1. I've been having body memories of being raped off and on all day. I did a lot of work on those memories yesterday in therapy with chokra and energy work - quiet intense - and I'm glad for having done the work/therapy but the damn body memories won't quit and being at work all day means I get to just sit through waves of these feelings and pretend to everyone around me that nothing is going on, all the while I want to scream and cry.
2. I'm feeling very isolated. I know it's mostly self-imposed. I could call my therapist if I "had to" but I'm not in emergency mode and I don't want to waste her time. I could call a friend who knows my history but he just got back from vacation and this is probably the last thing he wants to think or talk about. I could talk to my wife but she has so much on her plate right now with her own family that I don't want to add to her stress. So I sit here with all these feelings and memories without much of an outlet and no healthy release in 'near' sight.
3. I haven't been on the MS site for over a month, maybe longer, and coming in here and just dropping all this crap on the website after not contributing to the site in several weeks seems pretty damn selfish.
4. I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot going for me so part of me feels like I shouldn't be posting at all. I've never been to an AA or NA meeting before but this post feels like if I were to go to an AA meeting and after everyone else talks about the costs of their battle with addiction, I stand up and say I'm drinking about a six pack a month. Maybe that's a bad analogy - like I said - never been to a meeting - but really - hell I don't know maybe I'm minimizing, maybe I'm maximizing - I have no idea. Wow so want to delete this.
5. I'm in a new place with my recovery (12th year overall) - I've recovered a lot of new memories in the last 6 months and while I was at the lowest mental/emotional/physical point of my life 3 months ago - I'm in a new place now and mostly it's a good place - I have a far deeper understanding of the abuse and I know what I need to do next (confront Mom again, disclose/confront brother, act on my recoevery experience, write more, maybe someday reach that "final" stage and more) but there are days I feel like I'm starting over again. These 'start overs' are shorter and shorter in duration but still quite intense.
6. Hi. My name is survivinguy and I'm a survivor of male childhood sexual abuse and incest. I feel like I need to say that about 100 times a day.
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.
Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012