jls my brother...
I think you are at the edge of why many survivors stay isolated. For me there was about 8 years from my initial disclosure to my getting serious about healing. The first time I went to a hand full of therapy sessions and when it got scary I ran away... pretended I was ok... Hell, I simply numbed out with (work/food/sex) and isolated more and more until I turned back to face my demons... slowly at first and them I tipped it all over, leaving no back door for myself.
That said, let me assure you that each fear, wound, scar, issue that I have faced and worked through has taken me to a better overall place... there is still an ebb and flow to my life... the lows are higher than they used to be.
Heck I still have "fuck-it" thoughts.
When I was not working on my healing and recovery I was numb, and had few memories or flashbacks, and was truly unfeeling. I was emotionally dead and disconnected from life. Today I try to choose life, with all of it's uncertainty, and enjoy being alive.
one day at a time. :-)
Edited by wes-b (04/17/09 06:57 PM)
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)
Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny". My Story, 1st pass