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#28518 - 12/17/02 02:26 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
There's some good stuff on this thread !

My crappy couple of days ended up with me going online for porn for the first time in over 12 months.

And it made me realise some of the things many of you say here.
I hadn't made love or masturbated for nearly 2 weeks, so I had a regular sense of sexual frustration for a start.
Add to that some stress and depression - not much - just Christmas and car repair bills, and I was primed and ready to go. Which I did.

But now I feel ok, the frustration has gone and I feel better all round, maybe one thing was feeding the other ?
I made a determined effort not to feel guilty about it, and I pretty much succeeded. Although the guilt did show slightly in me thinking "what can I do to cancel it out, make it good again ?"
I was kinda thinking - if I do something good and decent I will feel better about myself and the guilt will go away.

RUBBISH !!!!
I tried that for 30 years, so I sit here now NOT feeling the slightest bit guilty about looking at online porn and making like Popeye !
Although I am going to make a determined effort to refrain from the porn again.

Wifey mentioned the sleep disorders, and I have sleep aponea, and like Sleepy I wake up ready to go into action.
But I now have a Cpap machine to help me sleep properly, which it does wonderfuly, and I still wake up the same.

I developed the sleep disorder at the time the abuse took place in my early teens, and it's stayed with me. My doc' said it was unusual to have started with it so young, maybe there's a connection ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#28519 - 12/17/02 03:33 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Dave, I also have sleep apnea, just dx'd a couple years ago after my fibro dx (fibro almost always comes with a sleep disorder), and use a C-PAP, which helps, tho not as much lately; "seasonal service," I guess... :rolleyes:

I now know that I too had sleep apnea starting in very early childhood (everyone called it "being a light sleeper") and that it doubtless goes back to my early SA, as does the FM.

SMP, I meant to tell you how much I appreciate your timely & timeless mathematics! Now that's the kind of math even I can understand!

Take care guys

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#28520 - 12/17/02 05:30 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Can't say that I ever thought masterbation was a problem. As a teenager 3 or 4 times a day was the norm. From mid 20s till mid 40s - maybe minimum once a day & sometimes twice. Now that I'm almost 52, hey once a day will do. I've always considered it normal. My eye sight is fine and I don't seem to have any excessive hair on my palms, as for insanity ... the jury is still out... but I understand there are wonderful meds out there to bring me around if I go over the top and start drooling. Seriously tho, I don't really see a problem unless it becomes profoundly self abusive and you start getting abrasions and sores from your vigorous enthusiasm. I remember when I was about 17 years old a bunch of us guys were all drinking beer and teasing one of our pals about how often he jerked off. An informal (don't know how accurate) poll was taken and it turns out that most of us guys at that age were jerking off at least 3 times a day. And as far as I know, none of them except myself were ever sexually abused. I am interested on what the data might be on the connection between people who were sexually abused and FM. FM and osteoarthritis are the two things that beat the hell out of me every day of my life.


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#28521 - 12/17/02 06:44 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I slipped off the side of the wagon last week. I won't say I fell off the wagon, just slipped off the side. Dragged one foot on the ground. Held on for dear life. And still holding.

I have masturbated as long as I can remember until this past May when I was caught by my wife in a photo exchange with a woman online, and I was forced to confront the effect of my acting out on our relationship. I had masturbated only once since then, then...

This past week I went to the peep show, and masturbated while I watched the naked girl. This is not good for me, but the experience was not as devastating as I expected. I am scared, however, because, like cigarettes or alcohol, sex is a clever beast; it can fool the brain into thinking sex can be 'controlled.' And I am very susceptible to its call right now.

My wife and I are in very difficult times - the holidays and a death in her family have not helped. Let's not forget that I 'cheated' on her online. Trust is at a premium, and I haven't got the cash to pay it.

I want so badly to masturbate, if only to relieve stress, or, as I have put it before, to lessen my almost constant feeling of powerlessness. But I think it is a slippery slope (hey, double entendre anyone?) to more.

On the other subject, I have been dx'd (is that 'diagnosed?' all this shorthand: T's, dx, rx, fm; I can't keep up) with sleep apnea, but haven't suffered my first effects in almost three years effects last Thursday. I had an attack so bad I awoke, mid gasp (that is not a strong enough word for the vehement inhale of air I was attempting) to my wife screaming at me, which triggered an anxiety attack that I recovered from hours later, and only after a 911 call.

Man, those ambulance guys, "We can give you a ride to the hospital, but they won't do anything. It is up to you." Thanks, dude, they oughtta give you a medal for bedside manner. Did I mention that I feel like I am going to pass out, and that if I do pass out, I know I won't be able to breathe, JUST LIKE I COULDN'T BREATHE THE LAST TWO SECONDS I WAS ASLEEP?? Mightn't that be a reasonable causality for the anxiety? Douche nozzle? Douche nozzle - man, I love that as an insult...but I digress.

These things are connected, I know they are. How they are connected, I do not know. But these cannot be coincidences. Right?

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#28522 - 12/17/02 07:19 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Yes, back to the 21st century and away from the spiritual and moral implications of masturbation.

Ken,
Quote:
In all seriousness, from what you describe, the behavior is one that no longer has a legitimate function but serves only to numb you out from your feelings. The end result is keeping you in a cycle of self-defeating behaviors, from what it sounds like.
You are absolutly correct. Although I feel it may be a little different for me. I was sexually abused by my sister when I was 5. Truthfully, I really enjoyed it and I've tried to recreate those feelings in one way or another for the past 20 years. So I see this behavior as a way of trying to maintain those enjoyable feelings. But you are correct in that it no longer serves any legitimate function. I feel as though the side effects numb any real feelings that I may have. A couple of years ago I had a near mental crisis. Triggered by a somewhat gay scene in a movie, I came to the realization that my sexual orientation was in serious doubt. I have never viewed myself as being gay, but it has been very hard to understand those feelings when I have these automatic responses in the morning that make me think about past women when I masturbate.

Roy's analysis seems to be very much on target:
Quote:
Another thought to consider is whether masturbation might be a way of subconsciously avoiding dealing with your sexuality directly. If you are always releasing the biological "pressure", the real desire may never build to such a crescendo that it requires your full undivided attention.
This may be the case. Even if it isn't this cycle makes it impossible for me to enguage in any real heterosexual relationships. For example, if a woman does show interest in me I do not have any stronge urges to have sex with her. I would rather go home and beat off. Maybe it is safer for me to do that or maybe I'm not heterosexual and I'm only conditioned to beat off to women. These are things that run through my head. I just know that this behavior is distracting me from developing normally.

Like Andrew-Almost52, I've never thought masturbation was inherently bad. I still beat off all the time in all manners of ways. It's just that now I see this automatic resopnse to pleasuring myself in the morning as being a bit of a distraction. I don't feel that I have much control over it. It's the same repetitive thoughts day in and day out. Anyway, we all need to have that release in some fashion. And like Dave has alluded to how do we release in a healthy way.

Wifey1,
Contrary to my nick name, I don't have any sleep disorders. My name was an old nick name given to me in college.
Thanks,
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#28523 - 12/17/02 07:28 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Yeah, I'm with Andrew and a few others - I have no problem ( guilt ) with masturbating. I know it's normal, gives me pleasure and stops me exploding \:D

The problems I have are with the fantasy / acting out rituals that I used to use ( and did again today ) and that I dont make love with my wife as often as I would like.

So one affects the other, I don't have sex - I jack off. Then I dont have sex 'because' I've jacked off.
Then I get pissed off - depressed and go looking for the ultimate jack off with long periods of fantasy ( this one lasted 3 days in every moment I could devote to it ) and acting out ( porn etc ) which I remember all too clearly from about 5 to 10 years back when I lived with this day in - day out.

I know how you feel Cement, dragging a foot off the wagon reminds me of how I was, and how much I dont want to go back there.

I'm scared shitless of going back, and I hope that these occasional foot dragging episodes are nothing more than a reminder of why I'm still trying to get better.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#28524 - 12/17/02 07:36 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Cement
when I was wired up for the sleep aponea tests I recorded 42 'significant sleep pauses' in one hour. I think I averaged about 30.

I noticed the difference my Cpap machine made the next day after getting it, I was no longer driving my Land Rover by feel as I bounced off verges and kerbs and was suddenly awakened ! I wouldn't be without it now.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#28525 - 12/17/02 08:13 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Thanks, Dave.

James
(I always forget to put my name...so much better when i do, huh?)

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#28526 - 12/17/02 09:17 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
This is such a good thread. Masturbation was the way the abuse started with me, or at least confiding in the perp with questions about it. He was like an older brother to me and I realize now that he was the one guiding the conversations to that 'forbidden subject'. I have masturbated ever since and most times felt very guilty afterwards. What causes me the most guilt is what I fantasize about during the masturbation not the act itself.

For the last couple of years our sex life has been pretty sporadic. When attempts at sex with my wife were not met I resorted to jerking off. I felt justified doing this but somehow I think that I just didn't put enough effort into having sex with my wife. It doesn't take much to get her out of the mood and it seems that our libidos are seldom in sync.

Regarding the sleep disorders, I've always been a 'light sleeper'. I wake up a couple of dozen times a night and I toss and turn all night too. I've never been wired up in a sleep lab but it's something that I really don't want to deal with right now. I've got enough health problems to last me awhile.

Take care,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#28527 - 12/17/02 10:36 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
smp Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/16/02
Posts: 3
Loc: Jerusalem, Israel
I would like to point out that no one ever got depressed because they didn't masturbate and instead spent time with their *healthy* friends or wife. I would like to point out that no one ever got tired or mentally confused by not masturbating. I'd also like to point out that there is a very real physical and mental focus resulting from attending to sexual needs that takes away from focus on other things...(As with any activity)...If sexuality strengthens the love and bond with one's spouse..then it's a trade off for the other things one might have spent time doing..obvious, in balance, a worthwhile one. But if you are not bonding with your spouse..so then there is no trade off..it's a complete loss without gain. We of course have all been trained to use masturbation for "sexual release" and such...but it is clear..the only thing that masturbation releases..is a desire for more sexual activity..(that's true of all forms of sexual contact...) But it is unchecked when it does not involve sacrifice (i.e. service) to another human being, and, of course, God. Can I say "God" here? Sorry if I'm not allowed to, and I won't do it again then.


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