Am I wrong for feeling jealous of other boys who still have their fathers around? I've mentioned my dads death here but I've never gone into detail until now. My dad died in December of 2005 from a massive heart attack. His death was sudden but what made it even more tragic is that I witnesses his death. It was just him and I in the house that morning when he woke me up for school and less than a minute later he had the heart attack in his bedroom. I saw it all. I called the ambulance and rode in it. I was at the hospital by myself until I called my grandma and aunt. When the ambulance got there I remember asking the paramedic if he was going to be ok. He told me "It doesn't look good." He then said that my dad was a "code blue," I guess that ment he had already passed even before we left the house. I was 15.

That was a few years ago. My dad died at one of he most vulnerable times in my life. I was a sophomore in high school and needless to say I was lost without him. He was my rock, my best friend and even though I knew I did the right thing I still can't help but feel I was abandoned.

As I grew older and moved in with my stepdad I got a job at a supermarket. Obviously there are kids everywhere. I always used to look at the boys and their fathers with a mix of anger and jealousy. What do thy have that I don't? What makes them so special? I wasn't a bad kid, I didn't get into trouble or disobey my parents. I was shy and had few friends but I was a good kid. And here are these snot-nosed little brats hanging off their daddies arms screaming at the top of their lungs for a fucking toy car. I'd never do that. I hated those kids and I'd always look at the father with this affection in my eyes. I'm sure they though I was weird "Why is this black kid bagging my groceries staring at me?" But I...I wanted them. I wanted them to be my dad. I wanted to be their so and I wanted to live with them. It was sick. This one time I was bagging this guys groceries and he thanked me and then patted me on my back. I could still feel the warmth from his hand on my back an hour later.

Most of those feelings of jealousy have faded but the need for a dad is still there. Yeah, I still want to be that kid with the great dad who's always there for you and always listens but I know that won't happen. There is still this hole in my heart that I don't know how to fill. I want someone to hug me. Honestly, I want someone to put their arm around me and tell me everythings going to be ok. Nobody can replace my father but I still want that older male attention. I want them to call me by my nickname, Tiger, like my dad always did. I just want attention. What, if anything, do I do with myself?

Thanks for listening.

Terrick

(((Tiger)))

Experts in such things as grief state that the grieving process over a loved one is a three to five year process and that for the young it can be even longer.

Watching your father pass that way, and at such a vulnerable age, was most certainly a very traumatic event in your life - cut yourself some slack son and give yourself the time you need to heal.

Terrick,

What you experienced with your father's passing was truly a very sad event. You will probably always feel some sadness when you remember that event. Often when guys go through something like that they have to work it through with an understanding person. It might take weeks or months or even years to pull out of that grief. We call it mourning.

I was there when my Dad died. He was in the hospital with cancer. But I was 25, 10 year older than you were. It was tough to bear. We knew he didn't have too much longer to be with us, so it wasn't a great shock. But it was still very difficult. I pressed the button that called the nurse. She ran out and we heard over the speaker "code blue", room such and such. Immediately about 5 doctors and nurses poured into the room and started doing stuff. My mother and I went out of the room. They weren't able to do anything to help. I felt some guilt: "Should I have done something besides press the button?" What could I have done? Nothing. Code blue doesn't mean he was dead, it means that he is in a very endangered situation which requires all immediate and available medical attention.

When we face a loss we go through 5 predictable stages of grief. Some might last a second or two or years. These stages are also faced by a kid going through abuse. The moment of hesitation before the medical team entered the room was the 1st stage of grief for me. It is called denial. It only lasted a few minutes for me then. Sometimes denial after abuse lasts for years or even a lifetime. Sometimes guys who get abused are never willing to face it and get help.

Afterward I was a bit angry with myself because I had hesitated a moment before pressing the nurse call button. Also, could I have done something more? This was the next stage of grief for me. Often I see on TV news where somebody has been hurt, the nearest relative will show anger: "They should have done more . . .". "I should have done . . .". Or, commonly: "They did the wrong thing . . .". That is the anger stage of grief.

Sometimes we can become stuck in one of these stages of grief and not move on. Survivors of abuse sometimes get stuck in this "denial phase" and refuse to deal with their hurt. I have several friends in this category. They see years pass and are not willing to face what they went through and get some help to deal with it. They could be feeling much better by working it through. Also their wives and if they have any kids could be feeling better if they worked it through.

Allen

pufferfish

I feel this way too, but it's more general. Not just boys and their dads, just boys in general. For me I think it stems from the fact that I was really never allowed to be a kid.

My dad is still alive, but sadly, we're not really close. Never really have been. He's always been closed off and distant.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is excatly what you did in posting. You're reaching out. Hopefully in time, as you reach out, you'll connect with someone who can help fill that empty void in your heart.

Terrick

Part 2 of your recovery:

You need male friendships. You commented that you tend to be shy. Do you have some healthy activities? Some kinds of activity where you go and be with others? Where you can form some healthy guy relationships?

There must be some things that you do that you could do with others. Try to find out what they are. Is it music, playing ball, art, helping others? There are many possibilities. If you can start to do this it will be a very healthy step for you.

Allen

pufferfish

Thanks again guys for all of the responses.

I really don't have any hobbies. I have my job and right now that where I have the most positive contact with other guys around my age. Even though I'm getting to be more comfortable around them I still feel like I'm missing something. I'm still more shy and reserved than I'd like to be. I'm still working up the courage to ask some of the guys at work to go to the movies with me some time. That's a step in the right direction I guess.

As I said in my origional post, the feelings of jealousy and anger have mostly faded away but every now and again I find myself staring at the father and sons who I see out and about. I stare at them wishing I was them. One day I'll have a son and I'll love him so much. I wish I could start that part of my life now and just be done with all this stupid longing and waiting. [sigh] Oh well. Thanks again guys for the help.