Newest Members
FredM88, Vermona, Jas52, oliviaavaxj, biboy24
12109 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
-Matt- (39), kevin1963 (51), Northwoods (61), rcb0973 (58), sportinrucks (29)
Who's Online
2 registered (sentry, Jude), 54 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12109 Members
73 Forums
62492 Topics
437997 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#287583 - 05/15/09 08:35 AM Re: New forum needed: Learning Effects [Re: michael banks]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Allen,

As former Site Admin I read this and my first thought was, well, couldn't all this go very easily into the "Male Survivors" forums on the public and members' sides. But as I think more and more about it, I think your idea has a lot of merit.

After all, a forum isn't just a category where we can stick things, it's a tool. Just the existence of the forum encourages guys to think about the topic and talk about it.

If we had a forum entitled something like "School and Learning Issues" I think that would draw attention to the huge influence that school and educational experiences have had on the development of each and every one of us. So many of us were shaped in some way by school experiences related to our abuse problems, and many of us still struggle along with those problems, in many cases not even realizing that these problems exist.

Good idea! I know the ModTeam will give it serious consideration.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#287592 - 05/15/09 11:17 AM Re: New forum needed: Learning Effects [Re: roadrunner]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I was a good student, until shortly after the abuse. The sexual abuse occurred at age 9. When I started becoming sexually aware at age 12, it all went downhill. Sexual identity issues, apathy towards school-work, rebelliousness, hating the school system (no regrets about that, but it didn't help me much later in life) etc, etc, etc.

In general, I tended to have a self-view of not having a future no matter what I did, hence, I never tried to "succeed" at anything. Does this make sense to anyone? Can anyone relate?

I remember 6th grade, sitting with my Dad one night, I was trying to finish some god-awful math homework assignment. I hate math, I would rather get a tooth pulled than open a math book. I needed help. He was sitting with me and showing me how to do it..........all of a sudden just started getting upset and tearful/crying, I didn't even know why, I just was..........my dad's reaction? Oh, he thought I "just didn't want to do the homework" and told me to go to bed in an angry and short-tempered tone.

Another fucking clueless parent.


Top
#287677 - 05/16/09 01:33 AM Re: New forum needed: Learning Effects [Re: Hauser]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Allan,

I could have written your post here.
I too was 9 when Mr Candale came into my life.
As a kid I had no dreams of bring a fireman, doctor etc...
My only dream was to become 18 and I would be free to do what I wanted to do.I never made plans to ensure any direction of where may go. Everything in my life that has happened go far has just seem to drop in my life.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
#287717 - 05/16/09 02:10 PM Re: New forum needed: Learning Effects [Re: michael banks]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
This thread brings back so many really difficult school issues I had to face in therapy:

1. How can algebra homework be important when you know that afternoon you will be messed with again?

2. Hating to go to school (especially gym class) because you fear that somehow the abuse will "show" on you. It feels like you have a sign on you, and it seems like anyone else can just help himself if he wants to.

3. Isolating from friends at school for fear they will "want me like that", and at the same time thinking my friends are rejecting me.

4. Gym teacher who called me a "queer" because I wrote a poem in memory of Robert Frost, who had just died. Logic??? All poets are queers, and only a queer would write a poem about another queer.

5. Hearing another guy in study hall explain what "BJ" means, and everybody but me goes, "OMG! Ewwwwwww!!!!" So school gradually becomes a place where you expect the worst emotional ambushes to happen.

Etc.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#287804 - 05/17/09 12:18 PM Re: New forum needed: Learning Effects [Re: roadrunner]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
How could any homework or anything that I ever did be important enough for me to put forth enough effort to do well, when all that my father was likely to do was yell at me, call me stupid, and berate me for not doing a better job, no matter how good a job that anyone else thought that I did?

I still remember, Spring semester of 1987 at Cleveland State, getting an "A" grade on a 20-page term paper and an "A" grade in the first advanced-level course I took at college, before I had even declared a major. The professor was the former Planning Director of Cleveland who had encouraged me to take his senior-level Urban Planning course after I had done well in his 200-level intro. I was full of pride when I brought the paper home to show my dad. I was so hoping that for once he would relent and tell me that I had done a good job. Dad read it then scowled and angrily snapped "you could have done a better job". When I asked him how, he got all angry and started remembering all of my faults in history instead of anything to do with my performance in this paper or class. Finally he started throwing things in the kitchen and his last opportunity to praise me was lost as I ran to my car. He died before I enjoyed much of my success in recovery. His death in some ways helped me, as I didn't have all of that negativity conspiring to tear away at any accomplishment that I might attempt.

Part of the reason that I try to encourage others is because I never enjoyed any encouragement from my father, and I know how much that his constant negativity hurt me in my education, personal growth, and early progress in recovery. I feel that encouragement in education lays an important foundation, and the lack of any positive recognition dooms many young people to a life of lesser expectations.

Again, a separate forum for educational aspects common to many survivors is an excellent idea.

Mark



_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#287973 - 05/18/09 09:15 PM Re: New forum needed: Learning Effects [Re: Trucker51]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Mark,

You being up an interesting idea. Like your father was for you my mother was a very controlling and negative influence on my life as a child and young adult. She died in 1981 of cancer when i was 20. I wonder if I would have started my recovery in my 20's if she had still been alive.
Interesting how life and death have so much impact on our lives.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
#289875 - 06/01/09 09:50 PM Re: New forum needed: Learning Effects [Re: michael banks]
larry-nz Offline


Registered: 06/01/09
Posts: 7
Loc: US citizen living in New Zeala...
This is a great idea. My ability to learn seems more affected now after a major depression in 1999 and again in 2003 than ever before. As a child I always did well when there was a creative way to express what I was learning because I found reading and conveying information in written form difficult. It is no wonder that I became a graphic designer/visual communications and artist. After a successful few years in the design world I began to teach design and did so successfully for 14 years. When I became unwell my career and my learning seemed to disappear from the face of the earth. I have difficulty concentrating and absorbing information aurally and verbally. So, reading for pleasure is out the door. Reading for learning seems impossible.
After reading how PTSD can affect brain function in the developing child it seems clear that my so-called 'learning disability' may actually have been a brain dysfunction...I was sexually abused to various degrees from age 5 to 15. I 'just' managed to complete a masters degree which was a stressor - due to the nature of writing a thesis. Comments on the thesis had more to do with the 'odd language style' than the project itself. Because of my B- grade I now find it difficult to gain entry into a PhD programme - even for a studio arts based 'thesis'. Hmmm.
This year I embarked on studying Spanish at university - to gain a new outlook on learning. I had already done 2 years in high school so thought I'd have a grasp and manage ok. However, halfway through the semester PTSD symptoms crept in and made the class impossible to continue with.


Top
#290072 - 06/03/09 12:37 PM Re: New forum needed: Learning Effects [Re: larry-nz]
wojax Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/22/04
Posts: 171
Loc: Florida
This made me think back to school...I was never very good at it ..Had a hard time fiting in (before the abuse) Mother and father divorced and i wanted a Daddy like any other little boy..
Thinking back I now know I was very sad, unhappy and lonley..
I would chew the collors on my shirts..
Then after the abuse I started the same behavior, Even to this day I have a problem with learning , I do love learning new things.
But, I agree our kids need to be saught out and helped...Maybe there is a way that we can help in a social seting or school..
well any way my thoughts
Gary

_________________________
Jer 7:23 ps 91:16

Top
#293100 - 06/26/09 12:46 AM Re: New forum needed: Learning Effects [Re: pufferfish]
friendinneed Offline


Registered: 06/04/09
Posts: 107
Hi ALLEN,

I would help support this group in a non-professional way. I had so many educational challenges as a youngster that I know that of what you speak is needed, and would be a valuable resource.

Let me know how I can help.

Peace my friend,
Shaun



Edited by friendinneed (06/26/09 12:47 AM)

Top
#293103 - 06/26/09 01:07 AM Re: New forum needed: Learning Effects [Re: friendinneed]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6704
Loc: USA
Thanks guys,

I instinctively think that this is an important area for us.

Yes I think we need to look deeply into learning effects and their solutions.

I know from my own life that abuse at an early age had a terrible effect on my educational life. Yes, I went ahead and finished school and college etc., etc. But that's irrelevant. For each of us the question is what might I do educationally to erase or nullify the damage. How can I overcome the negative effects that abuse has had on my life.

And the effects of abuse are going to be different depending on all kinds of variables. I just got through writing a post on the effect of age of kid versus the severity of abuse. These considerations have to be important for us. The answers we need are going to be different depending on our age of abuse, the type of abuse, etc., etc. We need satisfying answers to these questions to help guys get through it. We cannot wait until society gets around to coming to us with its answers.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >



I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.