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#283497 - 04/13/09 10:35 AM He came face to face
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
My husband is a CSA survivor and has been coming to terms with his past mostly through us talking. I don't pretend to be a professional but it's hard to get him to one due to his work hours and the fact that he hates the first therapist we saw. right now I'm lost, while at his parents house yesterday his abuser (an older cousin) showed up IDK if he'd seen him since the abuse ended needless to say i was scared and pissed. scared my husband would get violent only because his family (except his sister) doesn't know about the abuse and it would have raised questions he didn't want asked, pissed that the sorry sack of shit didn't see ANYTHING wrong with showing up, and that the family fuckin welcomed him! his kids where takin from him cause he sexually abused them and no one saw a problem with him bein in a house full of kids yesterday! I made sure my son stayed light years away from the sicko WTF!? even if you could see him at all times you don't know what he was THINKING and i don't give a shit if he's "sorry" sorry doesn't undo what was done to my husband. I couldn't look at him cause i was in the kitchen with all the knives and i swear if i had looked at him i'd be in prison now. all i could do last night was hold my husband and this morning i got on the horn tryin to get him an appointment with a new therapist ASAP. Is there anything else i can do? Please help.....


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#283499 - 04/13/09 10:52 AM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
That must have been hard on you and your husband. Especially having your son with you! he sexually abused his own kids too even. If i had a son and i had my son with me and my abuser showed up unannounced so that i wasn't prepared for it i would get the hell out of there, because my blood would be quietly boiling. I would have made an excuse and left, because i would have been really angry and uncomfortable. Your husband needs an outlet, an emotional outlet somehow, i don't know, i can imagine he must have a lot of stored up emotions....

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#283503 - 04/13/09 11:48 AM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
H4H,

I don't really like the way this going to sound, but I'm glad to see you back - I'm just sorry that you need to here is all.

That being said, good on you for coming back and venting your hurt and frustration here; you're amongst people who understand all too well what it is you're going through so don't be shy about expressing yourself, you need an outlet, girl, and we make real good liteners.

I'm not going to adress your husband's perp other than to say that these men do not have a moral coniounce. Beating your head around with the WHY did he....and the HOW could he have....is a serious waste of your energy and ultimately doesn't resolve anything - there will never be a satisfactory answer for you.

Give up the ghost on that one and rather re-focus your time and energy back into your immediate concern - your familly.

We've talked about this before, what your husband needs is a therapist who's speciality is male CSA. From experience I, and a great number of men on this site, can tell you that not just a good therapist will do. As male survivors our dynamic is a particular one and needs to adressed by someone who knows what they are talking about, what WE are talking about.

Baring that, he can always sign up here at MS. Try and get him to come on site and just look around, read the posts, let him get a feel for the place. He does not have to introduce himself and he certainly does not have to make any posts, but it will give him the opportunity to see first hand that there are indeed other people who speak exactly the way he feels, that he's not alone and that there is an awful lot of support. He just has to reach out for it.

Please let us know how things evolve for you, we do care.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283504 - 04/13/09 11:56 AM Re: He came face to face [Re: king tut]
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
He kept sayin "I should have said SOMETHING" and all I could tell him was "there was nothing to be said" the whole time I'm thinkin I should've DONE something. I always imagined meetin his cousin differently it involved showing up on his door step with a .41 and without all that family around. I got this cold chill down my spine when my husband came back into the kitchen (he answered the door). I looked at my plate and kinda played with my food I couldn't look at DH either afraid of what i'd see in his eyes that scared abandoned lil boy...I'd have lost it and my son was just in the other room. It's sick how the family was all "Hey! good to see you!" sick ass son of a bitch.


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#283506 - 04/13/09 12:46 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Yeah, our hope is that if we just say or do the right thing in the right way, then the SOB will finally 'get it', that he'll see all the damage that he is responsable for and thus we can feel somewhat vindicated. Oly that, in the real world it just doesn't work that way.

Your husband's cousin, by your de>
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#283511 - 04/13/09 02:10 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: joelRT]
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
I know that in my head joel but my heart has decided to rule this matter and it most definately says different. Do you all mind if i ask....Did you have any adults in your life at the time tellin you "no matter what they say if someone touches you tell me?" I tell my son that all the time that even if they threaten to hurt me or someone else he loves or says we won't believe him that i have his back. every week or so i sit down with my son and ask if there's ANYTHING he wants to talk about and try to let him know that i want to know all that goes on with him no matter how dull. I asked my SIL if their mom did that and she said no but my mom did I knew i could take any problem to her, when she died there was very little if anything she didn't know about me. that's what i want with my child(ren). If you did did you tell them or keep it from them?


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#283514 - 04/13/09 03:17 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
My aunt knew that I had been gang-raped by my cousin and his friends. I was eleven. I was bed-ridden for four days afterward and she sat by my side most of those four days. She fed me, sang to me, bathed up he blood that kept leaking from me all while telling that I mustn't say anything to anyone - that people wouldn't understand, that people would talk, that maybe even the church Ladies wouldn't want her on their comity anymore....bla bla bla......

I come from a long line of pedophiles and incestuous relationships in my familly. She was only doing what she had been taught from childhood - keep the secret at all costs!!!

And that's what most boys do - they keep the secret, in spite of the fact that they have permission to tell. You have to understand that a boy who has been sexually abused is an emasculated boy and this irrespective of his outward behaviour.

It is in our male nature to vie one against the other and in the so doing we find and affirm our masculin identity. It is not in our male nature to be submisive to another male. When we are made to submit and commit acts that go against our inate nature, we lose a part of ourselves - thus the sense of emasculation that many of us carry hidden deep down inside of us.

So who does a boy go to and tell that he's no longer a man (all boys aspire to be men and in that they already believe to some degree that they are men) There comes a age in a boys developement when he just can't bring himself talk to his mommy about about sex things and most especially not sex things that involve his own body (genitalia). It goes against his inate nature to do so. The abused boy certainly can't tell his Dad, his hero, that he's not a man anymore, so where does he turn? Like your husband, he turns it inward and does his damnedest to bury it.

Yes some boys DO tell - however, if we were to take a poll here at MS (and we won't) most of the men here will tell you that they never told a soul!

Get thee to a book store or the local librairy, there are some excellent book about how to talk in an age appropriate way to children about bad sexual touch. It has been shown in various studies that when children are taught properly and are given the right vocabulary, many of them do come forward because they have the right info and the proper tools with which to do so.

Geez, I do go on, don't I?



Edited by joelRT (04/13/09 03:18 PM)
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283528 - 04/13/09 04:43 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: joelRT]
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
I want to say i'm sorry that happend but don't want to sound like i fell sorry for you i know that's not what you want but i hope you understand what i'm tryin to say and that i do understand the difference. It angers me at the fact that society makes young men feel that way I would kill not figuratively anyone who did that to my son. should I delete my other question? it's not meant to be a poll but i guess it could be seen as one.


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#283535 - 04/13/09 05:25 PM Re: He came face to face [Re: here4him]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
My dear girl, no, don't delete your other post - it will give guys an opportunity to express themselves on what for many is a difficult and hurtful topic - many told and were not believed. It will also give you a broader view of a very complex subject indeed.

I don't very muc anyone would see your post as poll taking.

BTW - I don't think or feel that you feel sorry for me smile



Edited by joelRT (04/13/09 05:26 PM)
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#283758 - 04/15/09 11:35 AM Re: He came face to face [Re: joelRT]
here4him Offline


Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 21
Thank you for being understanding about my intentions and lack of ability to convey my feelings on this subject. (ha! that's a first believe me) I'd really hate to unintentionally offend anyone here this is the only place i can come to try to understand what we're going through. Our therapist sucks but he's starting with a new one tomorrow for the CSA. so wish him (us) luck.


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