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#285039 - 04/23/09 08:36 AM Re: Shock [Re: blueshift]
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
I don't think your first message was irrelevant rambling, either way thanks for both smile

I'm not sure if my father knew about it, I always thought not, don't think there's much going on in that head anyway, by now all the alcohol surely must have killed most active braincells... Also.. If he knew.. Why would he wait till now to do something.. It just doesn't make sense.

I'm really sorry if I'm making people concerned or anything like that, it was never my intention to do that/ though I wasn't thinking to clear when I first started the topic, I could have known it would bring up such emotions.

I do still feel at blame for what happened... I know it's them who did the bad thing not me but still.. can't believe I didn't do anything. It was as if I had no control over my body anymore, as if it had a remote control and I didn't own the remote control but they did... I can't help but feel that way.
But I won't be this surprised anymore so I don't think it will happen anymore or at least not without a fight..

I just can't talk about it. Just the idea freaks me out already.
Thanks for the tip on body memories. I will try that next time if I remember it.

Jesse


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#285059 - 04/23/09 12:51 PM Re: Shock [Re: Jesse92]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
jesse


i had the same feeling when i was being abused, i just let them do it. I think the answer is rooted in fear, and not being assertive enough. When i was real young i was assertive, but from 10 to 17 i was scared.

My point is kids know how to push other kids around real early, so it has to do with confidence and also not being assertive enough.

Anyways, i'm glad your on your guard, and your not going to let this guy do it to you again. Once this guy knows your going to put up a good fight, then he will give up on you. Especailly if he tries to grab a hold of you, all big guys do that to little guys. When he grabs you and pulls you close, knee him right in the nuts. I saw that happen in jail one time, and the big guy had to go to the hospital he was in so much pain. And needless to say he left the little guy alone after that.

Remember an ass kicking don't hurt while it's happening...it might hurt the next day, but your adrenalin is flowing and you just don't feel the pain. Your dad has hit on you a few times, so you know what it's like.

I look forword to you getting back home to europe, where your friends are.

Gus

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#285070 - 04/23/09 02:05 PM Re: Shock [Re: Gus Bierer]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I think I have to disagree about it just being fear or lack of confidence. I mean, I guess it could be that, but for me that paralysis is something that completely shuts me down mentally which fear by it's self doesn't usually do.

**T** The last time I got raped I was terrified because I had already been shot once in my life and I was sure I was going to get shot again, but I still was able to keep thinking somewhat whereas at another time when I was starting to be abused in a sexual situation, there was no fear, but I got triggered and somehow just turned into a mindless zombie for a moment.

I think when a person is abused at a young age, they develop conditioned responses to survive but then later those responses can be triggered again and set you up for more abuse.

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS!!! This was done to you long before you were old enough and big enough to do anything about it. I strongly doubt that courage or lack of it had anything to do with it.

You sound to me like a very tough and courageous young man and I doubt you could have been taken advantage of unless there was a conditioned response kicking in that you had no control over.

So I think you should give yourself a break for not reacting the way you would have wanted to, and I also think you should take any steps necessary to make sure such a situation never happens again because even though you feel like you can handle it better next time, you don't really know for certain what your actual reaction might be.

Most wild animals are very smart about the way they deal with humans; they always maintain a certain distance so that whatever happens they always have a head start. I think people who have been abused need to be that way with abusers too any way they can, because otherwise, the abuser has the advantage of the vulnerabilities that the abuse created.



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#285074 - 04/23/09 02:12 PM Re: Shock [Re: blueshift]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
Good stuff, bravo

i totally agree with the animal analogy, keep a little more distanse. Have an escape route in mind, that way you don't have to depend on your instincts


Gus

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#285204 - 04/24/09 11:51 AM Re: Shock [Re: Jesse92]
Bruce1000 Offline


Registered: 02/19/09
Posts: 11
Loc: United States
I just want you to know I'm your friend and have gone through the same feelings your going through. This is a problem I've been facing now, not being able to help you guys. Especially the younger guys.
I'm trying to deal with all this myself. Do what you feel is best.
I'm glad I met you. You are a great person and I hope be a great friend in the future. Talk if you want, just what you feel is right. This is how I feel about you.
ROBERT (Bruce1000)

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Our years are as the falling leaves-we live we love we dream, and then we go. But somehow we keep hoping don't we that our dreams come true on that Brighter Day.
.........Opening to old radio serial BRUGHT DAY (1948-1956)

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#285314 - 04/25/09 10:40 AM Re: Shock [Re: Bruce1000]
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
Talking about escape routes lol

I overheard my mother talking with my abuser again, I was kinda hoping he would stay away... anyway I was up in my room deciding what I should do but when I heard him say their plane leaves coming tuesday I knew enough.

I could hear them very clearly because this is a house with very thin walls and floors, if I lye down on my stomach i can look trough the cracks and see the livingroom lol.

I climbed out of the window lol I just didn't even wanna see him, wether I will be able to just walk outside cause my mother was there also. I could do this because there is some kind of half open shed under my window and from there I could easily drop on the ground.

I didn't care if anyone would see me, they can think what they want. I won't be surprised if even my mother and him saw or heard me, but I didn't look back. I did remember to bring some clothes and such even though my stomach felt like it was turning around.

So 3 more nights on the streets, I can do that. At least then I won't have to be afraid of them anymore.
I'm still shaking though.

Jesse


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#285325 - 04/25/09 02:28 PM Re: Shock [Re: Jesse92]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
Jesse

I'm so glad for you...your being proactive in this thing. And your facing your fears of the unknown, by going on the streets. You have found that you can survive on the streets, i get that feeling from reading your posts.

Your taken care of your business...that's what a man does. I'm proud of you.


Gus

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#285328 - 04/25/09 03:13 PM Re: Shock [Re: Gus Bierer]
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
I knew i could deal with the streets, i've done this before in the netherlands and even here, before the recent mess.
So it's not much unknown. And it's not very dangerous here.
It just sucks. I'd rather sleep in a bed tonight then in a chair at the pool tomorrow (or later today i guess).


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#285377 - 04/26/09 03:43 AM Re: Shock [Re: Jesse92]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Way to go bro! That's the way! Don't even let him get close! If it's any consolation, I haven't been sleeping either.

But sleep is overrated. At least you know when the f- head is leaving!

Just make sure he catches that plane! wink





Edited by blueshift (04/26/09 11:24 AM)
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#285380 - 04/26/09 05:13 AM Re: Shock [Re: blueshift]
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
I haven't been able to sleep today cause of the weather (raining) so I'm gonna try to book a room at a cheap hostel or guesthouse for one or two nights - i'm making an exception.
Hopefully it won't be a problem i'm not 18 yet, but we'll see! smile


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