I was just reading my last comment again at the other thread I made on this forum...
'I don't have to be afraid of him anymore, I can just run away or fight him of' or something like that..
I was going home yesterday evening - dad snoring in his favourite chair with the tv on loud. Only strange thing my mother was home reading a book wich rarely happens but i shrugged it off.
Went up to my room to get the biggest shock of my life ever -
HE is sitting there on my bed and some other guy I don't know.
I was frozen to the floor.. ugh i feel so dirty now ugh i dont know.. ok more later can't go on now

Jesse

I just dont understand why he would go trough the trouble and spend all this money to come visit us on the other side of the world... just to make my life more h^ll then it already is or something? I guess my parents didn't think it necesarry to tell me we would have a guest or i'd not go home yesterday - he's staying for 5 days or so he said... Well i'm NOT going home till i'm sure he's gone... Sorry need a break.

it totally feels like a bad dream i just know its not though..
i never thought something like this would happen... again...
i musta been in shock or something or maybe im still idunno
im to calm i might be.. feels very empty sometimes though get this shiver cant help it
other thing i remember next morning well this morning really i stumble downstairs to get some water next thing i'm spilling it on the floor and my father is all over me hitting me and stuff i dunno why i didnt just go away he was completely drunk i know i could have ... oh well to late now

Jesse,

I hear you - I really do. I've been reading all of your posts so I know what a mess you find yourself in over there. Do you have any street friends that you can go to for shelter? You must certainly have met someone in Thailand that you can go to. You need to stay out of that appartement as much as possible.

Here's my other question; do you have any relatives in the Netherlands that you can appeal to for help, maybe get you back home and away from from your folks?

I come from a similar abuse backround to yours and at fourteen I simply walked away. I had no one to turn to and I had to make out on my own. The streets were no safer back in 1970 when I did it than they are today, but my choices at the time were either continue living in my 'home' and possibly be killed there or strike out on my own. I chcse the latter.

Before you make such a radical choice for yourself, is there anyone, anyone at all, that you can appeal to in order to get away from these people who call themselves your familly?

I agree with Joel. Is there anybody you can talk to? It's important to get away from getting hurt.

I dont know anyone here, I don't speak Thai, don't go to school here either. It's not a great option but i'll live it's not very dangerous here its alright.
Back home.. i dont know, i dont have that much contact with my family at all. I don't really wanna tell anyone about this stuff anyway. I just never thought this would happen.. again... i guess i was just to shocked to properly react and run away or something.
Running away isn't really an option but a few days is ok..
i'd definetely never imagine my.. father.. would be capable of the same thing.. i know he's not going to remember he was way to drunk that morning..somehow i guess he decided to test to the max how far he could go under my father's eyes all of a sudden.. just... why now.. my father's never done this before.. and again i didnt do anything
i didnt do anything

numb shocked sad numb pain disgust mad at myself .... .........

Jesse,

It's OK to fight back! I know that it's easy to do the first few times, actually it's scary as hell to do. But you would be shocked to see how quickly people back down when you stand up to them.

Child abusers are COWARDS, they are bullies and they rely on the fear that they instill in their victims to maintain power over them. More than one survivor here can tell you that once he stood up to his abuser that abuser became a blubbering mess and backed off to never bother that survivor again.

Jesse, if you can't outrun them then you're going to have to take a stance for yourself and defend Jesse. Who else will if you don't? I know that probably seems like a terrifying prospect, but remember that many before you have done it at your age, and younger, with amazing results and with great success.

You have the right to defend yourself against unacceptable behaviour, Jesse. Will you?

ive ran/defended myself before
against both my father and him
my abuser hasnt been able to bother me in over half a year now..
i guess seeing him in the place i'd least expect him - half across the world - shocked me enough i couldnt have done anything if i'd tried.. boom.. as if id disconnected my mind from my body or something... this morning.. same thing..
i've fought them off before.. i couldnt now... just couldnt do a dmn thing but stand there..

Yeah well, shock can paralize a person no doubt about, but you are no longer in shock, right? You'll be able to see it coming now - now you are no longer powerless.

right...
i'm not even gonna let it come to that
I just won't go home as long as they are there

Any tourist type places you can go where you might be able to find an english speaker to at least help you communicate with some people a little bit? Dude I'm fucking mad as hell for you right now, I wish there was something more we could do for you.

yes sure, tourist police is supposed to speak English, there are some embassies here, though not the dutch one for as far as i know. Thing is i'm not going to tell anyone
Just want this fricking nightmare to end that's all

Jesse


I just want to support you in what you are doing. I find that the truth is a source of strength. You can deal with anything as long as you stick to the truth.


Gus

You mean i should tell someone? Or what do you mean
Either way I'm not going to tell anyone..
I can't deal with that crp yet... Maybe.. in a few years i don't know. Right now.. Just trying to get trough the days now. I'm just glad i have this place right now i don't know what i would have done otherwise. Even though sometimes I still feel like just deleting everything and deleting my account and go back to ignoring everything that happened/happens as good as i can..

Sorry Jesse, not gonna happen!

Once you open the can of worms of abuse, you can never get the worms back in! You can ignore them if you wish to try that, but whenever you turn around there they will be nipping at your heels.

You can walk away from MS if you choose to, but not your memories and they pain that they cause you.

Right now we are the best hope you have - I hope you will choose to stay and let us support you as best we can.

Yes, sorry if I made it look like i'm going to leave or something. Though it does sound tempting sometimes to do just that, go back to ignoring as best as I can.
But i'm afraid you're right, I don't think i can do that anymore.
Atm it's just such a chaos in my head...

Jesse:
I just wanted to tell you I'm so sorry if I did or said something to hurt you. in the past week. Thank you for your support.
I just say the wrong thing. I had a nother nightmare last this morning.
I've wanted to get out, too.
Hang in there.
ROBERT (BRuce1000)

i just cant believe I didn't do anything
Well i know why but i just wish i'd done.. something.. anything
I'm so mad at myself I just let everything happen... again...

it seems like a bad movie to me wich i've only seen pieces of
like i remember standing in the doorway seeing them, the shock and everything.. I remember lying on that bed and them.. well you know... i don't remember at all how i ended up on that bed though or how they removed my clothes.. i remember being downstairs the next morning and my father beating in on me i dont remember anything in between what happened that night and this. I remember that i was lying on the floor and i remember my dad doing... the same thing... and him... i dont know where the other guy was.. my mother probably at work... I don't remember how i got out of the house but i guess i did...

and i keep thinking WHY... WHY NOW? He's never done this before, never, it always 'only' was hitting kicking yelling etc.. WHY now... I know my abuser had a hand in this and i know my father is not going to remember, he was way to drunk...
I just can't get my head around it... Why now...

Jesse,

Am I reading this right? Were you just recently re-abused?

depends on what's recently... but no, not since i made this thread... right before i made the thread.. yes

Jesse, have you signed up for the teen forum here at MS?

Jesse, you need to tell the police about this, it isn't going to just go away. You didn't ask for this, and nothing like this is ever acceptable behaviour. You are brave for coming here to MS and standing up for yourself, but what you really need to do is to get out of this abusive situation. Jesse, you need to report this to the police. I know that that is asking alot, and in no way an easy thing to do, but they can help you get out of the situation that you are in.

joel yes. but it seems to be pretty dead in there.
going to the police... no.. i can't do that. sorry. not yet.
i've only just started talking about it on here and thats scary enough already... sorry i'd rather just live on the streets here for the rest of the time we're here then talk.. about this
only a few more weeks... only a few weeks..

And when you get back home, Jesse, and that much closer to your abuser - what then?

What will you do then to make this stop?

i dont know, same as before i guess.
i had it stopped before..
just the shock of seeing him here paralysed me enough i just... let it happen...
back home.. things will go back to 'normal' again i guess.. whatever that is
i can stop him.. i wont be this surprised anymore

Please don't misunderstand me, OK? I'm not accusing you of anything wrong and I'm certainly not being recriminating - I understand about shock value and I get the thing about being paralized and rooted to the spot.

What I'm trying to get across to you, Jesse, is that you, like me way back when, don't have anyone to defend or protect you. I came from the same type of familly environment and what I told you before still stands - it's going to be up to you to stand up for yourself and to fight him (them) off.

That's not fair, to be sure, but it is your reality and you are going to have to deal with it or continue bending over - what'll it be, Jesse?

Any kid who can make it on his own on the streets (been there, done that) has learned to throw a punch. Defend yourself, Jesse, make this stop. You're a better man than your abuser - you have dignity where he does not, so assert yourself and put that coward in his place!

yes thats what i keep trying to say... i wont be this surprised anymore, i wont let it happen again...

Jesse you are a brave fellow.

What Joel said is right but I do understand what you are saying. You will fight them off next time.

Jesse, we have been victimized, some of us over and over again. We do not want you to be victimized continuously. We want you safe. It hurts us deeply to see this happening. It is not right!

You are a worthwhile person, wonderfully created, and you deserve true love and respect from everyone, including yourself.

Your life is just starting and all of us here have lost so much of our lives due to the abuse that we suffered. We don't want you to experience the dysfunction, suffering in silent pain, and mental anguish that we did. We want you to live a happy, joyful, and full life filled with true and right love.

You are worth it!
We care about you.

Juni

maybe a happy joyful life isn't meant to be for everyone
either way today i feel tired, i have a headache, a cold, my whole body is still aching and it feels like i'll have nightmares and flashbacks etc forever

flashbacks... i've always had them and those last few days 10 times worse.. but this time it started as a normal flashback but instead of hearing/seeing things I could smell.. sweat, beer and something else i'm not sure what it is.. And I could feel everything too as if it was happening right at that moment.. again.. and it won't go away.. am i slowly losing my mind or something this is totally freaking me out

Jesse,

What you are describing are sensory memories - some people refer to them as body memories too - and NO, you are not loosing your mind.

I know that this feels very debilitating in the moment, but if you just allow this to happen, let it come up and then come out of you, you will be in a much better place afterward.

The last such sensory memory I had was in December - just as I was stepping out of the shower - BANG - it rooted me to the spot. I could once again feel the sun on my naked skin, smell the grass and the fetid water of the swimming hole. I felt searing pain and tearing in my rectum and my mouth was filled the taste of all those teen boys I had done.

But the worst of it was that I could hear them laughing at me, jeering and teasing me - and I let myself cry. Way back then I didn't dare cry for fear that that would make things worse for me, but as I stood halfway in and halfway out the shower I got a clear picture of my eleven year old self smilling my way through everything that they put me through and for the very first time in over forty years I was able to let the tears flow, the tears that I had been holding back all that time. I cried for a long time that day, and I cried it all out too. It was very liberating - those particular memories no longer have a hold on me, they no longer hurt.

Rest assured that you are not loosing your mind, but rather your subconcious is attempting to rid your spirit of the pain of your memories - go with it, let it happen and then be done with it.

Thanks for explaining... I've had a few since yesterday and they last so long... almost to the point people start noticing something is wrong. Just let it come and then be done with it - I wish I could make it pass faster though.
This seems almost to much to handle
When it happens it's sometimes almost to difficult to remember that its 'just' another flashback. It feels so real.

Jesse,

I know that this has been talked about already and I understand that it is not available to you where you are, but you really need to be working with a T trained in Male CSA issues. These aren't "just" flashbacks, they are major events in your day and you need help processing these things.

In the meantime, do some research on PTSD and see if that doesn't help to answer a lot of the questions you have about what is happening to you and how you are experiencing it.

So I was thinking about going back home tonight. I'm soooo tired I would like to be able to sleep and well.. gotta go home sometime anyway... I tried yesterday but chickened out at the last moment. I want to try again tonight but i'm so nervous my stomach hurts. Let's see.. if i can do it tonight. Not sure what i'll find so.. gotta be ready to bolt when i need to.

Ok, so i did go home and at least the unwanted visitors weren't there.... I'm still nerveus they might come back though, now i'm sleeping at home again. We'll see..

Jess, I'm really upset this has happened to you! I completely understand the paralysis you talked about and I understand the shame that makes you not want to go to the police. I know when I was being abused as a kid I knew I could make it stop if I told someone, but I chose the abuse over telling someone.

Please try to understand that this shame does not rightly belong to you. It isn't yours, you don't deserve it and it shouldn't keep you bound to an abusive situation.

I understand you had a spell where you weren't being abused for a while and you thought it was all over with but it sounds to me like it's not going to be over as long as you remain silent about it.

You deserve and have a right to demand much better than this! I know how scary it must seem to go to the police, but what is the alternative? You need to heal from abuse not get more of it!

i won't be surprised anymore from now on..

I don't sleep well at night so I'm always tired.
Nightmares I was used to, and because of my dad i've always been a ligth sleeper, but the past... things.. made me so anxious.
I kept waking up all the time last night, afraid they might have come back or something. In the evening when it's time to go home my stomach hurts. Also i've had a headache for the past few days or so, lol, gosh what a mess I am.
I just can't get used to those ... body memories though... Think might hate those the most. :s

jesse

i am really sorry your going through such a rough time, you must know from spending so much time together in the chat room that i am your friend. All i can offer you is support, to be there when you want to talk. Take care of yourself


Gus

I decided to change this post after realizing how much irrelevant rambling was in it so sorry for changing it up on you if you've already seen it. I just didn't want to overload you with stuff that isn't important.

There is one thing you might try as far as helping with flashbacks and body memories that I have personally found helpful for myself. When you start getting a flashback or body memory, try rubbing something soft with your fingers and focus your attention as intensely as you can on that sensation.

If it works for you like it works for me, it will take the edge off a little.

There is something I'm wondering about. Do you think your dad might have known about the sexual abuse the whole time? His participation in it this last time makes me wonder. I really am extremely concerned for you and feel you should think again about going to the embassy in Bangkok.

The fact that you were victimized again, even though you are physically able to defend yourself does not mean you are weak or that you wanted the abuse, it just means that you suffer severe post traumatic stress from what had happened to you already and it set you up to be abused again by disabling you.

I know because it's happened to me as an adult! Brain shuts down and your a helpless zombie! Please don't judge yourself or beat yourself up for having that reaction--it's very common and is part of how we are affected by our abuse.

I don't think your first message was irrelevant rambling, either way thanks for both

I'm not sure if my father knew about it, I always thought not, don't think there's much going on in that head anyway, by now all the alcohol surely must have killed most active braincells... Also.. If he knew.. Why would he wait till now to do something.. It just doesn't make sense.

I'm really sorry if I'm making people concerned or anything like that, it was never my intention to do that/ though I wasn't thinking to clear when I first started the topic, I could have known it would bring up such emotions.

I do still feel at blame for what happened... I know it's them who did the bad thing not me but still.. can't believe I didn't do anything. It was as if I had no control over my body anymore, as if it had a remote control and I didn't own the remote control but they did... I can't help but feel that way.
But I won't be this surprised anymore so I don't think it will happen anymore or at least not without a fight..

I just can't talk about it. Just the idea freaks me out already.
Thanks for the tip on body memories. I will try that next time if I remember it.

Jesse

jesse


i had the same feeling when i was being abused, i just let them do it. I think the answer is rooted in fear, and not being assertive enough. When i was real young i was assertive, but from 10 to 17 i was scared.

My point is kids know how to push other kids around real early, so it has to do with confidence and also not being assertive enough.

Anyways, i'm glad your on your guard, and your not going to let this guy do it to you again. Once this guy knows your going to put up a good fight, then he will give up on you. Especailly if he tries to grab a hold of you, all big guys do that to little guys. When he grabs you and pulls you close, knee him right in the nuts. I saw that happen in jail one time, and the big guy had to go to the hospital he was in so much pain. And needless to say he left the little guy alone after that.

Remember an ass kicking don't hurt while it's happening...it might hurt the next day, but your adrenalin is flowing and you just don't feel the pain. Your dad has hit on you a few times, so you know what it's like.

I look forword to you getting back home to europe, where your friends are.

Gus

I think I have to disagree about it just being fear or lack of confidence. I mean, I guess it could be that, but for me that paralysis is something that completely shuts me down mentally which fear by it's self doesn't usually do.

**T** The last time I got raped I was terrified because I had already been shot once in my life and I was sure I was going to get shot again, but I still was able to keep thinking somewhat whereas at another time when I was starting to be abused in a sexual situation, there was no fear, but I got triggered and somehow just turned into a mindless zombie for a moment.

I think when a person is abused at a young age, they develop conditioned responses to survive but then later those responses can be triggered again and set you up for more abuse.

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS!!! This was done to you long before you were old enough and big enough to do anything about it. I strongly doubt that courage or lack of it had anything to do with it.

You sound to me like a very tough and courageous young man and I doubt you could have been taken advantage of unless there was a conditioned response kicking in that you had no control over.

So I think you should give yourself a break for not reacting the way you would have wanted to, and I also think you should take any steps necessary to make sure such a situation never happens again because even though you feel like you can handle it better next time, you don't really know for certain what your actual reaction might be.

Most wild animals are very smart about the way they deal with humans; they always maintain a certain distance so that whatever happens they always have a head start. I think people who have been abused need to be that way with abusers too any way they can, because otherwise, the abuser has the advantage of the vulnerabilities that the abuse created.

Good stuff, bravo

i totally agree with the animal analogy, keep a little more distanse. Have an escape route in mind, that way you don't have to depend on your instincts


Gus

I just want you to know I'm your friend and have gone through the same feelings your going through. This is a problem I've been facing now, not being able to help you guys. Especially the younger guys.
I'm trying to deal with all this myself. Do what you feel is best.
I'm glad I met you. You are a great person and I hope be a great friend in the future. Talk if you want, just what you feel is right. This is how I feel about you.
ROBERT (Bruce1000)

Talking about escape routes lol

I overheard my mother talking with my abuser again, I was kinda hoping he would stay away... anyway I was up in my room deciding what I should do but when I heard him say their plane leaves coming tuesday I knew enough.

I could hear them very clearly because this is a house with very thin walls and floors, if I lye down on my stomach i can look trough the cracks and see the livingroom lol.

I climbed out of the window lol I just didn't even wanna see him, wether I will be able to just walk outside cause my mother was there also. I could do this because there is some kind of half open shed under my window and from there I could easily drop on the ground.

I didn't care if anyone would see me, they can think what they want. I won't be surprised if even my mother and him saw or heard me, but I didn't look back. I did remember to bring some clothes and such even though my stomach felt like it was turning around.

So 3 more nights on the streets, I can do that. At least then I won't have to be afraid of them anymore.
I'm still shaking though.

Jesse

Jesse

I'm so glad for you...your being proactive in this thing. And your facing your fears of the unknown, by going on the streets. You have found that you can survive on the streets, i get that feeling from reading your posts.

Your taken care of your business...that's what a man does. I'm proud of you.


Gus

I knew i could deal with the streets, i've done this before in the netherlands and even here, before the recent mess.
So it's not much unknown. And it's not very dangerous here.
It just sucks. I'd rather sleep in a bed tonight then in a chair at the pool tomorrow (or later today i guess).

Way to go bro! That's the way! Don't even let him get close! If it's any consolation, I haven't been sleeping either.

But sleep is overrated. At least you know when the f- head is leaving!

Just make sure he catches that plane!

I haven't been able to sleep today cause of the weather (raining) so I'm gonna try to book a room at a cheap hostel or guesthouse for one or two nights - i'm making an exception.
Hopefully it won't be a problem i'm not 18 yet, but we'll see!

It worked! I've booked a hostel for tonight and tomorrow night. We'll see about tuesday.
I already slept a few hours but then I woke up from another nightmare... ugh. It was of my father .. well you know.
I STILL can't say it.
But this particular memory keeps haunting me and it's freaking me out more then every other memory atm.
But it's raining again so I'm glad I decided to spend some money on a bed and a roof over my head for tonight and tomorrow.

If you can, be sure to take your passport as you may need it to get the room.

Jim

They asked for it but I said i didn't have it with me, wich is true. They asked for another pass with my pic on it, so i gave them my school card lol. And then all was fine. They showed me the room and I took it. Checked in, went back to my room, locked the doors and slept for a few hours. Then woke up cause of the nightmare.. ugh.

Went back home yesterday night late, it went ok

So surprises never stop coming
Anyway I came back home this afternoon to find some of my parents luggage in the livingroom.
So I was wondering what's up and asked my mother.
And she said we are going to the south of Thailand tomorrow morning early... So I couldn't help but say 'Geesh, thanks for not telling me, what if I hadn't asked, would you just have left without me?'. She ignored that question. Wouldn't have been surprised if they would have though. Gosh.
So I don't know where exactly we'll be going, I'll just make sure I'll be ready in time to leave with them.

So we arrived in Phuket a couple of hours ago.
I think I like Chiang Mai better but that's probably because I know my way around there now, it feels more comfortable and safe.
It should be cool that I can go to the beach now though

We are flying back home tonight.
I don't know if I will be online much from now on as I'm a little nervous about going online at home.
We'll see. Either way if you hear nothing from me for a while, that's why. Don't worry.

Well I wish you a safe flight back to your home.

Hope things would be better for you there.

We'll miss you buddy since you won't be online much anymore

Take Care

Marvin

Watch-out for tsunami's in Phuket, and hope that you have a safe flight back home. Don't they have wi-fi where you are from? Many better hotels have wi-fi and so do many coffee places like Starbucks. Your public library might have internet access too. Some airports have wi-fi too. You should be able to get on the internet at all kinds of places fairly privately.

Hope your return to the Netherlands goes smoothly and if this guy continues to give you trouble I would recommend that you try to seek legal remedies. What this guy is doing to you is criminal, and I'll bet that you are not his only victim. Why not put a stop to it? Call the police and ask to speak to a detective in the sexual assault division. They will put a stop to it. You deserve a better life than that.

You know where to find us if you need help.

Mark

Hi everyone,

I know it's been awhile, but I haven't really been able to go on this site much. I don't want to go on at home and i'm burried in schoolwork and my friends take up time to and work and soccer and everything :P
Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that i'm alright.
Take care

Jesse

Glad your Ok Jesse!

Sooooo good to hear from you, Jesse, try and stay in touch when you can.

Jesse

So good to hear your doing alright. Good to know you have your activities going again, I know in Thailand you weren't able to do much but chat on the internet.

Gus

Jesse

I'm glad your okay.

Marvin

thanks for the replies guys
Just wanted to say im still doing ok
still swamped by school though
So i still won't be on much but i'll try to be on more often
no promises though!
Take care,

Jesse

It's wonderful to hear that you are ok and doing relatively well, Jesse. Hang in there!

Jesse,

I miss ya

Its really good the your doing okay.

Marvin

still here *waves*
Still alive and well
School just finished and i passed (but barely) so all is good
I will try to spend some more time here as it's holidays now but I still got work so i'll see.

Hope everyone is doing well

Jesse

Hey Jesse

Glad to here your still alive


Marvin

Hi *waves* still here and ok

GOOD!

anything new w/ u??

Marvin

Hey B

Nothing special, just hanging with friends, working, that kinda stuff. How are you doing?

Jesse

I've not been home much, basically only to eat,sleep,shower, that's it. Now that it's gonna be autumn again i won't be able to do this as much though.

Also just lately my father has been more agressive again, for the longest time he just ignored me, but the last 2 weeks he has been trying to pick fights with me again. I just walk away but he gets on my nerves anyway. Sure doesn't help my nightmares and flashbacks either. I bought myself a lock for on the door, they haven't noticed yet, but it helps me sleep at night, at least.

Other then that i'm doing fine. Just started school this week. How's everyone doing?

Jesse

I'm doing good!

and good luck w/ school!

Marvin