I think I have to disagree about it just being fear or lack of confidence. I mean, I guess it could be that, but for me that paralysis is something that completely shuts me down mentally which fear by it's self doesn't usually do.
**T** The last time I got raped I was terrified because I had already been shot once in my life and I was sure I was going to get shot again, but I still was able to keep thinking somewhat whereas at another time when I was starting to be abused in a sexual situation, there was no fear, but I got triggered and somehow just turned into a mindless zombie for a moment.
I think when a person is abused at a young age, they develop conditioned responses to survive but then later those responses can be triggered again and set you up for more abuse.
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS!!! This was done to you long before you were old enough and big enough to do anything about it. I strongly doubt that courage or lack of it had anything to do with it.
You sound to me like a very tough and courageous young man and I doubt you could have been taken advantage of unless there was a conditioned response kicking in that you had no control over.
So I think you should give yourself a break for not reacting the way you would have wanted to, and I also think you should take any steps necessary to make sure such a situation never happens again because even though you feel like you can handle it better next time, you don't really know for certain what your actual reaction might be.
Most wild animals are very smart about the way they deal with humans; they always maintain a certain distance so that whatever happens they always have a head start. I think people who have been abused need to be that way with abusers too any way they can, because otherwise, the abuser has the advantage of the vulnerabilities that the abuse created.