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#283881 - 04/16/09 07:12 AM Shock *triggers*
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
I was just reading my last comment again at the other thread I made on this forum...
'I don't have to be afraid of him anymore, I can just run away or fight him of' or something like that..
I was going home yesterday evening - dad snoring in his favourite chair with the tv on loud. Only strange thing my mother was home reading a book wich rarely happens but i shrugged it off.
Went up to my room to get the biggest shock of my life ever -
HE is sitting there on my bed and some other guy I don't know.
I was frozen to the floor.. ugh i feel so dirty now ugh i dont know.. ok more later can't go on now

Jesse



Edited by Jesse92 (04/16/09 10:17 AM)
Edit Reason: added *trigger* warning

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#283892 - 04/16/09 09:48 AM Re: Shock [Re: Jesse92]
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
I just dont understand why he would go trough the trouble and spend all this money to come visit us on the other side of the world... just to make my life more h^ll then it already is or something? I guess my parents didn't think it necesarry to tell me we would have a guest or i'd not go home yesterday - he's staying for 5 days or so he said... Well i'm NOT going home till i'm sure he's gone... Sorry need a break.


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#283900 - 04/16/09 11:56 AM Re: Shock [Re: Jesse92]
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
it totally feels like a bad dream i just know its not though..
i never thought something like this would happen... again...
i musta been in shock or something or maybe im still idunno
im to calm i might be.. feels very empty sometimes though get this shiver cant help it
other thing i remember next morning well this morning really i stumble downstairs to get some water next thing i'm spilling it on the floor and my father is all over me hitting me and stuff i dunno why i didnt just go away he was completely drunk i know i could have ... oh well to late now


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#283906 - 04/16/09 12:35 PM Re: Shock [Re: Jesse92]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Jesse,

I hear you - I really do. I've been reading all of your posts so I know what a mess you find yourself in over there. Do you have any street friends that you can go to for shelter? You must certainly have met someone in Thailand that you can go to. You need to stay out of that appartement as much as possible.

Here's my other question; do you have any relatives in the Netherlands that you can appeal to for help, maybe get you back home and away from from your folks?

I come from a similar abuse backround to yours and at fourteen I simply walked away. I had no one to turn to and I had to make out on my own. The streets were no safer back in 1970 when I did it than they are today, but my choices at the time were either continue living in my 'home' and possibly be killed there or strike out on my own. I chcse the latter.

Before you make such a radical choice for yourself, is there anyone, anyone at all, that you can appeal to in order to get away from these people who call themselves your familly?

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283908 - 04/16/09 12:49 PM Re: Shock [Re: joelRT]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I agree with Joel. Is there anybody you can talk to? It's important to get away from getting hurt.


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#283909 - 04/16/09 12:51 PM Re: Shock [Re: joelRT]
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
I dont know anyone here, I don't speak Thai, don't go to school here either. It's not a great option but i'll live it's not very dangerous here its alright.
Back home.. i dont know, i dont have that much contact with my family at all. I don't really wanna tell anyone about this stuff anyway. I just never thought this would happen.. again... i guess i was just to shocked to properly react and run away or something.
Running away isn't really an option but a few days is ok..
i'd definetely never imagine my.. father.. would be capable of the same thing.. i know he's not going to remember he was way to drunk that morning..somehow i guess he decided to test to the max how far he could go under my father's eyes all of a sudden.. just... why now.. my father's never done this before.. and again i didnt do anything
i didnt do anything

numb shocked sad numb pain disgust mad at myself .... .........


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#283911 - 04/16/09 01:05 PM Re: Shock [Re: Jesse92]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Jesse,

It's OK to fight back! I know that it's easy to do the first few times, actually it's scary as hell to do. But you would be shocked to see how quickly people back down when you stand up to them.

Child abusers are COWARDS, they are bullies and they rely on the fear that they instill in their victims to maintain power over them. More than one survivor here can tell you that once he stood up to his abuser that abuser became a blubbering mess and backed off to never bother that survivor again.

Jesse, if you can't outrun them then you're going to have to take a stance for yourself and defend Jesse. Who else will if you don't? I know that probably seems like a terrifying prospect, but remember that many before you have done it at your age, and younger, with amazing results and with great success.

You have the right to defend yourself against unacceptable behaviour, Jesse. Will you?

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283913 - 04/16/09 01:14 PM Re: Shock [Re: joelRT]
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
ive ran/defended myself before
against both my father and him
my abuser hasnt been able to bother me in over half a year now..
i guess seeing him in the place i'd least expect him - half across the world - shocked me enough i couldnt have done anything if i'd tried.. boom.. as if id disconnected my mind from my body or something... this morning.. same thing..
i've fought them off before.. i couldnt now... just couldnt do a dmn thing but stand there..


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#283926 - 04/16/09 05:36 PM Re: Shock [Re: Jesse92]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Yeah well, shock can paralize a person no doubt about, but you are no longer in shock, right? You'll be able to see it coming now - now you are no longer powerless.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283938 - 04/16/09 09:01 PM Re: Shock [Re: joelRT]
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
right...
i'm not even gonna let it come to that
I just won't go home as long as they are there


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