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#283497 - 04/13/09 10:35 AM He came face to face
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
My husband is a CSA survivor and has been coming to terms with his past mostly through us talking. I don't pretend to be a professional but it's hard to get him to one due to his work hours and the fact that he hates the first therapist we saw. right now I'm lost, while at his parents house yesterday his abuser (an older cousin) showed up IDK if he'd seen him since the abuse ended needless to say i was scared and pissed. scared my husband would get violent only because his family (except his sister) doesn't know about the abuse and it would have raised questions he didn't want asked, pissed that the sorry sack of shit didn't see ANYTHING wrong with showing up, and that the family fuckin welcomed him! his kids where takin from him cause he sexually abused them and no one saw a problem with him bein in a house full of kids yesterday! I made sure my son stayed light years away from the sicko WTF!? even if you could see him at all times you don't know what he was THINKING and i don't give a shit if he's "sorry" sorry doesn't undo what was done to my husband. I couldn't look at him cause i was in the kitchen with all the knives and i swear if i had looked at him i'd be in prison now. all i could do last night was hold my husband and this morning i got on the horn tryin to get him an appointment with a new therapist ASAP. Is there anything else i can do? Please help.....


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#283499 - 04/13/09 10:52 AM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
That must have been hard on you and your husband. Especially having your son with you! he sexually abused his own kids too even. If i had a son and i had my son with me and my abuser showed up unannounced so that i wasn't prepared for it i would get the hell out of there, because my blood would be quietly boiling. I would have made an excuse and left, because i would have been really angry and uncomfortable. Your husband needs an outlet, an emotional outlet somehow, i don't know, i can imagine he must have a lot of stored up emotions....

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#283503 - 04/13/09 11:48 AM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
H4H,

I don't really like the way this going to sound, but I'm glad to see you back - I'm just sorry that you need to here is all.

That being said, good on you for coming back and venting your hurt and frustration here; you're amongst people who understand all too well what it is you're going through so don't be shy about expressing yourself, you need an outlet, girl, and we make real good liteners.

I'm not going to adress your husband's perp other than to say that these men do not have a moral coniounce. Beating your head around with the WHY did he....and the HOW could he have....is a serious waste of your energy and ultimately doesn't resolve anything - there will never be a satisfactory answer for you.

Give up the ghost on that one and rather re-focus your time and energy back into your immediate concern - your familly.

We've talked about this before, what your husband needs is a therapist who's speciality is male CSA. From experience I, and a great number of men on this site, can tell you that not just a good therapist will do. As male survivors our dynamic is a particular one and needs to adressed by someone who knows what they are talking about, what WE are talking about.

Baring that, he can always sign up here at MS. Try and get him to come on site and just look around, read the posts, let him get a feel for the place. He does not have to introduce himself and he certainly does not have to make any posts, but it will give him the opportunity to see first hand that there are indeed other people who speak exactly the way he feels, that he's not alone and that there is an awful lot of support. He just has to reach out for it.

Please let us know how things evolve for you, we do care.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283504 - 04/13/09 11:56 AM Re: He came face to face [Re: king tut]
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
He kept sayin "I should have said SOMETHING" and all I could tell him was "there was nothing to be said" the whole time I'm thinkin I should've DONE something. I always imagined meetin his cousin differently it involved showing up on his door step with a .41 and without all that family around. I got this cold chill down my spine when my husband came back into the kitchen (he answered the door). I looked at my plate and kinda played with my food I couldn't look at DH either afraid of what i'd see in his eyes that scared abandoned lil boy...I'd have lost it and my son was just in the other room. It's sick how the family was all "Hey! good to see you!" sick ass son of a bitch.


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#283506 - 04/13/09 12:46 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Yeah, our hope is that if we just say or do the right thing in the right way, then the SOB will finally 'get it', that he'll see all the damage that he is responsable for and thus we can feel somewhat vindicated. Oly that, in the real world it just doesn't work that way.

Your husband's cousin, by your de>
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My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283511 - 04/13/09 02:10 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: joelRT]
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
I know that in my head joel but my heart has decided to rule this matter and it most definately says different. Do you all mind if i ask....Did you have any adults in your life at the time tellin you "no matter what they say if someone touches you tell me?" I tell my son that all the time that even if they threaten to hurt me or someone else he loves or says we won't believe him that i have his back. every week or so i sit down with my son and ask if there's ANYTHING he wants to talk about and try to let him know that i want to know all that goes on with him no matter how dull. I asked my SIL if their mom did that and she said no but my mom did I knew i could take any problem to her, when she died there was very little if anything she didn't know about me. that's what i want with my child(ren). If you did did you tell them or keep it from them?


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#283514 - 04/13/09 03:17 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
My aunt knew that I had been gang-raped by my cousin and his friends. I was eleven. I was bed-ridden for four days afterward and she sat by my side most of those four days. She fed me, sang to me, bathed up he blood that kept leaking from me all while telling that I mustn't say anything to anyone - that people wouldn't understand, that people would talk, that maybe even the church Ladies wouldn't want her on their comity anymore....bla bla bla......

I come from a long line of pedophiles and incestuous relationships in my familly. She was only doing what she had been taught from childhood - keep the secret at all costs!!!

And that's what most boys do - they keep the secret, in spite of the fact that they have permission to tell. You have to understand that a boy who has been sexually abused is an emasculated boy and this irrespective of his outward behaviour.

It is in our male nature to vie one against the other and in the so doing we find and affirm our masculin identity. It is not in our male nature to be submisive to another male. When we are made to submit and commit acts that go against our inate nature, we lose a part of ourselves - thus the sense of emasculation that many of us carry hidden deep down inside of us.

So who does a boy go to and tell that he's no longer a man (all boys aspire to be men and in that they already believe to some degree that they are men) There comes a age in a boys developement when he just can't bring himself talk to his mommy about about sex things and most especially not sex things that involve his own body (genitalia). It goes against his inate nature to do so. The abused boy certainly can't tell his Dad, his hero, that he's not a man anymore, so where does he turn? Like your husband, he turns it inward and does his damnedest to bury it.

Yes some boys DO tell - however, if we were to take a poll here at MS (and we won't) most of the men here will tell you that they never told a soul!

Get thee to a book store or the local librairy, there are some excellent book about how to talk in an age appropriate way to children about bad sexual touch. It has been shown in various studies that when children are taught properly and are given the right vocabulary, many of them do come forward because they have the right info and the proper tools with which to do so.

Geez, I do go on, don't I?



Edited by joelRT (04/13/09 03:18 PM)
_________________________
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My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283528 - 04/13/09 04:43 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: joelRT]
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
I want to say i'm sorry that happend but don't want to sound like i fell sorry for you i know that's not what you want but i hope you understand what i'm tryin to say and that i do understand the difference. It angers me at the fact that society makes young men feel that way I would kill not figuratively anyone who did that to my son. should I delete my other question? it's not meant to be a poll but i guess it could be seen as one.


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#283535 - 04/13/09 05:25 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
My dear girl, no, don't delete your other post - it will give guys an opportunity to express themselves on what for many is a difficult and hurtful topic - many told and were not believed. It will also give you a broader view of a very complex subject indeed.

I don't very muc anyone would see your post as poll taking.

BTW - I don't think or feel that you feel sorry for me smile



Edited by joelRT (04/13/09 05:26 PM)
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
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#283758 - 04/15/09 11:35 AM Re: He came face to face [Re: joelRT]
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
Thank you for being understanding about my intentions and lack of ability to convey my feelings on this subject. (ha! that's a first believe me) I'd really hate to unintentionally offend anyone here this is the only place i can come to try to understand what we're going through. Our therapist sucks but he's starting with a new one tomorrow for the CSA. so wish him (us) luck.


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#283761 - 04/15/09 11:52 AM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
No Thank-Yous are necessary!

I am really pleased for you both about the new T - know that we are all behind you and are hoping for the best.

Sadly, it is often what you state - many Ts just suck at it, but it is worth it to keep looking 'till you finally hit the one that you fit with.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283764 - 04/15/09 12:38 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
joelRT, now i can see it clearer


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#283771 - 04/15/09 01:26 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
MPackard Offline


Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
H4H, I hope your H T was a good one....along these lines I wanted to ask you, Joel, if you think that a T that specializes in compulsive behaviors (and the underlying causes) can be considered a good T for a CSA survivor? H has been talking to her for about 5 mos and they spend a LOT of time on his CSA. I should point out that he is also an alcoholic and gambling addict.
Problem is, we're in S MS and there aren't any CSA specialists, per se....
But....he does seem to have some regular break-throughs. Re: nightmares and flashbacks....she actually told him that he may ALWAYS have these but that he's giving them too much power. The dreams have caused him to question his sexuality even though he's not attracted to men in a romantic way. She told him that since it was what he was first exposed to and that it probably felt good on some level that he would always have that memory and the dreams. She said that if he had been prematurely introduced to sex by a 50yo woman in a dark closet then he'd probably always have dreams of sex in dark closets but it wouldn't distress him because it was a woman....am i (or should I say-she) making any sense?


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#283779 - 04/15/09 02:12 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: MPackard]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
MPackard,

You're making sense - I'm too sure about the T however.

If your husband is indeed making breakthroughs that are translating into positive and measurable changes in his daily living then his T is helpfull. If, however, his breakthoughs remain at the discovery level, simply give him new information to fill his head with, that's necessarily helpfull. Therapy is a forward moving process and its progress must be measurable in a concrete way for it to be effective.

However, in regards to his CSA issues? Anyone of us here can tell that we don't make too much of our nightmares and our flashbacks. There isn't a man amongst who wouldn't pay big money indeed to be free of these often paralyzing and terrifying manifestations. A T specialized in Male CSA isuues would understand that and know how to respond in an appropriate fashion.

Your husband's T has made him responsable for what comes to him unbidden - as though he is guilty of having been traumatized. I ask you, does that make sense to you?

A member just posted about EMDR therapy, let give you that link. http://www.emdr-therapy.com/emdr.html

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283914 - 04/16/09 01:28 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
We went to see the new therapist today. He already comes off more knowledgeable than the others. He didn't jump right into the session he took a few minutes to introduce himself and give a brief background. DH asked me to come into the room with him. I guess he draws on my strength he said if I didn't come in he wouldn't be able to talk about it. So I started it off for him and sat quietly (only speaking when spoken to).
I'm EXTREMELY proud of him, he did really well. I understand how difficult it was to go through as a child and to have to "live" it again to try to move past it. He wasn't too happy about me having told about his suicide attempts but i told him this is not the time or place to fudge details. So i bought him lunch and he's now home fast asleep I just hope we're doing the right thing.he'd rather not talk about it at all and i repeatedly tell him he can only do this for himself. Thank you all for being the angels on my shoulder on this journey. I know it's just beggining and that the hard part is far from over, but it feels damn good to have jumped this hurdle. I only hope he feels the same and realizes just how well he did and how strong he is.


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#284623 - 04/20/09 05:30 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: joelRT]
MPackard Offline


Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
Thank you, Joel, for that link. I actually started EMDR several weeks ago for my own FOO traumas. I can already feel a difference in mind movies and such.
Regarding your post, is it your opinion, then, that proper T for a CSA survivor can erase the flashbacks and dreams?
Can you tell me what you would consider measurable progress? This has only been a few months. I'll say that he's only had one nightmare in the last few months and it didn't frighten him once he was awake, and that is truly progress. The dream itself scared him but it di'nt linger and ruin the entire day.
There are still several issues with his self esteem (nil) and his inability to imagine why I would love him, or even comprehend what that means.


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#285091 - 04/23/09 03:18 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
MzM Offline


Registered: 04/21/09
Posts: 5
Loc: between AR & FL
H4H,
Bless your heart, girl! My BF is a CSA survivor, who was abused by an older male cousin who is a preacher and is STILL welcomed to family events, etc., even though they all know what he did. This is probably why my BF chooses to live thousands of miles from family. I have often wished I could meet that man at the door with a 45, for what he did to my BF. I just hope I NEVER meet him, for fear that I'd automatically go into "click" mode. I'm glad your husband is going to a therapist. Wish my BF would. Wish you the best!


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