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#285208 - 04/24/09 12:53 PM A new memory and now I'm terrified.
Chucky74 Offline


Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 17
Loc: Australia
This has really freaked me out and I'd like to know what everyone thinks.
Earlier today I was grocery shopping. I saw some random kid in his soccer uniform with his mum. Nothing unususal about that. But for some reason something felt wrong with the picture. I put it down to me being paranoid and forgot about it. Later this evening while i was in the shower,(why does this always happen to me in the shower?) i was hit with a memory that I have never had before. I have very few memories of my childhood as i suffer from a dissociative state and most of it is missing.(I say most, but really mean all, but for a few scraps.)
Ok so its the first day at a new school and I'm about 10. While playing soccer during recess I take a very powerful shot to the head from the ball and I guess am partially stunned. One of the teachers leads me from the field to the school sick room. He checks me for concussion which I don't have. This is where the memory gets scary. Then he quickly checks the rest of me, running his hands all over me, inside my clothes. He says I'll be fine and should just rest quietly till class starts. Thats where the memory ends.
This is the first time I have ever had this memory. I have immense trouble dealing with the stuff that I know about, that happened to me as a child. Because there is so much missing, are there more repressed memories hiding in there somewhere? The really terrifying part is that the stuff that I know about is horrifying. Could my head be full of stuff that is even worse? I'm really scared.


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#285210 - 04/24/09 01:14 PM Re: A new memory and now I'm terrified. [Re: Chucky74]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Chucky my brother;

I get rattled by vague feelings or senses of memories from time to time, and from my experience it is always good to get through them... Forcing them is risky; however, taking the actions to put my self in a safe place or see my T on it (we to EMDR, which works quite well for me... Safe and it at the least takes the edge off). I have also come to believe that my brains protective denial mechanism only allows these memories to come up as I heal and there is hope that I can deal with them... If I stay connected and engage my various supports I find I am able to deal with them without too much colatteral damage.

Stay connected and heal my friend.

Your Brother of the Wounds; Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#285222 - 04/24/09 02:50 PM Re: A new memory and now I'm terrified. [Re: wes-b]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Chucky,

One thing that helps me a lot when I'm anxious is a very simple before sleep meditation. I breathe really deeply and run my hands lightly over myself saying very quietly and soothingly, "it's OK, it's OK, it's OK" (or something similar). Over and over again, until the rhythm of it puts me to sleep. Sometimes I add, "That was long ago, and I'm safe now. It's OK, It's OK..."

The past stuff inside our heads is just past stuff. Hopefully in your present moment you are safe. That present moment is the reality, and the past is just memory we hold on to too long.

Hope you feel better soon.

Danny


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#285231 - 04/24/09 04:53 PM Re: A new memory and now I'm terrified. [Re: DannyT]
Chucky74 Offline


Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 17
Loc: Australia
My safe place... funny how those words feel at the moment. I thought I would be safe in sleep. Instead I wake up from fighting something (i know not what)in my dreams. I'm soaked in sweat, I've somehow ended up on the floor, my room is a mess, both my hands hurt like I've been hitting something and i think i may have punched myself in the face, (maybe to wake myself up?) my nose is bleeding. I'm so overwhelmed with fear that I have to put on some music so the house isn't so quiet. This sucks. I've never been this scared before. I'm unraveling faster than a cheap sweater and I've got no idea what to do.


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#285236 - 04/24/09 05:33 PM Re: A new memory and now I'm terrified. [Re: Chucky74]
risingsun Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 9
.



Edited by risingsun (05/20/09 01:19 AM)

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#285238 - 04/24/09 05:54 PM Re: A new memory and now I'm terrified. [Re: Chucky74]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Its like someone bigger and older putting their hands all over you without your permission when you need them most.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#285270 - 04/24/09 08:43 PM Re: A new memory and now I'm terrified. [Re: Chucky74]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Originally Posted By: Chucky74
I've never been this scared before. I'm unraveling faster than a cheap sweater and I've got no idea what to do.
(((Chucky)))
As odd as this may sound - because of how frightened you are - this is a good thing that is happening to you. Good in the sense that your long repressed memories are finally surfacing which means that you 'll be able to deal with your past so as to put it behind you and move on without the pain of it. The fear that you remember today is the fear that you felt in the past at the the time of the trauma - it is not today's fear. Keep that formost in your mind and you will be fine.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#285286 - 04/24/09 11:47 PM Re: A new memory and now I'm terrified. [Re: joelRT]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Hi Chucky,

I know how you feel. Memories are mysterious. I was sexually abused by a gym/swimming teacher from eight to ten. From eight to nineteen, I didn't know I had been, or was being abused. It's understandable. Following the abuse, I had a very fragile grasp on reality. I had withdrawn into a fantasy world, rarely spoke, lost any social skills. Still, fragments had always been with me: being kept back from the swimming pool, being with him in the locker room, being taken away, somewhere, after our class photo, being taken away, somewhere, during lunch.

"You're a butterfingers." He told me once, tauntingly, in private, after I had dropped a ball during a baseball game. Under what circumstances? Where were we? What had just happened between us? It's frustrating. It's eerie what my mind suppresses. It's terrifying to know all the things I can't remember.

I had a similar situation to yours during college. I was having lunch with someone I really liked. It seemed as if love would finally come to me, after years of loneliness and complete isolation. I was full of emotion, joy.

Suddenly, I was looking up at the pedophile. He took off my glasses and I smiled.

That was it. An image emerged out of nowhere. Or, I wished it was out of nowhere. It was tied to sentiments of love, adoration. That's what chilled me to the bones, and continues to disturb me. Did it feel like "love" when I was eight? Is that why I've blotted it out? Will love forever be entangled with rape?

Of the explicit, sexual memories, I only have one. A snippet. A second. Enought to hurl me into a frenzy. Enough to make me want to scream. I also think, maybe, someone was there once, a classmate. Everytime I think of him, I feel so guilty. I feel like puking, and I don't know why.

What can I say? It's like a past life that haunts me. The more I remember, the more I want to forget. Don't be afraid. You're not alone. All of us understand. You're safe now. You survived.

That calms me, just to know I survived. Tortured, raped, humiliated for years. The pedophiles hate that. That we overcame their evil. Don't let yourself be scared of him any more. He's a disgusting, pathetic, twisted fuck and you're a survivor. When those terrible memories spring up, try to see them in that light.


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#285318 - 04/25/09 11:40 AM Re: A new memory and now I'm terrified. [Re: Bewlayb1]
Chucky74 Offline


Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 17
Loc: Australia
Thanks everyone for your words of support. It's a big help to know I'm not alone in this.
I fear i'm at the beginning of a catastrophic meltdown. It happened again this evening. I was in the shower (again with the shower, seriously thinking of avoiding them from now on.) and I could of sworn there was someone behind me. They said "Whatever you do, try not to scream." I could feel hands on my waist, and there was a terrible taste in my mouth. Then I threw up. At least it was easy to clean. I cant help but feel that I'm loosing my grip on reality. I dont want more of this to deal with. I dont know what to do. Why now? Why more of this? Why me? Aren't I suffering enough already? I fear for my sanity, but not my existence. I'm still here. And I refuse to be invisible any more!


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#285319 - 04/25/09 12:22 PM Re: A new memory and now I'm terrified. [Re: Chucky74]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Chucky,

I don't know whether or not if you have a therapist - if not, now's the time to get one.

The following link is to EMDR and is a very good explanation of what that entails. Many male survivors of CSA have sworn by this nethod.

http://www.emdr-therapy.com/emdr.html

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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