Jesse,

What you are describing are sensory memories - some people refer to them as body memories too - and NO, you are not loosing your mind.

I know that this feels very debilitating in the moment, but if you just allow this to happen, let it come up and then come out of you, you will be in a much better place afterward.

The last such sensory memory I had was in December - just as I was stepping out of the shower - BANG - it rooted me to the spot. I could once again feel the sun on my naked skin, smell the grass and the fetid water of the swimming hole. I felt searing pain and tearing in my rectum and my mouth was filled the taste of all those teen boys I had done.

But the worst of it was that I could hear them laughing at me, jeering and teasing me - and I let myself cry. Way back then I didn't dare cry for fear that that would make things worse for me, but as I stood halfway in and halfway out the shower I got a clear picture of my eleven year old self smilling my way through everything that they put me through and for the very first time in over forty years I was able to let the tears flow, the tears that I had been holding back all that time. I cried for a long time that day, and I cried it all out too. It was very liberating - those particular memories no longer have a hold on me, they no longer hurt.

Rest assured that you are not loosing your mind, but rather your subconcious is attempting to rid your spirit of the pain of your memories - go with it, let it happen and then be done with it.

Thanks for explaining... I've had a few since yesterday and they last so long... almost to the point people start noticing something is wrong. Just let it come and then be done with it - I wish I could make it pass faster though.
This seems almost to much to handle
When it happens it's sometimes almost to difficult to remember that its 'just' another flashback. It feels so real.

Jesse,

I know that this has been talked about already and I understand that it is not available to you where you are, but you really need to be working with a T trained in Male CSA issues. These aren't "just" flashbacks, they are major events in your day and you need help processing these things.

In the meantime, do some research on PTSD and see if that doesn't help to answer a lot of the questions you have about what is happening to you and how you are experiencing it.

So I was thinking about going back home tonight. I'm soooo tired I would like to be able to sleep and well.. gotta go home sometime anyway... I tried yesterday but chickened out at the last moment. I want to try again tonight but i'm so nervous my stomach hurts. Let's see.. if i can do it tonight. Not sure what i'll find so.. gotta be ready to bolt when i need to.

Ok, so i did go home and at least the unwanted visitors weren't there.... I'm still nerveus they might come back though, now i'm sleeping at home again. We'll see..

Jess, I'm really upset this has happened to you! I completely understand the paralysis you talked about and I understand the shame that makes you not want to go to the police. I know when I was being abused as a kid I knew I could make it stop if I told someone, but I chose the abuse over telling someone.

Please try to understand that this shame does not rightly belong to you. It isn't yours, you don't deserve it and it shouldn't keep you bound to an abusive situation.

I understand you had a spell where you weren't being abused for a while and you thought it was all over with but it sounds to me like it's not going to be over as long as you remain silent about it.

You deserve and have a right to demand much better than this! I know how scary it must seem to go to the police, but what is the alternative? You need to heal from abuse not get more of it!

i won't be surprised anymore from now on..

I don't sleep well at night so I'm always tired.
Nightmares I was used to, and because of my dad i've always been a ligth sleeper, but the past... things.. made me so anxious.
I kept waking up all the time last night, afraid they might have come back or something. In the evening when it's time to go home my stomach hurts. Also i've had a headache for the past few days or so, lol, gosh what a mess I am.
I just can't get used to those ... body memories though... Think might hate those the most. :s

jesse

i am really sorry your going through such a rough time, you must know from spending so much time together in the chat room that i am your friend. All i can offer you is support, to be there when you want to talk. Take care of yourself


Gus

I decided to change this post after realizing how much irrelevant rambling was in it so sorry for changing it up on you if you've already seen it. I just didn't want to overload you with stuff that isn't important.

There is one thing you might try as far as helping with flashbacks and body memories that I have personally found helpful for myself. When you start getting a flashback or body memory, try rubbing something soft with your fingers and focus your attention as intensely as you can on that sensation.

If it works for you like it works for me, it will take the edge off a little.

There is something I'm wondering about. Do you think your dad might have known about the sexual abuse the whole time? His participation in it this last time makes me wonder. I really am extremely concerned for you and feel you should think again about going to the embassy in Bangkok.

The fact that you were victimized again, even though you are physically able to defend yourself does not mean you are weak or that you wanted the abuse, it just means that you suffer severe post traumatic stress from what had happened to you already and it set you up to be abused again by disabling you.

I know because it's happened to me as an adult! Brain shuts down and your a helpless zombie! Please don't judge yourself or beat yourself up for having that reaction--it's very common and is part of how we are affected by our abuse.