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#28508 - 12/15/02 10:39 PM compulsive masturbation
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
I haven't seen much spoken about this topic but I feel that the issue of compulsive masturbation is very important. I recently read the book The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz and I found that I most likely compulsively masturbate. This has always seemed normal to me but without fail I always masturbate in a semi-alert state as I'm waking up and then again as I'm going to bed. It's automatic. I also think about the same women day in and day out. They were females that I found sexually attractive but I was never able to establish an intimate relationship with them. For the most part I could easily substitute these women for my perp, which was my sister. I stopped thinking about her while I would masturbate years ago and years before I started to recover from my SA. I knew then that that behavior wasn't healthy. Though this type of destructive behavior hasn't really changed. I suppose what I'm trying to get at is whether this type of behavior is indeed compulsive masturbation? And furthermore how do I go about curtailing it?

A second part of this is pornography. Before I found MS I use to spend an hour before bed looking at porn. Now I spend more time here and much less time looking at it. I know that my friends who never were sexually abused look at porn all the time. But as a survivor should I not look at porn? Is all porn destructive for me? Between compulsively masturbating and looking at porn how do I allow myself to have a healthy sexual release that allows me to break this destructive cycle? Physically I feel that I need a sexual release even though I'm emotionally stunted and withdrawn.

These are just some thoughts that have been running through my head. I'm curious to see how others have dealt with this. Thanks and take care.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#28509 - 12/16/02 07:07 AM Re: compulsive masturbation
zealander Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/24/02
Posts: 6
Loc: new zealand
I appreciate you writing about this because I think I have the same problem. I masturbate every day, and pornography is a big issue for me too.

Perhaps it feels safer to me, in that I don't need a partner to jack off to porn. I'm not sure if it's chronic, because neither interfere with my work. But I do feel lonely at times.


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#28510 - 12/16/02 12:32 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello sleepy and zealander:

i too have a problem with masturbation and pornography. i was emotionally incested by my mother for some 35 years and for the same amount of time i have used food and masturbation to porn as my "self-medicines" of choice.

it has been almost 62 weeks since i last rented porn but, i browsed at a porn shop just yesterday. i honestly do not know how much longer i can go without renting porn videotapes. it truly is an emotional struggle with/for me. living without the use of my self-meds is a huge challenge and really painful.

this is a good place to share your struggles. you will find caring men here who often are dealing with the same issues that you are. i have been coming here for some months now and am truly glad this site exists.

good luck with your struggles men and remember that we always have a choice. we do not have to repeat any old behavior from our past. it is always up to us. sincerely,

bec \:\)


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#28511 - 12/16/02 07:41 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Wifey1
We did have a discussion a while back about partners posting on the male forums, but this one adds a lot to the subject and my opinion is it should stay.

Quote:
I asked mysef BEFORE I had any contact what exactly was I feeling. By doing so giving a NAME to the feelings I was able to sort for myself what was true sexual desire & what was re-enactment or other. I wrote on paper so I could SEE physically in writing what I was feeling.
I took slow steps by sharing with my partner and myself by Voicing WHAT was a definet trigger for me, for example no ‘french kissing’, sharing the exact details of my SA helped to identify what felt “ickey” so WE could not do those same acts.
Now we ASK each other “Are you still WITH ME?” if we see a look of disassociation on each others face. (Yea it some times got us giggling or p.o’d ) then if one was or is unable to BE IN the act itself we trust (this is huge) the other to NOT allow the activity to continue until grounded again.
Painstakingly, little by little with slips and falls and great strides forward , for MYSELF I was
able to get to a place of happiness, joy & tremendous intimacy and a feeling of healthy sexual
activity.
I think this is so good, and you're both so brave to even try it.
I promise I will try this as well, because I know how much my sex life is still dominated by the disassociation I feel when we do make love.
I find it impossible to connect intimately even after 27 years of marriage ( I hope it's not BECAUSE OF ?? )

And what happens then ? down I go into a nose dive of depressive guilt. Although it's not the only reason I take a dive - today I've struggled, really bad day today.

Unsuccesful sex, unsuccesful christmas shopping trip, my wifes car broke down on Saturday( a $500 clutch to add to my 4x4 needing $800 wortyh of tyres ! ) and a pile of other crap that just about finished it.
So I had another day shopping, and spent all day fighting the urge to act out.
I came home empty handed and was about to go for the online porn, but I got interupted.

Which brings us back to Sleepy's origional post, yeah - I feel crap so I masturbate, and I feel crap about that, so I masturbate.

Recently I've gotten the better of it, although days like today remind me.
But at one time my right arm was like Popeye's !

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#28512 - 12/16/02 10:27 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Wifey1,
Thanks for the reply. I found it very interesting. I've been thinking about starting a journal so that I can write down my thoughts and hopefully get into touch with my emotions again.

Dave,
I got a good laugh at the popeye remark. I can relate to that!

This whole subject is something that I've only begun to address. I've noticed that I mostly do it subconciously. As I'm waking in the morning I always reach down for my genitals so that I can perform the task. It's not that I even want to. I just do it without thinking. I'd like to break this type of behavior, though. It seems very difficult.
Thanks,
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#28513 - 12/16/02 10:41 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
I think the best thing about this web site is knowing I'm not the only one. Before that it was like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers song "with the birds I'll share this lonely view". I never thought anyone would understand. My neighbor actually taught me how to do that when I was 11. I didnt even have pubic hair yet, and I was able to finish and do it up to three times a day. I was humiliated and shamed publicly.

I started to write the whole story to post, but I feel discouraged by recent posts that have critiqued other posts as fake or attention seeking. My neighbor told me no one would believe me, and people only ever believe what sounds believable. My story is way out there, but 100 percent true.

I'll bet if my neighbor found out about this website that is exactly what he would do: critique posts as garbage and fake and attention seeking to convince people not to believe what doesn't seem normal. Maybe the critics are perps, I dont know. I question the motives of anyone who discourages someone from speaking up. What would someone have to loose by reading a fake post, thirty seconds, a few minutes. I always wondered what my neighbor said to prevent adults who knew some of what he did from going to the police. Now I'm starting to get an idea. I know Lloydy must wonder the same thing from listening to his story. I seriously question the motives of anyone trying to silence anyone else on this web site. I encourage anyone to post anything no matter how unbelievable it seems, and I'll read it and give the writer the benefit of the doubt. What did I loose by reading Lioncub's posts? Maybe thirty minutes of my time total? Maybe I'm so fragile I cant live with the idea that someone else decieved me? As if every single person in the entire world hasnt been decieved at least a hundred times. Oh no, a hundred and one will be too many, is that it? Why should I not listen to some far fetched sounding posts? I would like the guys who critique and discourage to tell me. To be honest all of these stories seem a little bit unbelievable sometimes, but destroying victims credibility seemes to be the perps bread and butter. But I'm a lousy example because I'm going to wait before posting my story if I do it at all. I also worry about giving other perps my neighbor's ideas, so I have to think about the best way to do this.

Just for the record, almost 26 months without masturbating and porn and never felt better about my history with it.

Also I'm glad we dropped the pros and cons of flaming and getting flamed, my post on the subject was taking so much time, I couldnt spend time on more important subjects like the abuse. Although I think we need to figure out some way of dealing with it, because that kind of stuff had a big impact on my interpersonal relationships and ability to trust.

Les_Angry


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#28514 - 12/16/02 10:42 PM Re: compulsive masturbation
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Hi Sleepy:
See if this article helps you get a grip on the behavior (pun intended).
http://www.malesurvivor.org/articles/singer2.htm

In all seriousness, from what you describe, the behavior is one that no longer has a legitimate function but serves only to numb you out from your feelings. The end result is keeping you in a cycle of self-defeating behaviors, from what it sounds like.

The more you feel bad about this, the greater the self-loathing and greater likelihood of repeating what temporarily feels good but leaves you unempowered.

Hope this helps.
Good luck
Ken


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#28515 - 12/17/02 08:50 AM Re: compulsive masturbation
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
i first began seeking help for sexual addiction, and while searching for the roots of it, i uncovered the molestation. i guess i kind of backed into the memories while working on compulsive masturbation and porn use. after three years, i have concluded that the addictions are a symptom of other problems. to escape life, many abused people turn to sex, drugs or other means of numbing themselves.

unfortunately for me, the sexual problems were only the tip of the iceburg. i also learned to run to sex to avoid confrontations, and now struggle to express my emotions and needs. i think as far as hurting my partners this has done far more damage than the masturbation and porn. marriage by nature needs intamacy on all levels. when you close your life off from your mate to hide this addiction and abuse, you undermine your marriage (relationship). you can never get really close and attached. it become frustrating for your mate, and they eventually leave.

the key for me was defining a healthy sex life, and then setting bounderies to live by. i think expecting yourself to never again masturbate is unreasonable. you set yourself up for failure, and failure brings guilt and shame and then the need to escape again. if you can establish a place where instead of being a negative, it becomes a healthy tool, it breaks that cycle.

my personal view goes like this. as mates we are to meet one another's needs. by masturbating i am robbing my mate of something that should be hers. so now, i have a standing rule that i only masturbate after making a real effort to be intimate with my wife. this meets her needs as i lavish affection and attention on her, and then if it doesnt turn sexual, i masturbate with a clear conscience. at that point, it becomes an extension of something healthy. as long as i do my part, i allow myself to feel good about it, and about meeting her needs as well as my own. it is all really a matter of perspective. masturbation and porn is a problem because of the way it makes you feel, not because there is anything wrong with the actual actions. does that make any sense?

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#28516 - 12/17/02 09:45 AM Re: compulsive masturbation
smp Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/16/02
Posts: 3
Loc: Jerusalem, Israel
I'd like to simply point out that anything in life that draws you away from what is truly important..anything in life that isn't important..or if you do it without knowing what your purpose is...is a waste of time for a person.

Porno and masturbation isn't important, and there is no positive "purpose" to them. Intimacy is important, for instance. Health is important, for instance. Masturbation diminishes strength, does not build intimacy.

Rather, sexuality exists to assist in building intimacy.

The simple math is..all porno is non-constructive, for those who view it, those who live off it's profits, and those who are it's subjects. Masturbation reduces intimacy and strength...it is also non-constructive.


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#28517 - 12/17/02 11:32 AM Re: compulsive masturbation
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
i agree with you on porn. when i established what i saw as healthy, i turned to the Bible for help. in my mind, marriage is an exclusive thing that works best when kept exclusive and intimate. porn violates the intent of what marriage was supposed to be. Christ teaches that to lust after these women is the same as actually sleeping with them. i would fill my mind with all these images, and dwell on them for motivation. i never realized what a barrier those create. they are a wall that keep you from feeling all you can for your wife.

masturbation on the other hand has its place in my mind. there are times when because of physical seperation due to illness, jobs, differing libidos where it can bridge the gap. i am careful to focus on my wife, and to take care of her needs before resorting to it, but if i have done my part, i dont see where it violates any>
_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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