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#286392 - 05/05/09 05:53 PM when will i be a survivor
ErikMd Offline


Registered: 05/05/09
Posts: 3
Loc: MD
Hello,

So here i sit. In my one bedroom appartment alone, a mess. I am almost 30 years old. I was sexually abused for several years as a child by a neighbor until I was 12 years old or so. Until about 3 months ago i hadn't told anyone of my sexual abuse not even my wife. The reason for that is becuase when i was younger it was not spoken of in my house. To my family, my mother "It's over get over it". I was never allowed to talk about it.

The abuse has ruined so many things for me (Or have i allowed that to happen)? I had/have a beautiful wife who i love very much. We have seperated 3 months ago. I have an 11 month son. I love them both so very much. I want to learn how to love someone becuse hating myself is so easy and seems like the natural thing to do. I dont know how to show how much i love and care about them. I miss them so much. I had it all a wonderfull wife, beautiful baby boy, great house, 2 new cars, even a great dog. I had it all..... Now, like i said i am alone in my appartment..

I have a great job but it is hard. I am a Police officer and have to be "The strong one". I often am done with calls and drive away thinking "Wow i am such a hypocrate, how can i help these people when i can't even help myself"?

Also, I was physically abused by my parents who were always intoxicated. One would sleep while the other one beat the shit out of me. stabbed, slashed, beat, strangled, thrown, punched, kicked. You name it they said i deserved it.....

I guess what i am trying to say is that i have pretended to be ok and strong for all this time and now it is staring me right in the face everytime i look into the mirror. I hate everything about me, I feel fake. I feel if people knew the real "ME" they would steer clear. I hear people tell me that its not my fault and i shouldn't blame myself for anything thats happened but i just cant believe that, somehow it has to be atleast partially my fault.

So i ask... When will i be a survivor? Is this as good as it gets? Will i ever be someone thats not "messed up"? will i ever be good enough? Will the hate ever stop or atleast lighten up? Will the pain ever stop? Will i eer stop pushing people away?

I have just joined this site and can see the support that is offered. I guess i am not the only one that this has happened to and i don't have to feel ashamed and embarrased.

I do appologize for this post being so random. Its hard to see my keypad through the tears. My thoughts are all over right now.

Thank you for your time reading this
Erik

_________________________
ErikMd

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#286393 - 05/05/09 06:13 PM Re: when will i be a survivor [Re: ErikMd]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hey Erik,

Welcome to MS - I'm so glad that you found us smile

I guess the short answer to your question is that you already are a survivor - now what you need to do is learn how to have a life with, and in spite of, the former abuse.

For that to happen you need a support network of trusty and caring people. People who will stand with you and by you while you work through the multitute of issues that you've inherited from your abuse.

MS is a great place to start building that network. There is a wealth of info and wisdom to be garnered from the men here - we understand you, even when you don't, and we speak the same language as you do for having been in the same place as you.

I might as well say this to you now, as many others will as well. You need a therapist to help you navigate a past such as yours and to help you find your way to freedom from the pain of that past.

Keep talking to us Erik, keep sharing your hurts with us. we are listening, we do care and we will offer you all of the support we are capable of.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#286394 - 05/05/09 06:16 PM Re: when will i be a survivor [Re: ErikMd]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Welcome to Malesurvivor Erik

I think "fake it until you make it" isn't such a bad start. Start with the confidence and the knowledge that you are a survivor (which you are) and then work towards believing in your heart what is already possible.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#286396 - 05/05/09 06:24 PM Re: when will i be a survivor [Re: king tut]
ErikMd Offline


Registered: 05/05/09
Posts: 3
Loc: MD
I forgot to mention that i do currently see a therapist. I have been seeing her for a couple months now. Just not sure its helping. It seems that the flashbacks and triggers are more prominant after going to see her. Its like i am re-living every moment and every memory.... I can only assume this is normal... i just hope it gets easier..
Erik

_________________________
ErikMd

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#286399 - 05/05/09 06:46 PM Re: when will i be a survivor [Re: king tut]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Welcome to Malesurvivor, Erik.

I'm going to offer my thoughts on some of your questions, I hear what you're saying and have been through a lot of it myself. Sorry it's long, but I wanted to share fully my response to what you're saying.

"I love them both so very much. I want to learn how to love someone becuse hating myself is so easy and seems like the natural thing to do. I dont know how to show how much i love and care about them. I miss them so much."

The love is already there. You just need to say the words to them. Maybe cut and paste those lines and send them off as an email. Have you told your wife about the abuse?

"I am a Police officer and have to be "The strong one". I often am done with calls and drive away thinking "Wow i am such a hypocrate, how can i help these people when i can't even help myself" This is one of the hardest ones to see. You are the strong one. Your strength helped you survive. Now its helping you help others. The problem is it also created patterns of survival that you no longer need. The shutting away of feeling and not sharing the love are some of those old patterns. I call them my shell. I need to crack open the shell, knowing its safe to love.

"i have pretended to be ok and strong for all this time and now it is staring me right in the face everytime i look into the mirror." Erik, I don't think it's faking at all. You survived. You lived through hell. When you're going through hell the definition of OK and strong are different from when you're safe at home. We're like soldiers coming back from a war. We learned to be OK in tough times. Now we need to learn the rules of OK at home.

"I hate everything about me, I feel fake. I feel if people knew the real "ME" they would steer clear." So many of us go through this, and I used to try to get in fights so someone would beat me up so I could feel anything again. The fake is just the shell, the old habits. Those can be retained. There really is hope. I'm so much better now than I used to be that it's like being a new person. ONly the beautiful part is, the new person is just the little kid inside me finally getting the treatment he deserved so he could smile and know the world was a reasonable safe place. Once you see the real you again, so much can change.

"I hear people tell me that its not my fault and i shouldn't blame myself for anything thats happened but i just cant believe that, somehow it has to be atleast partially my fault. " Try now to worry about blaming anyone. It's so much better to let go of the past and live in the now. The more I thought about what happened the more I realized the real issue was here with me, it was my daily thinking and acting that needed thought, not the past.

"When will i be a survivor?" To me the fact that you're asking shows you've survived. When we're caught in the abuse we barely know it's happening. It's only when we start to get free of it that the realization hits and the survival techniques become a problem instead of the safety net they've always been.

"Is this as good as it gets? Will i ever be someone thats not "messed up"? will i ever be good enough?" It gets way better. Infinitely better in my case, so that I'm happy most of the time and the abuse seems far away. There really is hope. Healing is possible. The behavior and thought patterns can be changed. I hope you'll come to see yourself as not just good enough, but really fine.

"Will the hate ever stop or atleast lighten up? Will the pain ever stop? Will i eer stop pushing people away? " For me? Yes, yes, and yes. It's possible to stop hating and to forgive. The pain can come and go and maybe finally leave. It's possible to love very deeply again and to show it freely.

The fact that you're here and talking is the key, and it shows an incredible amount of courage. For me breaking the silence was so stressful it gave me an out of body experience. Those first weeks months, whatever, of sharing the story are the worst ones (they were for me at least). Let it all out. Feel free to write and write. Let it be like opening a sore so all the pus can run out then like running warm water over it until the wound is really clear and clean.

Again, welcome. I hope the site is as helpful to you as it has been for me.

Danny

ps: lots of people recommend therapy. I've never had it, so I don't know how it works. For me the key has been meditation, and here's a post with some techniques: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...4629#Post284629



Edited by DannyT (05/05/09 06:51 PM)

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#286401 - 05/05/09 07:17 PM Re: when will i be a survivor [Re: ErikMd]
brosie9 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 6
Loc: WEST
Eric, I read your story and do want to say that you are a survivor!! I went through 5 years of hell and when it was time to tell, no one said a word. BUT-you need to remember this is not your fault!! As far as the flashbacks, they will happen but these are things you work through with your therapist.

First you have to breathe and exhale. You deserve to live! I will tell you an old saying and it is one I repeat to myself everyday... Happiness is the best revenge! You deserve to be happy!

Does you wife know about this and is there a possibility she can go to therapy with you or get a better understanding of what is going on?

Keep in touch because it has been well over 30 years and I have been in therapy for about half of that; but I can tell you it does get better.

See if you can make it to one of the weekend retreats, and you will see how truly not alone you are and we are all brothers!


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#286402 - 05/05/09 07:18 PM Re: when will i be a survivor [Re: ErikMd]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Eric
I believe you were a survivor the moment you told someone it happened. You just don't feel like one yet.

I didn't feel like a survivor untill I started acting like one. Then I thought how does one act. I realized I am normal for what happened to me. It was the hardest deal in my life.

The men here understand your "acquire then you loose it" syndrome. Many of us have lost, abandoned or walked away from our life securities. Baffling tribulations, and yet other than the sexual trauma our lives are very fullfilling and all right.

Since you and your wife separated the grief must also be a source of unwanted emotion. I found my former wife couldn't handle the information and pain I wanted her to understand, so she could understand me, and it drove her perminantly away.

I sure hope for your success in getting to where life is good and the neverending affects will no longer disrupt your home or career.

Your young and you caught this evil sucker before further damage. The journey from here on will be rough at times but at least you will know where to find support when you can't see the trail.

I have searched from one end to another for resources and this is #1 for me when it comes to self-help in my custom suport network.

May you find the way to create peace, understanding and comfort

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#286407 - 05/05/09 08:44 PM Re: when will i be a survivor [Re: DannyT]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
Erik,
I was abused at the same ages, lost my family in a seperation at the age of 30... all has been restored. I am being made new slowly. Where you are at... it is surviving. Have hope, the path won't seem obvious but you are on it. It won't always feel good, hell it will often hurt but it can continuously improve and change for the good. If we are breathing we arr surviving.


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#286458 - 05/06/09 08:44 AM Re: when will i be a survivor [Re: sojourn111]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Welcome Erik,

You are brave and couragious. You are doing the next right thing. You are a survivor.

It is important that you take your time. A good recovey is a slow recovery (even though we want it all right now).

Read, research, and share when you are ready and be kind to yourself.

Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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#286516 - 05/06/09 07:34 PM Re: when will i be a survivor [Re: Juni]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Erik,

In all eternity (and that is a long time) we are all only a child once. And that is here on this earth for just a short time. A child needs to be nurtured in LIGHT and LOVE in the safe circle of a good family, not by the Stormy DARKNESS of the world. I am so sorry that you like me didn't have the family we needed, However you like me are a survivor and better for it!! I can feel your intent and heart in your post. You are stronger than you know. People love you! God is mindful of you. He knows your name.
“Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands” (Isa 49:16) “I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” (Matt 28:20) We are all with you!!

Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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