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#285888 - 04/30/09 07:21 PM On the subject of friends.....
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I have few real friends. I mean Real Friends. When I saw the following I thought of you guys and you know who you are. I thought it would be interesting to share these and feel free to share some of your own thoughts on this subject. Most of us do not make friends easily. Some do not feel they need them but ......

Friends are God's way of apologizing for our families. ( my personal fav.)

It's the ones you can call up at 4 AM that matter. ..Marlene Dietrich

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Walter Winchell

The best mirror is an old friend, George Herbert

R



Edited by Freedom49 (04/30/09 07:25 PM)

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#286002 - 05/01/09 04:23 PM Re: On the subject of friends..... [Re: Freedom49]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Originally Posted By: Freedom49
I have few real friends. I mean Real Friends. When I saw the following I thought of you guys and you know who you are. I thought it would be interesting to share these and feel free to share some of your own thoughts on this subject. Most of us do not make friends easily. Some do not feel they need them but ......

Friends are God's way of apologizing for our families. ( my personal fav.)

It's the ones you can call up at 4 AM that matter. ..Marlene Dietrich

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Walter Winchell

The best mirror is an old friend, George Herbert

R



Freedom49, thank you for starting this topic. This hits so close to home. In my life I seem to make acquaintances. Especially now that I'm in college I can't seem to establish friends or make friends. I thought by moving to another state and starting over I could create this whole new life for myself, so far it ain't happening. I like your quotes. I think they are all true and funny.

I'd love to be able to have a close male friend in my life. I've tried to make some close male friends down here but it always seems and feels like I'm making all the effort. I get so tired of that an then just give up on the potential relationship cause I don't feel like they are meeting me half way, a quarter of the way. Not at all.

I've often wondered if I push guys away for fear of getting hurt. I've also come to realize not fully loving and accepting myself for who I am is what holds me back in my life. The old saying if you can't love yourself how can you expect to love anyone else is so very true.

People I meet all the time tell me what a kind, generous, overall nice guy and that they like me. So why can't I go any farther with these people.

I think a big part of it has do with the fact that I have hang ups about my sexuality and fear of my sexuality, fear of showing myself, opening up those deep wounds to others, so I just build walls and walls around me. Just high enough so people can say Hi but not low enough for anyone to get in.

I really hate this about myself. I want to be able to love myself to really love another person, unapologetically. I want to be able to hold that person's hand and really feel connected to another soul in our world. Have someone to call my own.

This is where it gets problematic, how can I learn to love myself? Do I need a trained professional, do I need a good book, what is the answer to this question, this may be holding me back.

And while this is good that I have some idea of what I'd like it doesn't have all the answers and holding myself back or denying feelings won't change things.

I have to love Charlie for Charlie, not for what the world wants him to be, expects him to be, wishes he were, just love him unapologetically without fear.

Well I thank you for allowing me the time to ramble and add my thoughts to your topic. Again thank you for starting such a thought provoking topic.

Charlie.


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#286014 - 05/01/09 06:13 PM Re: On the subject of friends..... [Re: Charlie24]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
F-49,

Good topic.
Most of my life I have had a few close friends. But being in a military family we would usualy only live in place for 2 0r 3 years before we moved to the next town. So I never learned what it was like to have any long term attactments to my friends. Basically my friends were with those I had somehing in common, as a kid it was sports. In high school it was with those kids who drank and used as I did. So my friendships were shallow and based on what we could get from each other.
In the Marine Corps I had quite a few friends but here also alot of our activites revolved around drinking and using. But with both groups I have not had any interaction for years with anyone. Even when I go back home to N.C. for vacations and I know how to find them. I don't bother because I no longer have anything in common with them.
In AA I made several friends and we were close at one time in our recovery but here also as we marrried and moved I have lost contact with them. Most of my long term friendships have been with women. Easier to be emotionally honest with them.
I do have one long term male friendship but we only talk a few times a year. But we are really comfortable around each other and have struggled with alot of the same issues in life. we are real accepting of each other need not to be judgemental of where the other maybe.
Too me it seems to be really difficult in the businessness of life to have any real quality time for making and maintaining any truely close friendships. With being a husband,father.employee and homeowner these things take up most of my time and energy.
But I still struggle getting to know others if we don't work together or have other thing in common. But these friends are very surificial and swallow.
In situations were I have to be venerable and open to interacting with people I don't know. I find these siuations to be almost unbearable and will usually aviod allowing myself to be place there. Is this normal? I don't know. Even thu I know lots of other people who are the same way.
I would like to find more close friendships. Just need to risk the uncomforableness and fear that I feel when intiating new friendships.Plus give the reqiured energy and commitment to maintain these friendships.
Here at m/s I have made friendships at this site. People whom I care about and whom I choose to be emotionally honest with in my recovery. but have never meet face to face. I have meet a couple of the guys in person thu Wor's and one here in Ca when he visted his mother.
Are internet friendships considered to be real relationships because of the lack of face to face contact. I know I invested alot of time and energy into these friendships. But are they real friendships. Some of my problem is I am not sure what really makes a relationship a friendship. Or vice versa.

Mike

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#286017 - 05/01/09 06:47 PM Re: On the subject of friends..... [Re: Charlie24]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Charlie,
I would definately find a therapist and work though the stuff that keeps holding you back. You can see some of what the problem is. I can tell that by your post. But we all have huge blind spots that trouble us and sometimes only an objective eye can see. That eye can help find the balance and the way to safely reach out and find that special someone. Give it a try. You deserve it.


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#286018 - 05/01/09 06:58 PM Re: On the subject of friends..... [Re: michael banks]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Mike,
When I got married the last time. I contemplated what to give my best man. My brother in law to be. I hoped for a close relationship with him to develop as time went on but I knew it would take some effort on our parts. I chose a bonsai tree. A small one. The note I gave him with it was that it was to represent our friendship. It would need to be watered and cared for on a weekly and at first daily basis just like our friendship. Eventually it would need to be pruned and shaped to be enjoyable again maybe like our friendship.

Well, it was a lot to ask of a shallow jock and it was not long till he let it die. Again just like our friendship. I found it difficult to maintain without his assistance.

I think friends are the same way. If you want a good friendship it has to be cared for like that tree. Same with a good marriage etc. Nothing falls in your lap. The effort is worth it.


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#286302 - 05/04/09 08:42 PM Re: On the subject of friends..... [Re: Freedom49]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Roger,

Why is it we seem to be drawn to the least capable people in choosing to try and become friends with. Is it too make sure we fail? Or just too plain scared to have real friends.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#286323 - 05/05/09 01:06 AM Re: On the subject of friends..... [Re: michael banks]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Mike,
I think it is the second reason. I think for me it was that popular handsome, and successful happy people intimidated me. I felt I would not be able to live up to what they had. I felt I would just end up a leach to them draining off their happiness and joy by being around me. I was so needy. I know at times I would try to be as upbeat and full of life as they were but the crap inside me would eventually eat it away and they would see it and end up asking me "Hey guy whats wrong you look down."
I hated that. I didn't want to be the needy one and yet I was dying inside.

So I ended up being drawn to people that seemed needier than me. That made me feel better and provided me with company. It was not satisfactory relationship but I felt it was all I was really capable of handling successfully.

sigh.

Where is my ice cream?


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#286423 - 05/05/09 11:10 PM Re: On the subject of friends..... [Re: Freedom49]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
That first one definitely hit me hard. Thanks brother.

Much love,
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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