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#286272 - 05/04/09 10:50 AM Needing my binky
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
Well fans, you know what happened when the eyes opened today. The thinker went to town. Immediately, i was thinking about medicating, but i didn't at first. As i try to recall the events, mind stuff, there is this blank.


The blank is good, I've always thought of it as bad. I saw Law and Order last night criminal intent. There was this character that fit my profile. He got shot, but the point is, it was said, he was damaged goods, couldn't keep it together

In childhood he was raised by a schizophrenic mother, untill her death when the boy was 7. After recalling this memory, i started thinking where's my binky?, where is it?. Chewing tobacco is my binky, there are two dynamics in play. One is a body craving for the chemical, the other is the euphoric feeling after chewing for a few minutes.

More blank space as i try to think how to write. Good, blank space is good. I said no, i will not pick up my binky. I walked around the house half naked, this is the cooling off that people always talk about. i.e. i'm going to go for a walk to cool off. Being hot headed is quite literal, the hot part, because it was cool in the house, but i wasn't cold.


More blank space, now i am the uncounscious observing the conscious thinker. Dumping coffee on top of anti anxiety medication is a mistake. Leads to panic in stressful situations. I was at the register yesterday and i paniced for a minute. I could sense the customer was in a hurry, there was a line of people, and i keyed in the wrong numbers. i got all nervous inside, not wanting to displease the customer then i yelled for my manager, it was relieving both to get the tension out and to know help was on the way.


Back to this morning, thinking about strength as a weapon, testosterone is a very good friend of mine. I watched a great fight last night, one of the guys out of the milititch camp beat the shit out of an opponent. The opponent was good, but the milititch guy was better. Feeling my own strength means i will fight eveything that i'm afraid of. There's nothing like squats to get that testosterone going, except maybe for staying inorgasmic. God i got to get back in the gym.


I'm reading a book on psychoanalysis and there is a lot of talk about the unconscious. I feel a lone and scared thinking that i need someone to make me laugh, i don't want to experience this solitude. I want comforting, where is my binky, oh yea, i used my binky for all it was worth and i still need comforting. Abiding in the unconscious is the new super binky. Perspective is helpful.


Why the need for a binky at all. The answer, comfort and security. It is well known throughout the drug recovery world that swithching addictions is common.

that's all for now



gus

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#286282 - 05/04/09 01:56 PM Re: Needing my binky [Re: Gus Bierer]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Gus,

I have a two year old daughter and she loves the hell out of her binky. Even calls it that too"binky". Her best friend in all the world. Hope one day she learns to leave her binky in her childhood and does not need to conitually find a new one as she grows up. As I had too.
Hope she will not be binky addict as I am.
Damn that sounds so silly but is so true.
I never grew out of the "binky stage".
Alcoholic
druggie
sex fien
binky addict

Thank you. you really gave me a laught today.

Mike



_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#286287 - 05/04/09 04:24 PM Re: Needing my binky [Re: Gus Bierer]
Moortje Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/20/09
Posts: 104
Loc: Oregon
Gus,

Very interesting post. I see what you mean by finding a "binky" for each stage of life.

Of course, the funny thing is that I still sleep with my actual binky. I've had the same yellow security blanket since I was born, and I still sleep with it every night, and I do mean every night. After 22 years of love, the poor thing is now mostly a cobweb of tatters.

Going on a camping trip as a kid? Had to take Blankie. Going to a friend's house to get trashed and crash on News Years Eve 2008? Yep, on the way to his house I had a bottle of Jack Daniel's under one arm, Blankie under the other.

The odd thing is how it's never consciously been an issue for me. My parents never tried to wean me off of it, and I never felt embarrassed about admitting I slept with it as I got older; in a way, I developed a kind of proud defiance about it.

The point in my life in which I can remember developing a deep emotional attachment to my Blankie was around age 7 or 8, when the "bad stuff" was likely starting. When I was in my bed with my Blankie, he was my shield. I was safe.


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#286288 - 05/04/09 05:13 PM Re: Needing my binky [Re: Moortje]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
Matt and Mike


Thanks so much for your response. I think i'm getting down to something in my present behavior, by looking at comfort and security issues. I also think that there are coping mechanisms that are somewhat useful, and i should exhaust those before i go into the more dangerous ones.


I really like the books by eckhart tolle, and xanax, but anyway, Eckhart teaches me to enjoy the periods of non thought. He's got a whole bunch to say about it, but sometimes when I want security and comfort and it's hard to sit in the silence. It was so silent when i was a real little boy and i didn't like it. I think that's when i developed a condition of an over thinking (talking) head.

The onion starts to peel away


Gus

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