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#283665 - 04/14/09 07:01 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: wes-b]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
My wellbeing is significantly influenced by stressors, and the last couple of months I was triggered by events that reminded me of being the boy caught in the middle of messed up parents... this sent me for a tail spin and I know it caused pain for my wife and children... I find myself withdrawing from all who love and care for me when I get triggered into my state of self loathing.

Wes - thank you for reminding me that his withdrawal is self-protective & he probably feels even worse for needing to do it. Nevertheless, my Dear One seems not to have the capacity to feel important enough to know that he is missed when he checks out, that it kills me when he disappears, that I (strong, together, competent, funny ME) cry like a baby when he neglects me.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#283666 - 04/14/09 07:04 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: king tut]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
King T -

You are sooo right! When all is said & done, some of us STILL come from Mars & some of us STILL come from Venus...

I think what is the most frustating & painful thing of all is that both of us have had some of THE sweetest, most intimate moments with each other that we have ever had in our lives.

But - they are tiny little bursts of light for me in a very dark landscape.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#283667 - 04/14/09 07:05 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: 1islandboy]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Island -

This is the BEST news you could ever have sent me!

Please give her a kiss on the cheek from me???

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#284309 - 04/18/09 11:04 PM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: kolisha54]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
My wife and I work with marriages in distres and facilitate marriage groups with a therapist. I caution the use of this list. It has many good questions yet the interpretation of answers, the expectation of certain answers, and the cause or intent of certain actions cannot be summed up in a list such as this. A mans withdrawal is about him and his damage. Yes it may hurt you but how intentional is it. Does it change if his heart heals and he grows or does he intend to hurt. Abuse can be direct or indirect and often the actions are out of ignorance, childishness, selfishness on our part. But I highly reccomend yall get this in front of a T and avoid self diagnosing. We are blind to what we don't see where the T can see much more.


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#284349 - 04/19/09 06:47 AM Re: Need feedback from Male Survivors (& Partners) [Re: sojourn111]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thanks, Sojourn. I have counselled battered women, so I think the list is a highly uselful tool.

There are 2 people in every couple.

If one of them is hurting so badly BECAUSE of the apparently abusive actions or neglect of the other, at some point, the motivation for the hurtful actions becomes irrelevent.

Yes, we as partners need to develop a finely-honed sense of compassion - more strong and more delicately attuned than could seem to be humaly possible. But. We are entitled to limits and boundaries. The list of neglectful behaviors is a wake-up call for us to understand that WE have also been neglecting ourselves in our support for our partners. No therapist can peer into our hearts and truly know when we have reached the limit - this is for us to do on our own, in the silence of our own Truths.

Just MHO.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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