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#28423 - 02/25/04 10:46 PM Re: By the Numbers
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
well, what you, I or we think isn't the issue here. Our points of view are not relevant. We are not "normal".

When was the last time you saw a post like this:


Hi, Iím new here. Iím new to this whole survivor thing. I was doing fine until last year when I let it slip about my abuse. You know how people are once they find out, well you know. I donít want to be hear, but my wife insists on it. You guys know how wives are ďare you sure you arenít rushing your recoveryĒ and the ever popular ďtake as much time as you need, no one expects you to just get over itĒ then my boss found out and wonít even let me even think about doing anything stressful, how do you handle all the pampering anyway? Yeah my boss, I donít know what to do about him. I went in to tell him I was fine, he wouldnít let me get a word in edgewise ďTake all the time you need, if you need a few months to deal with the abuse, you donít need to worry the paychecks will keep coming.Ē Then he handed me the companyís list of survivor support groups. You guys know what itís like trying to pick a group, there are just so many of them, even if you just take the male groups the choices are mind blowing. Itís all to much Iíve been reading through the post and I see you guys are all going through the same with your wives to. She drags me to gay bars telling me I must ďexplore my sexuality.Ē The worst thing is when she and my parents do it. When they do that I go in and head out the back just in case they are watching to make sure I stay, then maybe go to a movie to pass the time. Then Iíll call home and say I was with a decorator named Lance. Now Iím getting pressure from all my friends, family and co-workers to march in the survivor day parade, and I just hate crowds. The fireworks are nice and the kids get the day off from school so we can do something as a family, but all that marching, hardly seems worth it. Well thanks for letting me vent Iím sure youíve heard it all before.


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#28424 - 02/25/04 11:34 PM Re: By the Numbers
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
too funny...and true. A.

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#28425 - 02/25/04 11:37 PM Re: By the Numbers
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
I don't think I've ever seen a post like that.

It wouldn't be normal. \:D

Thanks, I needed this thread.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#28426 - 02/26/04 09:00 AM Re: By the Numbers
Texas_Mike Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...
great post..

you have your shit together... you have a great sense of humor. that's good. very positive.

gay bars are fun-----great tunes/lights-you know,a lot of straights enjoy these places....good 2 steppin' music. so whats' normal today-----------it'll be different next year.

_________________________
"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

Best,
"The Desert Runner" Mike

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#28427 - 02/26/04 09:14 AM Re: By the Numbers
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
the 2-step in a gay bar, only in Texas I guess.


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#28428 - 02/26/04 10:03 AM Re: By the Numbers
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
I feel lucky. My wife is as understanding and supportive as I could have ever dreamt. Sure she doesnít know what it is to have lived through it in my shoes, but she shows the compassion and caring that Iíve always longed for.

In the dark, I finally like who I am, but I am not fully where I need to be. Letís face, I donít think we can ever be totally freed from our past, but then no one can. What we can strive for is a fulfilling and complete life, one where we feel happy and content.

Iíve fought long and hard to get rid of all the labels Iíve hung around my neck. The outside world doesnít think about or judge us all that often, only when it hits them in the face. Ultimately, it is how we judge ourselves that matters most. I do not have to be anything. I can be my self. Is that a normal person? I donít know. I guess that depends on whoís writing the definitions. Certainly I am a survivor whether that is normal or not, and just as surely that will be with me the rest of my life.

This is a great insightful thread. I can see myself fitting several of the types you mention. Some good, some not so much. Being a cynic at times, a crusader at others, I guess we all do what we have to in order to live with this. Take care, and treat yourself kindly.

jeff

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#28429 - 02/26/04 10:03 AM Re: By the Numbers
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
I feel lucky. My wife is as understanding and supportive as I could have ever dreamt. Sure she doesnít know what it is to have lived through it in my shoes, but she shows the compassion and caring that Iíve always longed for.

In the dark, I finally like who I am, but I am not fully where I need to be. Letís face, I donít think we can ever be totally freed from our past, but then no one can. What we can strive for is a fulfilling and complete life, one where we feel happy and content.

Iíve fought long and hard to get rid of all the labels Iíve hung around my neck. The outside world doesnít think about or judge us all that often, only when it hits them in the face. Ultimately, it is how we judge ourselves that matters most. I do not have to be anything. I can be my self. Is that a normal person? I donít know. I guess that depends on whoís writing the definitions. Certainly I am a survivor whether that is normal or not, and just as surely that will be with me the rest of my life.

This is a great insightful thread. I can see myself fitting several of the types you mention. Some good, some not so much. Being a cynic at times, a crusader at others, I guess we all do what we have to in order to live with this. Take care, and treat yourself kindly.

jeff

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#28430 - 02/26/04 11:00 AM Re: By the Numbers
Texas_Mike Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...
your a winner-----stamp that...

_________________________
"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

Best,
"The Desert Runner" Mike

Top
#28431 - 02/26/04 11:20 AM Re: By the Numbers
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Your cynicism doesn't seem hearfelt, in fact it's kind of cute, with an air of humor.

The categories you've pinned on us all make sense, sort of.

But what about the one where the boy, full of guilt, fear and shame, is growing into a man who can stand tall and proud because he's finally found the gumption to tell his dirty secret and deal with is past, regardless of the consequences?

You forget one of the most important lessons that we should all keep in mind; The shame does not belong to us, the victims. It belongs to the monsters who are evil enough to hurt children.

Because we might be viewed as 'damaged goods' does not necessarily carry the tag-line of shame along with it. What it does is explain to our loved ones why we act the way we act.

The revelation that we were damaged (that word really doesn't do justice to what was done to us, more like; exploited, used, hurt, seduced, abandoned) only helps to bring forth the truth of who we really are. And isn't that all anyone is looking for here? The truth?

Your categories could go on until infinity because, despite our similarities, we are all different, we were all hurt in different ways, we all learned to cope in different ways and we will all heal, or not, in our own different ways.


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#28432 - 02/26/04 11:37 AM Re: By the Numbers
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
I am a little uncomfortable with the term Ďdamagedí goods as it relates to SA survivors. I feel like it is granting the perpetrators a power that isnít theirs; that being the power to Ďdamageí or cause a child to be less than perfect. We are not Ďdamagedí goods, nor is anyone, male or female, child or adult, Ďless thaní just because they had the misfortune to be assaulted in some form. Have the assaults caused us grief? Yes. But that doesnít make us any less beautiful, any less worthy, any less perfect in the eyes of those who love us. A.

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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