on about, for the last few years me and Ross became really close, although we both still were getting abused, us being friends made it that bit easier.

That night the fighting began, this time I was in the lounge watching tv when Ross ran pass, dad then followed, Ross was yelling, dad was yelling then mum started too, dad went to go and hit Ross, he moved out of his way, more swearing and yelling went on. I sat there trying to work it all out, trying not to get caught looking, then Ross done something I never expected he pushed dad into the wall, and just kept pushing and pushing dad was trying to push back, but Ross looked like he was going to kill him, dad managed to hit Ross, mum was yelling to stop, Ross then punched dad right in the face and it kind of went silent after that, then Ross just walk straight out of the front door… that was the last time I saw him.
For the first few weeks he was gone I kept looking in his room, I looked out the window thinking my big bro would appear, he never did. I was then coached by mum, she was telling me what to say to the police, and that if I told them what they have done, I’d pay. The police decided that my brother didn’t want to be found, they put it down to running away and that there is nothing they could really do because he is almost 18. That was it, how could he do that? How could Ross just leave me? I was only 12, I now had to put up with the abuse myself, I was alone.

2004, I was enrolled into high school. I had just turned 13, I was now going to school, and I had no idea where to begin. The years went by, the abuse still continued, some weeks worse then others. I still hadn’t told anyone. I started to fit in to school and make friends, but I was a very messed up kid by grade 9 I left school, I just couldn’t do it. I was depressed, angry, I had very little knowledge, no money, no job, life just kept getting worse. It wasn’t until I was around the age of 14 before my dad sexually abused me. I don’t understand how a mother and father could do this to there son, but they did and they didn’t seem to care about it either.

15 and 16 were big years in my life, they were years I realised my father was abused by his father from a young age, they were also years I understood how wrong this was, I started to fight back, I would yell, scream, threat calling the police, I done what ever I needed to do to survive. The abuse started to slow down until I decided I didn’t want to live there anymore, which was the same idea mum and dad had too.

I left home when I was 16, I had no idea where to go and very little things to my name, I was on the street for at least 2 weeks before I asked for help. I rang kids help line, this was my first time ringing this place. I then lived with complete strangers, but they soon turned into very good friends, I lived in the garage, it was my own space and I barley left only if I really had to. I had Centrelink payments once a fortnight. This is were I learnt how to spell and read, reading was my passion, I loved it! finally I was safe, I wasn’t happy… but I was safe.

I had been there just over 2 years But not long ago we were told we had to leave. I ended up back on the street, that didn’t last long, I was jumped by a local group of guys who kicked the crap out of me and I ended up in hospital, I wasn’t that hurt but asking for my full name, they done the one thing I never expected. My father was rung, I didn’t know until he was at the hospital. He looked so different, he looked… kind? I was shitting myself, we had a moment alone, he said “I know we have allot to talk about, how bout we talk about it at home?” the car trip was so quiet, the radio was on so that help calm the nerves, then dad started to talk “so me and your mother ended up getting a divorce, I wasn’t happy in the relationship and neither was she, I have a new partner now, we have been together for just over a year, she has a son your age and a daughter who is 15” I didn’t say anything, dad then said “look son I know allot has happened but I have changed, please give me a chance to prove that to you” I still said nothing so the car ride went back to being silent, there were so many things going through my head, why didn’t he threaten me not to tell his girlfriend what he has done? Where is mum? Has he seen Ross? How long am I staying here? Is it the same house I was brought up in? does he drink still? Has he hurt his girlfriends children? I think I was in shock! We arrived and a very nice house, it was so neat and tidy. We got out of the car and I walked inside with my father, that’s when I met Belinda and her two kids, Alex,17 and Haley 15, Jack the dog and Mash and Raini the two cats. Everyone was so nice, Haley, the youngest was itching to know everything about me when her mother, Belinda told her to give me some time to settle in. Belinda showed me my room, the bathroom, where the towels are kept, she’d had just made my bed and put some of Alex’s clothes on there so I could shower and get changed, she is a very wonderful women.

I have been here now for just over a week, Belinda has made me feel very comfortable, in fact she has shown me so much loved I’m unsure how to respond sometimes. So far its going well, me and my father are getting along, we don’t really talk but I know he is ashamed of himself, we haven’t spoken about anything in the past. I had the shock of my life the other day when my mother came around to the house, apparently her and dad are friends… she even had the nerve to hug me!!!
Belinda has taken me clothes shopping and brought me allot of personal items, she also had a gift for me. She got me a mobile phone! I’ve never had one before… all I can keep thinking is how much I wish she was my mother!

So I sit here Saturday the 9th of May looking at this new phone this kind hearted women has given me, then I look on the desk the laptop is sitting on, the coin Ross gave to me when I was 12 sits there.

I know there are allot of gaps in my story, but you know what? I done it! I now have told the secret that has been with me since I was little, today I freed myself….. And I still cant stop crying!!!!

Thank you all for listening, I need to pull myself together now! Oh one last thing,, this new nifty phone that Belinda got me has a camera on it, so I attached a photo of the coin Ross gave me, I’m still mad at him, but he had to do what he needed to, to survive, and I hope one day I will see him again.

Chris cry




_________________________
You left me
Drowning in my own tears
You left me
Blaming myself for years
You left me
Insecure and scared
You left me
Thinking no one could care
You left me
Hurt and broken
You left me
Nothing but hoping…