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#285300 - 04/25/09 06:04 AM Body Memories *Trigger Warning*
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
I'm sorry to even make this Post, but I'm at my wit's end with this.
I know what 'Body Memories' are. Hell, I've been dealing with them for many years now.
But something 'New' has been happening, and I can't find anything Posted/Shared on it.

Please be warned, the following is just,,, gross.

I have nightmares every evening. I wake-up sweating, body contorted, muscles cramped and blood in my mouth from biting either my tongue, or my lips/cheeks in reliving the horrible things that happened to me.

But 'THIS' is something new, and extremely upsetting...

When I was SA'd,,, my body reacted to the rapes by,,,, (aw, hell... There's just no polite way to say this),,, "Expressing/Defecating"...

I wake up now, soiled in my bed...

I HATE excrement! I loathe it, with an obsession that is just,,,, extreme...

I've actually went so far as to obtain 'Adult Diapers', to sleep in...

Damn it!...

HOW much more humility/shame do I have to endure!!!???

I'm terrified to try and talk to a 'New' Dr., that knows nothing about my history (I've moved to an entirely new location, and am trying to rebuild my Life)...

I'm sorry for Posting this...

But I'm desperate, and hope that maybe, just maybe, somebody else has had to deal with this, and might be able to help me with, and overcome it?

:: Shamed beyond words ::

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#285304 - 04/25/09 09:01 AM Re: Body Memories *Trigger Warning* [Re: Whicker]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
(((Whicker)))

There's no shame, man. This is just another manifestation of body memory. It's not something that you are responsable for or something that you make happen.

Most survivors are loath to talk about this aspect of the CSA legacy, but I assure you that you are not alone.

As an eleven year old boy I was often gang-raped by three and four teenage boys - one right after the other. They wouldn't even give me a chance to expel before the next guy took his turn at me.

Long story short, by the time that they were finished using me, my guts had turned to water and everything inside me would just explode from my body causing me excrutiating pain and a terrible sense of humiliation due to the noise and the mess that all could witness.

Fast forward forty years and still today, if I'm stressed or in emotional turmoil or if I'm feeling afraid (I have social phobia), my guts turn instantly to liquid and there is such a pressure in my instestines that many times I have only just make it to the bathroom where I sit in agony and often in a cold sweat.

More than one night I have woken up with a liquid mess underneath me. I cry each time. I was raped when I was eleven - I don't deserve to have these manifestaions all these many years later.

I HAVE talked to my doctor and have explained to her all of my abuse history - she doesn't see the connection. So, I went for all the humiliating tests that she ordered up to be told at the end of all that, that they can find no reason for the symptoms I describe. F*** her.

Talk to other male survivors, though, and many will tell you about having repeated intestinal problems.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#285312 - 04/25/09 10:20 AM Re: Body Memories *Trigger Warning* [Re: joelRT]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Wicker and Joel,

I can understand this. I believe this is a physiological response to the nightmares and emotional distress you are going through. The bowels are very suseptible to emotional distress. Continue to work through your therapy with your T. Compensate anyway you can. Diaper at night is a good option right now but know that as you get to a place of peace with what happened and are able to work through the trauma this too will go away. There is hope ahead. Hang in there.

On a practical note watch what you eat. Anything that can give you loose stools avoid, such as an excess of fruit or dairy. You don't have to cut those things out of your diet just reduce the intake and ingest more grains and peanut butter and stuff that will harden the stool.

In your case I would avoid ice cream :-(


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#285315 - 04/25/09 10:48 AM Re: Body Memories *Trigger Warning* [Re: Freedom49]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Originally Posted By: Freedom49
In your case I would avoid ice cream :-(
You'll excuse while I go throw myself off a bridge laugh No ice cream? C'mon man, have a freakin' heart already!

I appreciate what you're saying about diet and proper nutrition, and I have been very carefull to research what foods to avoid and what foods to best incorporate and while I'm certainly healthier for having made these changes, in regards what we are originally talking about it makes not one iota of difference.

This loosening of the intestines happens in an instant - no fore warning and extremely little control over how much time you have to get to the bathroom (while awake that is), it's not like say, you can hold for five minutes 'till you get off the phone or whatever else. No, rather it's called "run, now!"

I have another friend on the site who has the very same problem. This one of those very severe body memories that has now turned into a permanent physical condition due to long years of habituation.

As I'm sure you can imagine, those of us who have this condition have tried everything under the sun to remedy this.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#285359 - 04/25/09 09:39 PM Re: Body Memories *Trigger Warning* [Re: joelRT]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
Whicker
Let me start by saying I didnt find your post gross because what happens is a body reaction to your CSA. My heart goes out to you and to Joel. the abuse was bad enough and to have this happen is a terrible concequent. I am proud of you for putting this out there our secrets make the effects of abuse worse, and this is no longer a secret.
Dusty


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#285371 - 04/26/09 12:26 AM Re: Body Memories *Trigger Warning* [Re: joelRT]
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
joelRT,

Damn, but it was so good to hear positive feedback on this topic... I was terrified of checking, afraid of what the response could've been.

In my years of researching CSA/SA, I've learned that it is a normal reaction by the body to do this right after the abuse... The frustrating part, is that even after SO many damn years,,, it's happening again, and I just can't STOP IT! :-(

My history with Dr.'s/T's/Counselors is WAY less than stellar/positive. I've been outright insulted, called a liar, told "You just dreamed about it," and my BEST smart-assed reply was, "You have an active imagination. These things couldn't possibly have really happened!" Oh yeah, asshole? Lemme show you SOME of the friggin' scars that ARE visible!...

Grrrrrrr...

So, I don't do T./Counseling face-to-face any longer. It is too embarassing, and I end up loosing it, which just makes everything worse... The closest (and in so many ways, the BEST method!) I can manage is right here, online, amongst others who have had similar things happen, and KNOW just how damn REAL it is!...

But, I'm so sick-and-tired of this happening, and though I write/Journal till my hand cramps-up, trying to work-out my demons just isn't working this go around, and I'm feeling like I have no choice BUT to go through the horrible process of talking, again, to a 'New' Dr., again, and all the side-affects such a conversation is going to cause... I've taken every OTC anti-diarrheal medicine there is, to no avail. I've adjusted my diet, again with almost no positive effect. I well know what you are saying about being stressed, and then having to visit the nearest restroom FAST (and the REALLY bad times are when I don't make it, and have to drive back home immediately... damnit...) If all I can get is a>
_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#285372 - 04/26/09 12:29 AM Re: Body Memories *Trigger Warning* [Re: Freedom49]
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Freedom49,

I read all the responses before I started replying back in kind, and sorta combined your advice to my follow-up with Joel...

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond. Everything you shared is spot-on, and I pray each and every night that you are 100% correct, in that Peace will one day cross paths with me again...


Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#285373 - 04/26/09 12:33 AM Re: Body Memories *Trigger Warning* [Re: Dusty Boy]
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Dusty Boy,

Thanks for your understanding and compassion... It really, really means a lot to me (and I'm sure to all who share painful things, and find positive and supportive responses!)...

Well, I've thrown this secret out into the 'Light-of-Day', so to speak... I hope its like a vampire, and can now be turned to dust, and blown-away in the Winds of the terrible Past?...

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#286718 - 05/08/09 05:53 AM Re: Body Memories *Trigger Warning* [Re: Whicker]
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
*******TRIGGERING, SI,,, HOSPITALIZATION *******

I went to the Dr. Monday morning.
I couldn't just say it out loud, so I wrote him a brief note explaining what was happening to me.
All I asked for was his help.

He never addressed the medical issues.
No advice, no offer of Rx meds that MIGHT help alleviate the intestinal troubles. (I explained in my note that I've tried every OTC option there is, and am in fact overdosing on what I can get, to no avail...)

No advice about diet, or stress...

No,,,,

"It is all in your head...."

Well, no shit...

So,,,, inner pain/turmoil wasn't enough. I showed him the new lacerations on my arms (not requiring sutures, as I didn't want to 'Go there' with the medical system), but numbering almost 100 slices, upper and under forearms...

He gave me a 'Stress Test Evaluation' sheet.

Ludicrous...

Because I'm on SS/SSI, and only have Medicare/Medicaid (whichever the hell it is),,, and I make TOO much money to qualify for County Aid, but not enough to afford any of the insane number(s) of 'Plan D' options,,,,

he couldn't do anything, unless I was in serious crises....

Fine by me....

I filled-out his friggin' form, then opened-up my wallet, removed the blade I keep within, and gave him 'Serious'....

I made it home this evening, after a 72 (+) hour hold...

Wanna know something incredibly funny/ironic?

When they put you in restraints,,, they make you wear a diaper....

Amazing....

All this time, all I ever needed was to cuff myself to my rack, and all would be 'Well'?.....

Home now... Don't know how long I'll have one...

I still have to deal with my Landlady, who, thank the Divine, at least fed my Critters while I was,,,, away....

After everything,,,,

just,,,,

goddamn.....

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#287168 - 05/12/09 03:15 AM Re: Body Memories *Trigger Warning* [Re: Whicker]
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Hello again everyone,

It's not fair to Post a topic, and then such a negative one, w/o also sharing any 'Good' news that comes along.
So here goes.

I've been blessed in finding a Counselor who happens to be the Pastor at the one-and-only church in the new town I moved to.
He has decades of experience, and formal education in both psychiatry and psychology (though he is not a Dr./Ph.D himself), and a TON of experience in helping people with mental health, abuse issues.

I met with him Saturday afternoon.
This is only the second time, in almost 8 years, that I've met with someone I felt a sense of 'Trust' towards. He is compassionate, non-judgemental, and while obviously Christian (a Path I do not personally walk, at least at this time?), he did not try to preach to, or at me, for which I was/am eternally grateful.
We meet every Tuesday afternoon, and he is going to try and help, through his own contacts, in finding me a Dr. who WILL be proactive in prescribing medications that will help.

When Linda died, May of '07 (another trigger I didn't realize was happening, till my latest hospitalization, when I had OH-SO much time to think/reflect),,, that 'Light at the end of my tunnel' was also snuffed-out.
From that point on, it was pure survival, and determination to make it, to bring our surviving Critters BACK under mine-own care, and to live up to Linda's fighting spirit and fierce determination to live herself.

Thank You all, sincerely, for having listened (read), replying, offering advice, and as always, your understanding support.

May Divinity Bless and Keep You all well!

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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