Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cards (33), korbin2003 (39), Rosemary (53), Zebra (47)
Who's Online
7 registered (coffeelady, bluesky, sadclown, don64, 3 invisible), 21 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63218 Topics
442045 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#283593 - 04/14/09 07:21 AM Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners)
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
I found the checklist below on an unrelated website dealing with bettered women's issues....

I had never considered that my Dear One's behavior might be abusive toward me - I always thought of it as part of his recovery process. I am now totally confused!

If, in fact, he is simply passing on the abuse he suffered to me, is there any way out of this? Would it do any good at all to show the checklist to him? He is really a good man, at heart, but emotionally he stopped growing at the age the abuse began. Nevertheless, the impact of his behavior upon me is life-robbing.

I would love some feedback - because he is once again shutting me out....

Thanks!




The Checklist

He doesn’t put me down or sexually abuse me, but he does things to hurt me on a regular basis. He negelcts me. He keeps me at a distance and isn’t there for me and lets me down all the time, Is it abuse?

He may be abusing you by neglecting and distancing himself. Here are signs that you are being psychologically abused in this subtle way:

1) He is not there for you when you are sick, tired or in need of his help or if you need a favor. You tell him you need him and it hurts that he isn’t there, but he keeps on doing it.

2) He moans or complains when you cry, need to talk or just want to have normal conversation. In spite of your complaints, his behavior doesn’t change. It does appear to change & get much much better.... but then we just go right back to where we were.

3) He fails to do things like call you when he says he will. You voice that this hurts your feelings but he keeps doing it.

4) He stands you up, often making other things in his life more important than you in spite of your complaints that he doesn’t spend much time with you in comparison to his other activities. No matter how much you complain, he still puts you at the bottom of his list.

5) He frequently lets you down. Is late for dates or forgets important anniversaries or birthdays.

6) He doesn’t celebrate with you when you have a success and he doesn’t seem interested when you talk about your dreams. Doesn't apply.

7) The conversations with him are almost ALWAYS about HIM. He complains about his life but does he listen to you? Never. Doesn't apply.

8) You are constantly trying to discover ways to get his attention.

9) He frequently ignores you if you’re upset or refuses to have a conversation because he says he doesnt’ like “confrontation.” Implicit, not explicit.

10) He always puts others and other things before you—-always.I'm in the middle of going out of town and recording....

11) He gives you just enough love and attention to keep you around but not quite enough. Tells me he will play a song for me, but it is a song I cannot ever hear....

12) He never does anything special for you and he never says thank you or shows his appreciation that you did something for him. Not exactly true.[He does show appreciation but he cannot give special attention./color]

13) If he is upset or hurt about something or scared, he withdrawals instead of sharing his emotions with you.

14) He doesn’t share his success with you. He doesn’t share his dreams. [color:#3366FF[color:#3366FF]]Not true - when we DO talk, he is very open.
[/color]

15) He frequently lets you cry and doesn’t even respond. Not "there" enough to know I am crying.

16) He lies to you. Not that I know of.

17) He does things he knows will hurt you. (Like not calling for four or five days). It may be possible that he just does not know.. but it is getting increasingly difficult to believe this.

18)He won’t commit to calling you his girlfriend. He won’t say he loves you and if he does, you’ll be lucky to hear it again.

19) He doesn’t introduce you to his friends/family. He makes plans that always fall through.

20) He never says he’s sorry or takes responsibility for anything stupid that he does to you. I get the apology & then it all reverts back to exactly the way it was.

If you are being psychologically abused

You may feel….

At a loss as to how to get his attention. He pays so much attention to everything else in his life, but not you. I could light myself on fire right in front of him & he'd just look puzzled & murmur "Hmmm.... Is something burning?" & walk away.

Like minimizing the things he does saying, “Oh, it isn’t that big of a deal” when inside you really feel terribly hurt. Please don't be sad...

Exhausted trying to be good to him when you get so little in return.

Depressed and unloved.

Unattractive, undesirable.

Empty.

Fragile/hypersensitive

On the edge of your seat waiting to see whether he’ll do what he promised “this time”

Nervous/on edge

You have a funny gut feeling that something just isn’t right in the relationship but can’t put your finger on it Realtionship????

When someone dismisses and neglects you and your feelings to the point of making you feel unloved, unappreciated and invisible then that, my friend, is abuse.

Your thoughts???

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#283631 - 04/14/09 12:11 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: kolisha54]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
My heart goes out to all of the women married to a male CSA survivor. What a challenge you girls find yourselves in!

Ten years after my divorce, it's very easy for me to see all of the reasons that we didn't stand a chance in heaven or hell of pulling it off. My wife was married to a child - that is not a marriage!

As survivors we stop developing emotionally (and for some, psychologically as well) and the time that intial trauma occured. We age in years, we take on the caracteristics of men but we don not grow into men. Sorry guys, just a fact that's all - and one that is very well researched and documented.

Me? I remained a frightened eleven year old boy looking for someone, anyone, to make me safe and to take all the hurting away. I met Linda and well, the rest is history as they say. She became my surrogate parent. And she did so because I maneuverd her into the role - unwittingly, but no less true. While I was active in the life that we were building together I was not married to my partner.

Did I abuse my wife? Unbeknownst to me at time, yes I certainly did abuse her in many ways.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

Top
#283633 - 04/14/09 12:30 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: joelRT]
fromtoday Offline


Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Kolisha,

In my marriage I was abused by my husband, and I certainly abused my husband.

Joel talks about being stuck at a particular age, my husband is/was (I say is/was because the age thing only seems to manifest itself under times of stress now) stuck.

Until very recently I had never considered that I was very immature too, I was maternal, controlling and suffocating.

We had/have the mother/son dynamic and this is something we are both working to change, me to stop being the mom and him to stop treating me like one.

I'm grateful that my husband entered recovery, and later I had a lightbulb moment when I realised the problems were not all his, we are still work in progress, but today is a good day.

The question is when is enough enough. Only you know when you are done with the relationship and if it's helps I do think that line needs to be drawn somewhere.

_________________________
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
_________________________________________________
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

Top
#283639 - 04/14/09 02:23 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: fromtoday]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi Kolisha,

I can agree with pretty much every statement listed above. But, I would never have thought my husband was psychologically abusing me. I still want to believe him to be the sweet man I fell in love with but am slowly starting to face the reality that he has changed or the real him is coming out. That person is in fact abusive though I doubt it is intentional.

It is ironic that he feels the most anger toward his mother because he believes the abuse happened because she neglected him; he is guilty of neglecting me during our entire marriage. Oddly enough, none of the above was true until we actually married. I would have answered false to all of the statements above while we were dating and engaged. I will likely never know what caused the Jekyll & Hyde.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

Top
#283640 - 04/14/09 03:30 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: Junefriday]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Funny this would be at the top of the list when I come back after a long hiadas ;-) God and her sense of humour.

That list is quite good, much of it I can say I am guilty of and there are some I don't think I am guilty of... but those could still be points of denial for my.

JuneFriday, I like where you noted that there was a Jekyll/Hyde change once you got married... I was at a staisis with controling my pain at bay until the birth of our first child, and that was my trigger.

My wellbeing is significantly influenced by stressors, and the last couple of months I was triggered by events that reminded me of being the boy caught in the middle of messed up parents... this sent me for a tail spin and I know it caused pain for my wife and children... I find myself withdrawing from all who love and care for me when I get triggered into my state of self loathing.

I am getting away from the point... I love you all for being here and sharing from the heart.

Deepest Love and respect to each of you,

Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

Top
#283648 - 04/14/09 04:24 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: wes-b]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Sure, us survivors have our problems, sure, there are difficulties, and we have to deal with them, and in a way a partner will share some of that burden, but in that they love eachother and are struggling through it together, not that the survivor is lashing out at the partner all the time. If you think he is using his issues as an excuse then maybe he is, there are plenty of happily married survivors out there, think about that.

I know partners arent going to put up with everything, will eventually become impatient and fed up with it all, but if the whole relationship becomes a struggle then that would be expected, just like in any relationship. If you don't have the good with the bad, if he doesnt celebrate with you and TRY to make an effort, then sure you have a problem.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
#283649 - 04/14/09 04:36 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: wes-b]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Koliasha,

I think of myself as an extrovert, but at the same time, I really relate to how I isolate...to the point of neglect.

My thoughts are that with my ptsd, I really can't help not remembering importatant dates i.e. anniversaries and birthdays.

Beyond that I just need to accept my brokenness. In doing so it empowers me to, read said list, and make it a point to try and change.

So...Today I am planning on going to the, "northside" for a nice romantic walk with my SO.


Broken...Yes...Surrender...N.F.W...!!!

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

Top
#283660 - 04/14/09 06:54 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: Junefriday]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
I can agree with pretty much every statement listed above. But, I would never have thought my husband was psychologically abusing me. I still want to believe him to be the sweet man I fell in love with but am slowly starting to face the reality that he has changed or the real him is coming out. That person is in fact abusive though I doubt it is intentional.

Yes - this is the unreality of it! My Dear One is the gentlest soul on earth - so to see him twisting into this uncaring behavior is THE definition of "cognative dissonance!" I just cannot believe what is happening! But - it really IS happening AND what happened to him as a child, as unimaginable as it seems, really DID happen.

So terribly sad!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#283661 - 04/14/09 06:55 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: joelRT]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Oh Joel - you have grown so much since then!!! I hope it comforts you to know how much your insights mean to me!!!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#283662 - 04/14/09 06:57 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: fromtoday]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
FromToday -

How did you guess? We are BOTH survivors, although what happened to me occurred as an adult.

The whole wavelike dynamic is amplified a million times when both people are straining to work at recovery.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#283665 - 04/14/09 07:01 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: wes-b]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
My wellbeing is significantly influenced by stressors, and the last couple of months I was triggered by events that reminded me of being the boy caught in the middle of messed up parents... this sent me for a tail spin and I know it caused pain for my wife and children... I find myself withdrawing from all who love and care for me when I get triggered into my state of self loathing.

Wes - thank you for reminding me that his withdrawal is self-protective & he probably feels even worse for needing to do it. Nevertheless, my Dear One seems not to have the capacity to feel important enough to know that he is missed when he checks out, that it kills me when he disappears, that I (strong, together, competent, funny ME) cry like a baby when he neglects me.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#283666 - 04/14/09 07:04 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: king tut]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
King T -

You are sooo right! When all is said & done, some of us STILL come from Mars & some of us STILL come from Venus...

I think what is the most frustating & painful thing of all is that both of us have had some of THE sweetest, most intimate moments with each other that we have ever had in our lives.

But - they are tiny little bursts of light for me in a very dark landscape.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#283667 - 04/14/09 07:05 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: 1islandboy]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Island -

This is the BEST news you could ever have sent me!

Please give her a kiss on the cheek from me???

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#284309 - 04/18/09 11:04 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: kolisha54]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
My wife and I work with marriages in distres and facilitate marriage groups with a therapist. I caution the use of this list. It has many good questions yet the interpretation of answers, the expectation of certain answers, and the cause or intent of certain actions cannot be summed up in a list such as this. A mans withdrawal is about him and his damage. Yes it may hurt you but how intentional is it. Does it change if his heart heals and he grows or does he intend to hurt. Abuse can be direct or indirect and often the actions are out of ignorance, childishness, selfishness on our part. But I highly reccomend yall get this in front of a T and avoid self diagnosing. We are blind to what we don't see where the T can see much more.


Top
#284349 - 04/19/09 06:47 AM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: sojourn111]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thanks, Sojourn. I have counselled battered women, so I think the list is a highly uselful tool.

There are 2 people in every couple.

If one of them is hurting so badly BECAUSE of the apparently abusive actions or neglect of the other, at some point, the motivation for the hurtful actions becomes irrelevent.

Yes, we as partners need to develop a finely-honed sense of compassion - more strong and more delicately attuned than could seem to be humaly possible. But. We are entitled to limits and boundaries. The list of neglectful behaviors is a wake-up call for us to understand that WE have also been neglecting ourselves in our support for our partners. No therapist can peer into our hearts and truly know when we have reached the limit - this is for us to do on our own, in the silence of our own Truths.

Just MHO.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.