My first sexual experience that I could remember happened when I was 5. My sister made my brother and me go to the bathroom. She said she was going give us something special and we should never tell anyone what sheís going to give us. I donít remember much but I remember she would make us lick her everywhere and hump her leg. She would make us do these things and sometimes more almost everyday till I was 9. I donít remember how or why it stopped.

When it stopped I still wanted more. I wanted more so I did what I have to find that feeling again. Every time my older siblings would sleep I would try to do the things my sister did to me. It went on for a little while but I stopped. One of my brothers caught me doing this and told our parents. They just thought I was curious about this things and nothing more.

When I was 10 or 11 some of my classmate would touch me a lot. They would try to hand job me. During that time I donít even think they know what they are doing. What I donít understand is why are they picking on me. When they said I should meet them in the rest room and they would give me a treat. I got scared and ran away from them. I didnít go to school for a week after that. They stopped after I was absent for a week.

I donít know why I got scared during that time. I thought I liked it. I thought as long as its feels good to me its okay. Maybe I always have known it was wrong, I donít really know.

When I turned 13 the next abuse started. I was walking around the park near my house. I decided to stop and rest for a little while and smoke. While I was smoking there was a guy that approached me asking if he could have some cigarettes. We talked for a while. I donít remember much about what we talk about. I donít remember how or why I let him, but he somehow manages to give me a blowjob. When he finished he asked me if I could give him one as well. I got scared; itís too much already so I ran back home.

A couple of months later my mom hired someone to do some work on our house. I fell a sleep in a couch. When I woke up the worker my mom hired was giving me a hand job.
I just freeze. He keeps trying to kiss me it was so disgusting. I thought I was going to puke. Then blank, I donít remember what he did next or what happened for it to stop. I just realize I was on my bed watching TV and it was all over

When I turn 14 I started smoking more and dinking more. I got drunk every night. It helps me sleep. I could never sleep with out alcohol in my system. During that time I didnít have nightmares or at least I donít remember any of my nightmares.

My sister and her boyfriend usually accompany me while I was drinking (sheís not a loud to bring her boyfriend at are house with out me there so she always go with me). She sometimes sleeps in my room as well because her room creeps her out at night.

One night she was sleeping in my room. I was drunk as usual. She tried to have sex with me but I manage to stop it. I was so grossed out. When I woke up the next day, I try not to think about it. I try to fool my self that itís just a dream even if I know its not.

When I turned 15 my best friend slept at my house. I was drunk as usual when I went to sleep. Then I woke up in the middle of the night w/ giving me a blowjob. I was shock my Best friend since 4 yrs old is doing this to me. He tries to enter me but I manage to stop him from doing it. I fall back to sleep since my head hurts and I was very dizzy. When I woke up I thought it was a dream but when I look at my chest that morning there was a kiss mark. I try not to think about it much. I try convincing my self itís just my imagination.

I went to his house to for our drinking session a few months after that. I got drunk and passed out. When I woke up I had a weird feeling that something. I realize that my shirt was tucked in (I don do that) and my ass feels weird. When I got back home I took a shower and I notice my ass was bleeding. Itís not that hard to figured out what he had done to me. 2 weeks after that I decided to stop drinking. I was very dependent to the alcohol anyway so itís good that I stop.

This yearÖ. I went to a birthday party. My ex best friend was there I didnít know he was coming. When I was about to go home he said if he could sleep over at my house. I was too sleepy to think and I said, "okay" by accident. When I got in the car,. I suddenly realize why did I say okay. I know it was a very big mistake. I planned to stay up all night to keep myself safe.

When we got home I said to my perp I was going to have a quick shower. I took a shower just to relax me a little. When I got to my room I saw my friend sleeping beside my little brother. I donít know why my little brother slept in my room. I donít know what to do then. I tried waking my little brother up but he wouldnít wake up. I also tried waking up my perp so he could move but he wouldnít wake up. I was starting to feel very dizzy from the stress and lack of sleep. I didnít want my little brother to be touched by my perp so I lay down between them. I try to stay awake as long as I could but eventually I fell a sleep. I woke up again in the middle of the night and he was doing sexual stuffs to me. He left right after he finished.

A couple of weeks after that my former best friend/ perp keeps coming to my house. My sister and my brother in law would drink at our house (which is almost every weekend). They would bring my perp w/ them. I would always lock my door or try to walk around the playground near my house. When my sister and her husband stopped drinking at our house. My perp would give me a surprise visit form time to time.

The most recent thing that happened to me was just a few days agoÖ. My perp/ former best friend keeps calling me. He tried calling me in different numbers so I wouldn't know it was him. He kept saying he misses me and he just wanted to go to my house. I always hang up on him when he called. When he got tired of calling me on the cell phone, He tried to call my brother a couple of times but I took the phone before he started calling, I had a feeling he'll call my brother so I took it for a while. After a while he stopped calling. I thought it was over but I spoke to soon. 20 mins later he went to my house. I told everyone not to let him in but no one listen. His a family friend so he can come to my house almost anytime. Lucky for me I can see anyone who comes in and out of the house from my room. So I locked the door. I called my brothers other phone to wake him up. When he woke up. I asked my brother to make HIM leave and he did.

I thought everything is over now I could relax and that I should stop panicking. After an hour or 2 a close friend called me. She said she wanna swim in my place and that she's not mad at me anymore. I instantly said yes you could come cause I really miss her but then after I said yes she said she ganna bring my perp. I wanted to say you can't come but she hangs up before I could say it. I tried calling her back but she's not answering it.

We all went swimming for a few hours. Then they decided we should start drinking. after a few shots I said to them I'm just ganna take a shower. I went to my room to get some of my stuff and then I went to the bathroom. When I got to the bathroom realized that I forgot to get my cigarette at my room (have a habit of smoking before I take a shower). When I got to my room I was surprise to see my perp lying down on my bed. I already know what he wants I tried to keep away but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me on to him. I don't know why the second he touches me I become weak and I freeze. He made me do stuff... let just leave it at that...


The scary part of my story is that this might not be the endingÖ

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When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.