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#278168 - 03/04/09 07:32 AM Mb as control, help!
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
I'm really not sure how to say this, but it's something I realized recently, ---- especially with the effects of my citalopram on my libido.

I don't remember whether I mb'd that much before my abuse started, ---- though i do remember noticing physical reactions (ie the E word but I can't write that), and feeling okay about it.

But when my abuse started, I started to become afraid of tphysical reactions, ---- very afraid. if a girll, ---- or sometimes a boy, noticed at school that I was experiencing such a reaction, it'd always result in something bad. At the least insults, at the most having my trousers removed, my privates grabbed, or even myself brought to climax while my face was being spat in.

So, I started Mb'ing more. i found that if I mb'd several times each night, it stopped me from having a visible reaction, which meant nobody would notice, which meant not getting abused.

the problem is, that's a habbit I haven't been able to kick.

Everytime I react physically, ---- aka the E word, I get incredibly frightened. If I have a dream that causes me to wake up in such a state I'm at the least uncomfortable.

So, I control it. I make certain I only react on my own, in bed, where I can do something about it.

I've always been jealous of girls that they can have a reaction with no visible physical consequences, and actually wanted to be female sometimes for that very reason.

Needless to say, the more public my reaction might be, the more scared I become. This can be not only in public with others, but even on my own.

there have certainly been times when I've been alone with a female friend, and had this reaction, and started to feel amazingly tense and frightened, and to try and think of a way of hiding it, or not reacting like that.

I only realized I'd been using mb as a control of that reaction for all this time when my Citalopram limited my reactions, and I felt a great sense of relief.

I don't know if this contributes to my relationship problems, ---- I've never even got to the point of comfortably holding hands with someone let alone a kiss. But I'm sick of being afraid, and I'm not certain of my control method.

Once in my first year, I decided that while there was nothing intrinsically wrong with mb'ing as such, I surely shouldn't be doing as much of it as I did. So I stopped.

About a week and a half later, I had a terrifying dream, ---- or rather quite a nice dream, but I woke up in absolutely frozen cold horror!

I know I should talk to my T about this, but I can't see her until April, ---- and I hope at least some of the people here can understand and offer me some advice on what I should try doing to stop being afraid and having to control everything so much.

Sorry about the rambling post, as I said, i'm stuck with trying to deal with this and I'm not sure what I should do.


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#278169 - 03/04/09 07:51 AM Re: Mb as control, help! [Re: dark empathy]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
csa complicates matters instills interferances such as fear / flash backs etc

as men we don't talk about stuff enough

sometimes an E just happens

you seem to be handling it by mb'g in your bed in private

most men mb't

but our silence can creat unnecessary reactions such as guilt

sure as csa survivors we have stuff to resolve
we need inner healing

sure no adiction is helpful

but mst'n itself is ok

so is absteining if you want to

Nathan


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#278172 - 03/04/09 08:10 AM Re: Mb as control, help! [Re: nathan555]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
thanks nathan.

As I said, I don't particularly feel any guilt or shame about mb'ing or how much I do it, but firstly I know if I keep in iron control of E, I'll never resolve the problem, and how am I going to be able to have an E with someone I love if I'm constantly afraid of the reaction?

i know that alone I'm safe, which is why i use that time to control it, but I'm not sure how to break this cycle or become less afraid, and I know from healing experience that trying to shut that reaction out in that way probably doesn't help me.

the thing is I have no idea what to do about this.

As I said, any uncontroled reaction of that sort is frightening to me, even if I wake up from a dream.


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#278195 - 03/04/09 12:30 PM Re: Mb as control, help! [Re: dark empathy]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Dark Empathy,

wow man - you sure are'nt alone in your feelings of needing to keep iron clad control of erections

it's an issue that I went to extremes on myself when I was younger - I was always so ashamed of my body reacting to my uncles touch - he hypersexualized me at a young age to the point where it seemed that just the slightest breeze could give me a E - as a form of controling it I used to mb excessively also as I'd learned that if it was worn raw it would'nt get an E as easily - and to control the unexpected E I used to wear a realy tight jock strap at school so as that if I did get an E it at least would'nt be noticed as much

part of recovery for me has been in learning that there is no shame in a body reacting to physical touch or emmotional feelings - it took me a lot of reading and talking with other guys to understand that just about all teens have issues with E's (even if they hav'nt been abused) - it's sad that it's not something that's talked about more when we are younger - it's a sad myth that society has taught that says that if a boy got an erection while being abused that he must have liked it - it just simply is'nt true - many studies have proven that a boys penis reacts to touch whether he wants it to or not - that there is no mental control over it

it's sad that abuse has given us negative feelings about erections - while most teens are embarrassed by unwanted erections most unabused boys learn to associate an E with good feelings

part of healing for us is in re-learning and un-learning which takes time and talking to others

it looks to me that you are deffinately on the right path

I hope that others will jump in here and say "Hey - me too" as I know this is an issue that many of us have struggled with

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#278210 - 03/04/09 03:39 PM Re: Mb as control, help! [Re: TJ jeff]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 859
Loc: washington
Dark,

I think reclaiming a healthy sexuality to be of utmost importance.

Back in the day, almost everytime the teacher called me to the front of the class, I had to make a rather embarassing adjustment.

I actually have a year when I was a teen, were it was a 365(+) kind of year.

The longer I go without,the harder it is to control,to the point of having a reaction when the wind blows.

When I'm uptight, it is the only guaranteed way I know how to relax.

I see a form of unconcious shame in your post (I believe fear and shame can be closely linked).

Yes, I believe some people might have huge problems with compulsive mb (do you control it or does it control you?)...at the same time...I believe, we live in a shame based society...and I absolutely refuse to be shamed on any level.


The Stroke (Billy Squire)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#278217 - 03/04/09 06:03 PM Re: Mb as control, help! [Re: 1islandboy]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5779
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Quote:
I think reclaiming a healthy sexuality to be of utmost importance.


Island has a world of wisdom in that sentence. Look at how difficult it is to even write the word. Your abusers have stolen your natural right to enjoy sexuality. Instead of it being a part of a relationship with another, it is filled with fear and loathing.

Do some reseach on healthy sexuality and reclaim what is your right. This thread may be a good place to get more input from others who have been there and took back their sexuality.


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#278312 - 03/05/09 11:29 AM Re: Mb as control, help! [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
Hi people and thanks.

Firstly, on the shame point, this is genuinely something I don't feel. One of the problems I had as a teenager is my parents instilled into me at the age of ten that all this was fine, normal and okay, ---- so why was everyone else making such a big deal about it?

I genuinely didn't understand why people bothered making jokes on the subject, --- it seemed like making jokes about blowing your nose.

Of course, this just distanced me from people, which lead to me being made fun of, which lead to jokes, which, ---- a few months later lead into the really horrible stuff happening.

I'm not even sure I know what "A healthy S--uality" even means when it's applied to me.

I know it's something other people get pleasure from. I know there's a form of connection with someone which is partly physical, partly emotional, ---- I've seen other people who have it. But actually to know what it's like to not get tense at the slightest hint of things.

I've had lots of people tell me it's fine, and that my abuse won't happen again, ---- but I can't convince my instincts of that.

Everytime I here a S based joke, or get any sign of physical affection from a girl, ---- even as much as a touch on the hand or a hug, or have an E on my own which I don't actively mentally initiate, it's like an electric shock, like bzzzzZ! and I'm suddenly scared!

One of the worst things about my abuse is that my body was completely alien to what my mind was doing. Even while having my face spat in, if I was forced to touch a girl, or a girl touched me, I'd react.

on a couple of occasions I actually came to climax, and at one point the result was slapped in my face and I was called a dirty bastard.

On another, while getting changed for P.E. two boys pulled down my drowders while another stuck his fingers in my eyes telling me I shouldn't stare at my d---k.

Sorryk, ---- got to step back now, this is going too far.

Basically the point is, i'm not even sure what it means for that sort of things not too be frightening.

For a long while while I mb'd I thought of nothing. Slowly, I'e begun to think of a form of communication, of sopmething I've seen other people have, but this is rarely anything more than an abstract synaesthesic impression, ----- perhaps with the sense of the sort of person I'd wish to be with and a couple of facial images thrown in for good measure.

For a long while I thouht this would all change when i fell in love with the right person first off, but i'm now realizing if I can't do something about picking up signals from others or putting out the right ones myself, ---- not to mention relaxing with physical affection and any reaction I might have to it, nothing willl change.

I'd really appreciate some advice.


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#278350 - 03/05/09 06:50 PM Re: Mb as control, help! [Re: dark empathy]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Just wanted to chime in with some thoughts stirred up by the thread in general-
dark empathy, i can certainly relate to your expression of jealousy concerning female vs. male arousal... often i've unconsciously viewed being male as somehow more basically primitive, biologically and developmentally speaking.
Yet, within the context of male competition, being bigger and bolder is rewarded... which means, on some level, there's no way to "win"- i often feel like i'm caught between two games, neither of which has rules or a goal that seems particularly worthwhile.
Of course, being a human being means that, whether male or female, we are caught in the conundrum of finding many of our behaviors and attitudes having their origin in biological and evolutionary imperatives, while still having a brain which lets us (however temporarily) step outside ourselves, take a glance, and ask "what exactly is going on here- why do we do what we do?"
Those of us who found this site because we needed to know we weren't alone, have an additional knot surrounding the original one...
By the original one, i simply mean that, as a species, sexuality is the 2nd most common "unsolved mystery"- the 1st being mortality. In almost every origin story one examines, death and sex are the first topics addressed. Why would this be, if being human didn't mean finding these topics to be the most concerning, once food, clothing and shelter were taken care of?

Yes, i'm rambling away in grand fashion- but my whole point is: Even people who've never been sexually abused can't truly seem to make up their minds, concerning what exactly defines "healthy sexuality"... legally, "consenting adults only" is the only clear place i can draw a line. Other than that, to me it's an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum, sealed by a mystery, obscured by a riddle, etc., etc.
Other than that- if it feels "wrong" to me, i need to truly understand "why" before looking outside for answers-

because, after all, in this day and age, i can surely find multitudes online who are willing to reassure me that there is nothing unusual in my particular perspective, or to embrace me for finally realizing the enormity of my doctrinal error, and arriving at the source of Ultimate Truth, as it were.

Knowing the difference between blushing from attraction, and blushing from fear/embarassment, is a good goal. "Can i be turned on, without feeling dirty and ashamed?"
"If you cannot know or trust yourself, where do you look to for safety?"

Sometimes, just knowing some good questions to ask yourself is a good start, even if the answers seem a million light-years away...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#279100 - 03/11/09 07:35 PM Re: Mb as control, help! [Re: 1islandboy]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
I was indecently assulted when I was 11
that night I started mbtg
had no idea what I was doing

I became addicted it controlled me

from 22 - 25 I had victory over my addiction
then my Dad emotionally abused me and I was triggerd

my adiction came back

when I married I stoped

but when csa surfaced I am back to my cycle

feeling really messed up today

it helps to talk with men who understand

Nathan


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#284916 - 04/22/09 12:22 PM Re: Mb as control, help! [Re: nathan555]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
Sorry about reviving this thread, but Danny's "weerd thought" thread in the Ms forum got me thinking again.

I'm back on an increased dose of Citalopram which means less reacting, which means less need to mb to stop involuntary reactions.

I'm stil not happy with this sort of method though. As I said, it's genuinely not that i feel there's anything wrong with mb in general.

I in fact remember my mum once catching me at it when I was about eleven (in bed, she didn't see anything but worked it out from the way I was moving), and very gently explaining that it was absolutely fine, that everyone including my brother, and my dad did it, ---- she even just called it "playing"

this was of course, about a year before my abuse propper started, and I was only mb-ing because it was a pleasant thing to do.

How do I get back to that mindset, ----- and more specifically, how do i stop being afraid of reacting?

I'm genuinely not sure how.


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